Teen and dad clashing

[badgerhair32]

My ds14 and his dad (my ex) appear to have fallen out. Ds is showing a bit of (very normal) teenage attitude and my ex is unable to cope with it at all. He doesn't just tell ds off. He comes down on him like a tonne of bricks, often shouting, swearing and being generally intimidating and aggressive. I believe ds has toed the line with him growing up as he was a bit afraid of these outbursts but now hes pushing boundaries and becoming more assertive, asking questions like 'how can he lecture me about respect when he's stood there swearing and shouting at me' (fair question imo).

It kicked off badly last week while ds was at his dad's house and they haven't spoken since. Ex did message ds on Friday with general chat but ds didn't respond. I've been in touch with ex to update him on back to school plans and other practical stuff and been ignored. I suspect he is sulking.

I'm not sure how to play this. It's not really my business but equally I need to know for work and other commitments if ds is planning on going there on his usual contact time. Ds says he will go but if there's no contact between them I can't really see how it'll work.

I hold my ex mostly responsible for this. He has definite anger issues which I experienced first hand when we were together and he needs to seriously think about his unrealistic expectations of ds and his own response to very normal behaviour. But he has a habit of always blaming everyone else for his misfortune and I fully expect him to be blaming ds for being a spoilt brat, and probably me for somehow being the one who has turned him into this terrible teenager.

We have always had a good arrangement and most of the time they get on well so if I can mediate I will, but also not sure if it's up to me to get involved especially when ex is being childish and ignoring us both. What do I do?

Don't get involved.

Keep in mind over the next few times that DS might not go to contact and only plan stuff you can cancel (or don't plan at all).

It might blow up, it might settle down. Hard to tell.

I would leave it honestly. Clearly the ex is the issue as he is not capable of handling what seems like a normal teenage boy. I know you said you have to know when he is going but you can figure that out and then leave them to it.

Obviously he is your son and you will be worried but you'll just have to see where it goes. If you feel it is getting genuinely unfair for your son, have a discussion

"You reap what you sow."

It's hard to believe that a parent can be so childish and hypocritical in their approach to dealing with really normal stuff. Ds doesn't do anything anti social, horrible, violent or illegal. He's a good kid who occasionally might back chat or roll his eyes. Big deal.

I'm happy for him to stay at home where he feels safe and comfortable of course. It just seems a shame.

Just bumping for any morning MNers

At 14, nobody can force him to have a relationship with his not so df. There's a reason you left him and why should ds tolerate his shitty angry behaviour? If you think ds's behaviour is normal teen attitude-he's finding his way through life-then don't interfere or try to force contact. Your ex knows why ds is not in touch currently unless he's completely stupid.

You got rid of him and know he has anger issues so I would absolutely not be pushing DS to see him.

Perhaps it is just general teen attitude issues or maybe DS is starting to see his dad in a different light. Just make sure he knows that you/your home will always be a safe space for him and leave them to it. If DS wants to see him he can, if he doesn't then it's up to your ex to try fix their relationship, or not.

Yes, I agree with the above. You know exactly what your ex is like. And you don’t want to live with him!

I’d presume that contact might be less regular now, and perhaps even fade away. I’ve got DSs, 24 and 16, and what you’re describing is very standard behaviour … it’s very poor parenting to react as your ex is doing. I wouldn’t mediate here - I’d leave it, to be honest. Mediation could become pandering to your ex’s poor parenting.

I always hoped, perhaps naively, that ds wouldn't experience ex's anger like I did. And in fairness incidents like this (where he's lost his temper and gone nuclear on him) have happened only a handful of times in the last 14 years. But whereas ds was scared and in awe of his dad before, I think he's now starting to see him for what he is. An idiot with anger issues. I would never force contact but I do think after so many years of successful co parenting and very few issues it's a shame if they lose touch. Equally I'm often on edge while he's there wondering what might happen so not really sure what's best. I will leave it up to ds.

I'd leave it. Your ds sounds like he is capable of making his own decisions. Maybe they will change their relationship so he doesn't go to his dad's house but they meet up for a meal or sport.

Being out in public might change the dynamic. Relationships evolve.

