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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent favouritism

29 replies

Wife2b · 03/09/2024 07:48

I’ll start off by saying it’s going to sound childish but for some reason it’s rubbed me the wrong way.

Grandparents have two grandchildren, an older boy and a younger girl. Older boy is clearly the favourite, grandad talks about him proudly whenever he visits and every year puts a Facebook post out on his birthday of a picture of him and saying happy birthday. Lo and behold this morning there is a post by Grandad of our nephew with his grandparents, wishing him a happy birthday and saying how lucky they are to have him.

My girl has just had a first birthday, not a peep out of father-in-law on social media. Now I know social media is not the be all and end all, but in a tech driven world - it’s not unreasonable to think Facebook will still be around in 15 years. I imagine grandkids may be curious and go through the profiles or grandparents as they get older. I can’t help but think that it will make my girl sad one day to see her grandad gave a shit about her older cousin but isn’t really fussed about her.

He sees other grandchild every day as they live in close proximity. We are further away so tend to visit twice a month. Grandmother adores our girl, it’s lovely to see, clearly she loves both grandkids dearly. Grandad can be sweet with her for 5 mins but doesn’t seem overly fussed, isn’t fussed about giving her a hug and when she was younger, he could easily visit with grandmother and leave not having held the baby. However he was all over nephew as a young baby so it’s definitely not a confidence thing.

AIBU to think that this will be noticed by my daughter as she gets older and make her feel sad? Is it something I should nip in the bud now? I feel so sad for my girl, she and her cousin should be treated equally IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wife2b · 03/09/2024 10:26

Anyone? The more I think about it the crosser I feel.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 03/09/2024 10:29

Your DD is only just 1 year old. I imagine Grandad wasn't interested in he DGS when he was that small either. His relationship with your DC has time to grow.

Beamur · 03/09/2024 10:36

Kindly, get used to it.
I was the favourite of one set of grandparents and second tier for the others!
Same with my DD. Adored by my Mum, mostly disinterest from DH's parents (who had doted on his older children).
But we had good relationships with all and honestly, try not to let it bother you.
There's various things that can influence this - relationship with the parent, proximity, personality, age of the child. My Nan had vastly preferred her male GC when they were little but was definitely closer to her female GC (who made more of an effort to see her) in later years.

Original poster
Wife2b · 03/09/2024 10:39

It’s the only set of grandparents my little girl will ever have. My Mum passed several years ago. I feel so shit for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wife2b · 03/09/2024 10:41

LadyDanburysHat · 03/09/2024 10:29

Your DD is only just 1 year old. I imagine Grandad wasn't interested in he DGS when he was that small either. His relationship with your DC has time to grow.

I wish I could say this is true. He has always doted on his grandson, very hands on when he was a baby, he is known as “grandad’s little lad” which is so sweet and never bothered me until he isn’t at all fussed about his granddaughter.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 03/09/2024 11:46

So he is just sexist then. Sadly thought that may also be a possibility.

wishuponastar24 · 03/09/2024 11:49

We have the same thing! MIL very interested in her DD son and not ours! Only 11 months difference in age. It is, what it is. Infuriates me but it will never change. For reference we live up the road and the other lives on the other side of the world!

PolitePearlMoose · 03/09/2024 11:51

This reply has been deleted

This is the work of a previously banned poster.

101Nutella · 03/09/2024 11:56

YANBU based on your detail that Grandad was interested in DN as a baby.

you'll be navigating this for years yet so it’s worth discussing it if it’s going to be an issue. It might just be he doesn’t know what he has in common with a girl and it’s not intentional.

you'll likely not change him so you need to find a way to protect your daughter from this. And build her self esteem to know she has people around her that love her. Also it’s not fair but life isn’t fair. So learning to find validation from within rather than relying on it from others will help her in the long run.

PointsSouth · 03/09/2024 11:59

It's more pointed, I think, when there are two.

My parents have thirteen grandchildren. I'd say that there are a few favourites - but a lot of that is driven by proximity. The grandparents are closer to those they see more often, and they see them more often because they live round the corner.

The other driver is how close the grandparents are to the parents. And that too is quite driven by proximity, but the proximity is to some extent because of the closeness. It's self-driving.

I'll just say that my kids and their cousins are old enough now to have formed opinions about this, and they joke about it.

"Did you get an extra tenner for your birthday again from Grandad? You were always the favourite, you git."

"Twenty actually. And Quality Street."

AngryLikeHades · 03/09/2024 12:05

Did you take photos on phone or otherwise?
Yes, I know social media has a huge influence but, I wouldn't think about it.
This won't apply to all people, and it might be idealistic, but some of the younger generation now might get tired of social media and there might come a 'new fashion' of engaging with it less, at least with some groups of people. 'Being in the moment' is good for you, but some young people might take it up let's hope.
Certain things become 'that's lame'.
I don't know how widespread it is, but I've heard some social media platforms are being considered less desirable (I heard someone saying that about facebook).

