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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have mixed feelings about my birthday present from DP

27 replies

TheBlueRobin · 03/09/2024 09:17

To start with, my lovely Mum passed away 18 months ago after a short cancer diagnosis (less than 2 months) and my DP has been incredibly supportive throughout.

My DP bought me tickets to see the Lion King in London in a few weeks, alongside a new Fitbit. Wow how lucky am I! I hadn't asked for a new FitBit but my current one was quite old and acting up so that probably felt like a straightforward present to get.

I saw the Lion King two years ago with my Mum and it is basically my last memory of her being well and happy, she fell ill quite shortly after. She chose to have Circle of Life played at her funeral and it's still a song I can't listen to now without breaking down. When I asked him why he chose the Lion King he said 'I know you like it.' And it's true...I do... but there's so many loaded memories for me I can't say I'm looking forward to it. I think I'd probably just be in tears the whole time. I love musical theatre generally so would be happy to see most shows.

The other thing is we have got a massive trip planned next month that we've had booked for ages and have been saving the pennies and pounds to afford it. I also recently had some expensive costs from when my car was in the garage (>£1k). Until quite recently I was the breadwinner but my DP has now got a new job. I know he hasn't factored in travel to London (we live 3 hours away) and how expensive trains are etc and I'm just wary of spending so much extra in the lead up to our trip.

YABU - You've been spoilt rotten for your birthday and should be grateful

YANBU - Your DP should have considered things more carefully.

OP posts:
twomanyfrogsinabox · 03/09/2024 09:19

Can you change the tickets for another show? He just didn't realise how sensitive you still were.

Hobbesmanc · 03/09/2024 09:21

Terribly sorry about your mum. I know how songs can trigger such strong emotions.

I think if you sat down with him and explained that you don't feel ready to see the show, he's going to understand. It was a lovely gesture and a thoughtful gift. But he won't have realised how you feel.

I would change to another show rather than cancel. He obviously wants to treat you.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2024 09:23

I think this is a misunderstanding rather than him being insensitive. I do understand how you feel though and I would just explain how you feel and ask if you can swap the tickets for another show.

MissUltraViolet · 03/09/2024 09:27

I think you just need to be honest with him.

Don't quietly worry about it to yourself, just sit him down and tell him that while you appreciate the thought you don't think it is something you are ready for just yet.

See if you can swap the tickets to a different show, change them for a date further down the line, sell them etc.

InTheRainOnATrain · 03/09/2024 09:34

I don’t think he’s been insensitive, it’s a thoughtful gift but that doesn’t mean you have to just suck it up when you aren’t ready yet. Talk to him, say what you’ve said here about your lovely mum and suggest that you sell the tickets to see something else instead. Don’t make it about the money when he obviously wants to treat you as that would be a bit miserable.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 03/09/2024 09:36

Neither of you are unreasonable. I couldn't watch the Lion King in your shoes.

I would not go into the finance side of it, but just say what you've said here about it still being too raw to watch the LK, so could you switch to a different show.

Dreameeeerrr · 03/09/2024 09:53

Hes thought he's doing a nice thing. Either warch it a couple of times beforehand and keep listening to the song to normalise it, or change the tickets/sell them.

Parkmybentley · 03/09/2024 10:06

He probably didn't understand that seeing that show would be saddening rather than fun for you. Can the tickets be changed?

Re the money to travel, can't get upset about that honestly. The cost of the fit bit would cover that, so return it if it's really a problem (in debt) ?

PiggieWig · 03/09/2024 10:12

I’m sorry to hear about your mum. DH probably thought Lion King was a special memory that you’d enjoy and didn’t appreciate how raw it is.
I think he was thoughtful but missed the mark a bit, with the best intentions. I’m sure if you explain you can exchange the tickets for another enjoyable experience you can do together.

GuestFeatu · 03/09/2024 10:14

He hasn't done anything wrong at all but equally I think you should talk to him about selling the tickets and doing something else. Reassure him it was a lovely thoughtful gift but it's too emotional and would upset you to go. I am sure he will understand if he's a good one.

Maray1967 · 03/09/2024 10:18

This is the sort of thing mine would do - with best intentions.

As advised, explain gently that it’s not the right show for you to see right now.

Any chance you can change it for one nearer so you can avoid or reduce the added expense?

SallyWD · 03/09/2024 10:21

Neither of you are unreasonable but I'd just be honest with him and explain your feelings. I'm sure he'll understand.

Campergirls1 · 03/09/2024 10:26

SallyWD · 03/09/2024 10:21

Neither of you are unreasonable but I'd just be honest with him and explain your feelings. I'm sure he'll understand.

Definitely this.
Spell out your finances to him clearly.

Biggaybear · 03/09/2024 10:37

Men. Can't do anything right.

