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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother Boundaries

4 replies

FrenchPear · 03/09/2024 09:27

Just looking to get opinions on my mother and her lack of boundaries when it comes to my life.

Without going into much detail, I had a very difficult childhood, my mother was very absent emotionally for various reasons. Reasons which I understand as an adult but had a massive affect on me as a child and my future relationships. I dealt with all this through therapy and never had it out with my mum as I felt she had suffered a lot during her life and now that's she's getting on in years, I didn't want to cause her hurt. My relationship with her was loving but conditional to both of us not being too close and I guess me staying in my lane, conforming to what she thought was a way to live.

As a young adult, my mother had plenty opinions on my romantic life, in my view overstepping her boundaries with me and upsetting me greatly. I made plenty of mistakes but I was growing up and in bad need of therapy from my childhood. I've since had years of therapy and I'm now a very different, emotionally mature person.

I've recently decided to split with my narcissist husband. My mother went mad. Told me I've made a mess of my life, I've no cop on, wasted my life with my ex, I don't know what I'm doing, if he's not beating you then what's wrong with you, what about your children, you're selfish etc, disclosed private medical information to the wider family.

I'm hurt but I see it for what it is. In the past it would have floored me. I so wish I had the unconditional support of my mum, I don't and I never have. I am not speaking to her now yet I worry about her as she's elderly.

AIBU? What would you do if your mum was like this?

OP posts:
Overbearingndn · 03/09/2024 09:32

, if he's not beating you then what's wrong with you

What does this mean? Does she think it's normal for a husband to beat his wife?

I would have as little to do with her as possible. Perhaps a call once a month, the occasional text. I would simply check she's ok but wouldn't tell her anything about my life.

You're never going to get the unconditional support of your mum as she's not capable of it. You need to lower your expectations and accept what you have.

FrenchPear · 03/09/2024 09:47

Thank you for your reply.

I guess the child in me thought my mum would support me. The good thing is, it's hurt but I shrugged it off. Lesson learnt, no more expectations.

My mum had a very rocky marriage with my dad, she was treated appallingly and should have left. She's quite proud she stayed with him for us children when in fact it affected all of us deeply. So in her eyes, you stay no matter what, for the children.

I feel like screaming at her, YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT!!!!

OP posts:
Overbearingndn · 03/09/2024 10:09

FrenchPear · 03/09/2024 09:47

Thank you for your reply.

I guess the child in me thought my mum would support me. The good thing is, it's hurt but I shrugged it off. Lesson learnt, no more expectations.

My mum had a very rocky marriage with my dad, she was treated appallingly and should have left. She's quite proud she stayed with him for us children when in fact it affected all of us deeply. So in her eyes, you stay no matter what, for the children.

I feel like screaming at her, YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT!!!!

I completely understand, she sounds like one of life's martyrs but marriage was frowned upon not so long ago and perhaps she felt she had no choice.

She's entitled to her views and you know what she's like, so there's no point expecting blood from a stone.

cockadoodledandy · 07/09/2024 12:09

You already know the answer OP. Personally I would reduce your contact with her. Her attitude that anything short of physical abuse is acceptable is abhorrent.

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