To ask if you were a bit of a messed up person in the past, are you who you want to be now? I’m very sad

[CrikeyBoBss]

I am approaching 40. I’ve struggled all my life really with my emotions, it was from a lot of emotional neglect as a child (though my relationship with my parents is good now). I have had truly awful relationships, suffered physical, emotional and mental abuse. I’ve behaved appallingly too at times, usually out of fear. I never knew how to trust anyone. Found it easy to go on dates and people seemed to like me so it was a veneer almost. I seemed very normal, had a good job, friends, I could be kind and compassionate and loving etc. but also I was unstable emotionally. I had a termination when I was 30. Something I never ever ever thought I would do.

I am a single parent now (no surprises there when I think about my background). I am calmer now because I have my child to think about and also I suppose because I haven’t had chance to get involved with any more men and cause myself harm in the process.

I really want to be proud of who I am. I want to be strong and stable. I am in therapy and it helps but I often wonder if I will ever get there and if I do… well I could be pretty old. It feels a bit hopeless. I’d love a husband and to grow old with someone ultimately but I would also settle for just being happy with who I am. I am so ashamed of things I’ve done and how I’ve not reached my full potential because of that.

Try and be kinder with yourself. It takes time too so be patient. Don’t try to force yourself in to a mould that doesn’t fit too, it’ll only make you miserable!

I wasn’t in a good place until mid-30s for similar reasons. I didn’t consider the impact of my actions and I had no self awareness. I’m ashamed of a lot of things in my past but you are not your past and you don’t have to let yourself be consumed by your mistakes. I read something quoting Oprah that Maya Angelou told her and it is so wise! I can’t find the original quote but paraphrased here:
You did in your twenties what you knew how to do and when you knew better you did better. You should not be judged for the person you were then but for the person you’re trying to be and the woman that you are now.

Recognising the things you would like to change is one of the first steps.

I really feel for you. It sounds like things have been tough for you for much of your life and that whatever you might regret about your own actions, there's been plenty of pain and suffering for you along the way. You say that a lot of your actions have been motivated by fear. I hope you're able to look upon your past self with some compassion.

To answer your question: yes, having considered myself to be somewhat messed up in the past, I am at least now... closer to who I want to be. I've still got a long way to go. I too have regrets about past actions and for a while I think I really punished myself for those mistakes. I'd broken my own moral code and acted in ways that I felt deeply ashamed of; I therefore convinced myself that I deserved bad treatment from others and that I was somehow 'tainted'. I was only able to start moving forwards once I had re-evaluated those beliefs. I came to realise that past mistakes don't need to prevemt me from being a good mum, partner and person now .

I hope you can find some self-forgiveness and that this can help you move forwards. I never cease to be amazed at the audacity of people who've done truly horrible things and seem to move on to a fresh start guilt-free. I'd never want to be that callous and am sceptical about whether that ability to overwrite or ignore the past is healthy. But learning and growing as a person is different from that. It's just too much of a waste to let past mistakes ruin the rest of life (in my opinion anyway).

I too behaved appallingly at times when I was younger, and in various ways this continued until I was mid 40's, but someone said something to me one day (which I can't repeat as it could be outing) and it really gave me the wake up call that I needed. I am now re-married, and have a wonderful DH, who I would do anything for. I am now respectable, have a house that I own free and clear of mortgage, and have a reasonable sum of money behind me, which I worked hard to accumulate. No one who knew me from my teens through to my mid 40's would think I was the same person. So there is definitely hope for you OP. You just need to make up your mind what it is that you want from life now, and then work hard to make it happen. Obviously it does take time, but I really couldn't be happier than I am now, having put my past behind me. Good luck, and please what ever you do, don't think it can't happen for you, you just need to stick with it and stay focused on what you want out of life NOW!

Everyone grows and changes.
The past is the past and can't be changed but you can change the present and the future. If there is anything you regret that you can make amends for do it but otherwise be kind to yourself and put things behind you.
There are techniques like mindfulness that can help in dealing with turbulent emotions. A 12 step programme might help, even if you don't have an addiction. I think there's one called emotions anonymous. Change takes time, go easy on yourself.

One amazing tip a therapist gave me was that whenever I looked back on the actions of past me and felt guilt, sadness or shame was to imagine present me giving past me a hug. If that makes sense?!

It’s worked so well to help me accept I was doing the best I could at the time, and to move on.

I hope this might help you too, as for me it’s been really healing.

I think you can be very proud of yourself. You are showing self awareness and a desire to improve yourself. And you sound like you are taking your responsibility to your child seriously.

My life has also been difficult and it shows in my current circumstances (amongst other things, am also a single Mum). But I strive to be the best person I can be; and I think that if you can be true to yourself (not just your feelings, but also your instincts, talents and strengths), then it can only get better.

As other posters have said, don't feel ashamed of yourself. Give yourself a hug. We are all, every one of us, on a learning curve.