LTB.

Beautiful3 · 03/09/2024 10:41

Can you change the tickets for another show for later on, when you'll have more money available for travelling?

easylikeasundaymorn · 03/09/2024 11:09

It depends how he booked the tickets - if it was directly through the relevant theatre, that theatre is only showing that show, so there isn't another show to offer you. You'd probably be better off ringing them up to explain and see if you can get a partial refund.

If it was through a general ticket website then maybe you can swap for a different show.

I personally wouldn't want to go (even without the whole link with your mum, why would you see a show you'd only seen 2 years ago again), but also don't necessarily think your DH did anything wrong...different people interpret things differently.

DeCaray · 03/09/2024 11:22

Even without the death of your mum I can't fathom why anyone would want to see the same show after only two years?

They just seems like a waste when there are many other shows even if you are a diehard fan.

Sorry dow your loss.

Motomum23 · 03/09/2024 11:26

Finances aside. Do you want to go see the Lion King?? If you don't, and it would be perfectly natural if you don't. Just tell your husband. You can easily resell the tickets, or swap for a show you would want to see. If finances make it so you don't want to travel to London anyway just tell him that you love the thought behind the gift but if you are going to resell the tickets because of the pain of it you would rather just keep the money for holiday spends or a local show. Xx

free79 · 03/09/2024 11:40

Sorry for your loss.

I'd say: thank you for the show ticket but I've realised I'm not ready to see the show again so soon after my mum's passing if ever really as it's one of my key memories with her and I'd prefer to leave it at that but I'm really grateful that you've noted how much the show meant to me and mum and I see why you thought I'd like to go again. Could you resell them/get a refund and I'd like to get/do X instead or put the money in my savings towards something else.

Ozanj · 03/09/2024 11:44

I get how hard sudden deaths are but, to put it gently, your mum died 18 months ago and your memories about her are about more than a single show. I think you should go and make new memories, have some fun with your husband before / after the event, and try to reclaim your life from the grief.

HRCsMumma · 03/09/2024 11:45

He hasn't been insensitive at all, it's been some oath the best intentions and it's a very thoughtful gift. He just didn't realise how you're still affected by it. Talk to him, he will understand. Swap them for another show maybe if you wouldn't look forward to it. Sorry to hear about your mum.

thursdaymurderclub · 03/09/2024 11:49

im sorry to hear about your loss. my DC were promised by their dad that he would take them to see Lion King as it was always his favourite film/musical etc. He passed last year without taking them, however he made a provision in his will for them to take the trip (they are adults and he was diagnosed some 2 years ago so had time to plan).

they were worried about going, but went all the same, and it was bittersweet for them, and they cried but they both admitted that it was something they needed to do.

the trip to london doesnt have to be a big lavish affair.. we've travelled from yorkshire down to see a show in london and come back the same day by train, and it didn't cost as much as you would think.

i would be one to urge you to try and make the trip.. it will he a hard show to watch but it might give you a little bit of peace.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 04/09/2024 08:41

Hello all

Just want to say thanks for your responses and votes. Quick update from me.

I spoke with my DP this morning about the gift and said I was very appreciative and loved how thoughtful he was, but I did have some reservations about going.

He was very understanding and from his point of view, it was just a nice thing to do. We're going to check the terms on the tickets, see if we can maybe postpone them to after our trip (which would make things easier moneywise and at least I can get my head around it). If that's not possible I'll just go. I don't think it would be possible to book for a different show sadly.

Also if my Mum was here she would definitely want me to go and enjoy myself and love that my partner has been so thoughtful, especially as my Dad never made an effort during their marriage and never made her feel special (story for another day).

In relation to one reply, I should add that I've dealt with my grief in a very stoic way, I'm not particularly triggered by things. I went back to work two days after her funeral and have had to manage job changes, a house renovation, dealing with my Dad's grief too so the idea I'm dragging this one after 18 months is quite unfair.

A few posters on here said about seeing the same show twice anyway and to be honest I'm in total agreement with you. I'm a one and done kind of person. Never really understood the urge to watch the same show/film/performance again and again. But I'm not going to let the tickets go to waste either.

Next year I'll be more direct about what I'd like 😅

OP posts:
SD1978 · 04/09/2024 08:52

I really doubt he put 2+2 together that your main memory of Thai would be with your mum- although I can see it from your point. Are the tickets transferable to another show?

Calamitousness · 04/09/2024 08:57

This is actually one of the very few posts on here about partners gifts that I think for once you are being unreasonable. He has tried hard to get you something you love. He May have even thought Lion King would be a lovely tribute to your mum knowing how much you both enjoyed that trip together. I think he’s done well. But I appreciate you got find it all too soon. Sorry for your loss💐