I'm going through something similar. Ex sounds the same or similar too. 12yo DD. He doesn't respect her boundaries (checks her phone while sleeping) and shouts and swears at her. She's realised that not every adult will treat her like that (as me and DP do not) and she's choosing to be around people she actually likes and has respect for. I'm trying to stay out of it but he has court ordered rights and came and "retrieved" her from my house and gave me abuse over it, so I'm having to go back to court. IMO if he had just left her here that day his whole future would have been different. Going through it myself, I would respect your son's boundaries and let your ex work on his issues and try to build bridges with your son.

My children have been/going through similar with their father who is an abusive arse. Youngest won’t see him anymore, just refuses. The eldest only has contact I think out of guilt and feels responsible for him. I wish she didn’t because he isn’t her responsibility.

I stay right out of it other than to reaffirm what my children already know: that their father, and indeed, no one, should speak to treat them the way he does at times. I feel like if I was to mediate it would make me a hypocrite. After all, I left my ex because found his treatment of myself and my children unacceptable. To try and get my kids to compromise is a bit of a slap in the face.

I find it sad because when he's being normal he's a good dad and I do know he loves ds very much. But these outbursts just ruin it and sadly these are the things kids seem to remember.

I won't make contact with ex but am supposed to be working over the weekend so could really do to know with what's happening regarding contact (usually only pick up extra shifts when I know ds is due to be at his dads and this has been pre planned for weeks). But if I have to cancel I will.

Sad that so many dads think it's normal and acceptable to treat their kids like this.

"I find it sad because when he's being normal he's a good dad and I do know he loves ds very much. But these outbursts just ruin it"

Ask any woman why she hasn't left her abusive partner and they'll say something similar. Don't help to trap your DS in an abusive relationship with his father.

"sadly these are the things kids seem to remember."
That's almost saying that no notice should be taken of his dad's aggressive behaviour.

Don't try to get your DS to have contact. You ended your relationship and he has the right to go LC/NC. Don't minimise his dad's outbursts.

Seeing this play out with a lovely friend of dds. The dad can’t seem to adjust to teen parenting. His word is law there is no listening to the teen or respecting her plans or wishes. He can’t seem to accept she’s 15 not 5. Very sad as he seems to be a loving dad but he is absolutely blowing his relationship with his Dd atm.

I wonder if they were still married the mum manages this transition but the men on their own can come unstuck. That said some of the other divorced dads are great. Weirdly most of dd2 friends parents are divorced.

At 14 he is more than old enough to decide if he wants to go to his dad’s or not.

You know why you left him OP - I’d say that the anger issues are not new, nor would I want my child to be in a house alone with someone like that. I definitely would not be pushing your DS to see him and would think about having a conversation with your ex about his unacceptable behaviour.

DD’s step dad (now funnily enough my ex for this precise reason..) was like this. They got on very well when she was younger but as soon as she turned 14 and started acting like a teenager he just couldn’t cope, clashed with her constantly and their relationship broke down. He had a ‘do as I say, not as I do’ attitude and would have regular outbursts towards her, very controlling and at times aggressive - hence I left him and involved police. He’s still wondering why his own 3 sons also refuse to speak or have any relationship with him, even now they’re all adults…

He doesn't seem against going. I've asked him and he said he will go. But neither of them are speaking to one another and ds is probably at this stage waiting for his dad to make the first move. Which he won't because that will involve him admitting he was wrong.

I think on a very basic level ds realises he will miss out on stuff if he doesn't go to his dads (he takes him to his hobby most weekends and at times when I'm unable to due to work or commitments with my two younger dc). But he's still pissed off with how his dad acted and rightly so. This is why I wondered if I should get involved and try to mediate. He's not yet at the 'I don't want anything to do with my dad' stage.

But to be honest I am on edge now waiting for the next blow up which does cause me a lot of anxiety. I am happy for ds to stay home all the time if it's what he wants and would never force a relationship if ds didn't want that.

They don’t seem to twig that shouting at a teen just doesn’t work and is counter productive. You see it on here parents with younger children saying how they would deal with teen issues by shouting and”not allowing” things. So literal black and white thinking. Just doesn’t work.