Yup, I was, in hindsight, quite unstable in my 20ies. Had a termination at around 25, bounced from job to job, absolute highs and lows of emotion through unsuitable relationships, turned my back on a lot of friendships and opportunities through not feeling good enough etc.

Am early 40ies now, and a lot more settled. Still feel like a 'not all that's person, but stable enough.

Things got better for me at 52, my mum died and I stopped carrying her judgement around. I’m 55 now and have wonderful friends from a community theatre group, and more self understanding and love.

I think you can be very proud of yourself. You are showing self awareness and a desire to improve yourself. And you sound like you are taking your responsibility to your child seriously.

Yes 100% this OP, you should be proud of yourself

Like others, I struggled a lot and did a lot of things that I'm ashamed of. My life was very chaotic for a long time and I bounced from place to place, getting into abusive relationships, never quite managing to get things sorted.

I'm in a much better place now since my mum died and I focused on finding love for myself. Materially I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but in terms of my emotional stability, relationships, and living in accordance with my values, I've changed dramatically for the better.

I went through decades of hating myself, which drove horrible behaviour, which made me hate myself more. I had to give that up and break the cycle before I could change for the better.

This will be outing so I'm going to name change after.

I was abused as a child severely. I started drinking at 12. Was a drug addict and became a stripper. Slept with men for money. Lost count of how many men I slept with. Dropped out of college. Had an abortion. Married an abusive man, divorced. Ended up in a refuge in a different county with noone just a few years ago, got arrested and released on bail. i was so angry and pissed off at the world for so long.

I'm now a single mum, I dress modestly, I've been sober for 11 years. I knit, sew, garden and live simply and traditionally. I am happy with who I am. I am proud of who I am and a big part of that was stopping the 'what ifs'. What if I'd had a normal childhood, I'd have grown up surrounded by family, would have gone to college, would be a vet and own a house and be happily married owning a farmhouse.... etc etc what if I wasn't kicked out at 16 and I stayed on at college I'd have a degree and a good job and could go travelling with friends I'd built bonds with. What if I didn't have a slip up 11 years ago, I'd be 15 years sober but I failed. What if i didn't run to a refuge would my children be happier, would I have got arrested?

Only you can change who you are and if you're not happy why? Who do you look up to, who do you want to be? Write down how you want to describe yourself and work towards that but also let go of what ifs and the past. I'm nearly 40 now and I could get so depressed over my past and the choices I've made but that's not going to change anything. For example 'hi I'm crikeybobss I have long blonde hair and go swimming every Friday, I volunteer for charity and enjoy pottery' then go to the hairdressers, buy a swimming costume and book a pottery class. If you hate it, that's fine just try something else until you figure out who you are and remember you don't need a partner to be happy.

I was awful when I was younger and I’m so ashamed of the person I have been- drugs, shoplifting and just generally not being very nice. Now at almost 40 I am a single parent now and although I work in a semi professional job I don’t fit in there and neither do I fit in with the kind of people I used to spend time with so I feel very lonely at times.

Recently someone who knew me when I was younger joined the company I work for and I was absolutely mortified, I have avoided discussing the past with them at all and remained distant from them but I’m worried about what they might tell people,

I’m not the person I would like to be but I’m not sure if I want to be ‘better’ for myself or just to prove to other people that I’m not who they think I am or remember me being as I’m so ashamed of that person.

More or less. I think I'll always think of myself as a "work in progress". My father was a drug dealer, my mum has bipolar and my stepdad was abusive which affected me a lot. I became a teenage parent unsurprisingly with an abusive boyfriend who I thought was my saviour from my chaotic home life. Ended up having to flee to a refuge with my baby.

Life for me now is a lot different, I don't get it right all the time but my DS at age 16 already has a much better life than me at that age so there is that to be thankful for.

I don't think I'll ever be stable enough for a proper relationship. From my own father to my stepfather to the father of my child I've just had negative experiences with men and I don't think I'll ever trust one. But I've made peace with it and I'm quite happy on my own.

Hi @CrikeyBoBss My life is not where I thought it would be when I imagined my future back in my 20's. Its nowhere near it at all.
I had a very bad breakup when I was 36, 2 months before our wedding and i literally fell apart, into tiny shattered pieces. We'd been together 9 years and I'd had breakups previously.
It took me years to get to any sort of recovery afterwards but I had terrible panic attacks for a long time after. i drank way too much, I had ONS and did things I really regret. I just didn't care any more.
I ran away to work abroad but it didn't help and I ended up getting married to foreign man after having known him only 3 months. which started a whole new series of issues.
I've ended up a single parent since DD was 3, ( she's 15 now ) am much calmer and haven't drunk in a good few years. But I have chronic health issues which affect me daily. DD is autistic. has ADHD and anxiety which is a lot of work to deal with and help her with.
My relationships have been awful and i'm so anti man now I know I'll be single forever.
I never dreamed this could be my life but here I am.