Notamum12345577 · 06/09/2024 09:47

I thought you were going to say it was both grandparents. But it is just the grandad behaving this way? While not right, it is probably because it is a boy, he feels more affinity with. It will probably be better when your daughter is older

Chocolatebunny61 · 06/09/2024 11:15

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. My mother favoured my DD over my DS yet as a child she massively favoured my brothers over me. My DS had a lovely relationship with my dad as a result. The issues came when my dad passed away relatively young due to cancer and my DS never had a good relationship with his grandma as a result. He periodically talks about his sister being the favourite with grandma. They were the only 2 grandchildren my parents had and it didn’t help that my parents moved 250 miles away when they retired. My MIL was a wonderful lady (She was a widow) and lived nearby and there were no favourites with her which I think highlighted the difference between Grandma and Nanna. Feeling second best or not good enough is a feeling that extends into adulthood and has a massive effect on self esteem so you are right to want to correct it now.

Blouseybiggal · 06/09/2024 11:19

Get used to it! We have a grandparent who CLEARLY favours the boys over the girls… in that old fashioned boy is Apple of eye and so sweet but girls are more ‘difficult’ and ‘complicated’ etc
which is bullshit. Just granny projecting her own issues and grandad having grown up only with boys and not sure what to ‘do’ with girls.
Also - the girl here is young, perhaps not as interesting yet for a grandparent…

DecoratingDiva · 06/09/2024 11:48

You just have to get used to it, nothing you can actually do to “nip this in the bud” other than accept it and prepare your child as best you can.

My DS is clearly the second rank out of my PILs 2 grandchildren, I view it as their loss!

jammypancakes · 06/09/2024 14:06

Sure it’s not nice but… it depends on your dd personality. It’ll either make her resilient or affect her self esteem. All you can do is support her so she becomes resilient

Spenditlikebeckham · 06/09/2024 14:09

In the sad world of dodgy people could he be worried he will be looked on unfavourably if he is handsy with a girl?

Maray1967 · 06/09/2024 14:15

It’s a sexist thing, by the look of it - a colleague of mine told me his granddad openly admitted he was not remotely interested in the colleague’s younger sister - he seemed proud of that attitude, apparently. Only boys mattered. That was in the 70s though - very sad that it’s still going on.

RebeccaRedhat · 06/09/2024 16:38

My dad was all over my dd when she was 1st born. Then my ds came along and he was allover him too. Dd2 came along and my dad suddenly didn't like small babies, they wriggle too much, she cries etc, he was never on the floor with her like he was with the others, bug she's 8 now and by a million miles is his favourite. I even asked my mam if he didn't like her and she said she had noticed the difference too! Once she was 18 momths and had her own personality showing through, he really stepped up!
I don't know why he wasn't really interested in her before, but he did come around I'm the end x

Avidpanda · 06/09/2024 22:12

Unfortunately this is more common then people think. DH side of family have no real idea what daughter or us as a family like/dislike.

Miaminmoo · 07/09/2024 00:50

Trust me, this is all your own feelings but quite rightly so. My Dad’s Mum only had 2 grandchildren, me and my cousin and she blatantly favoured my cousin. It drove my Mum mad but I didn’t care, I didn’t like her much anyway and when my cousin (who was 5 years older) got busy with her life and wasn’t spending as much time with her she belatedly tried to forge a relationship with me - but I was old enough to say I didn’t want to go and stay over etc so she missed out, my Mum took a little bit of pleasure in telling her I didn’t want to go. Don’t project your hurt on to your child. Children are aware of these things but generally accept the way it is and don’t worry about it. I had my other Grandma who was just wonderful and loved me and all her grandchildren equally. That was enough. You sound like you love your daughter enough for everyone, don’t waste your energy on people that don’t deserve a relationship with her.

Sinisterdexter · 07/09/2024 01:08

My dm openly admitted that she preferred boys.
When my dd was small her and dm seemed actively jealous of each other when vying for my attention which led me to tease dm for being childish.
From about 6 dd decided she loved my dm and would chat away, do dm’s hair and generally stuck to dm like a limpet.
My dm still spent more time with my sibling’s dc but gradually began to visit more and more.
Now dd is an adult with her own dc and her and my dm are really close and dd is the only dgc that has dm to stay over.

So give it time.
I really thought dd and dm would never have a bond but they’re thick as thieves.

PomPomtheGreat · 07/09/2024 01:13

Sexist and unpleasant. My family had favourites too. You just have to live with it. But I'm sorry you feel your lovely daughter is second best for anyone in her life. It's not a nice feeling.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 08/09/2024 15:32

Wife2b · 03/09/2024 10:26

Anyone? The more I think about it the crosser I feel.

He probably is old fashioned and sexist and just feels more comfortable with boys. Plus distance is a real factor unfortunately.

Copperoliverbear · 08/09/2024 15:51

I'm sorry to say but I think a lot of men of that age group prefer boys and are more comfortable around them, in their day and age a lot of men were made to feel awkward about spending time with the girls,
My friends dad was not allowed to cuddle his daughters, some women were really odd about how a father acted with their daughters, maybe this happened in your father in laws home, also I do think a lot of people are more precious over the first born, they're also bound to feel closer to him if they see him everyday.
Maybe sit and have a conversation with your father in law about it and how you feel about your daughter noticing it as she gets older.