Too big of an age gap?

[confusedthirtysomething2]

I mentioned to my sister and close friend that I dated a 32-year-old when I was 19/20 (we started dating a week before my twentieth birthday. We went on holiday together and stayed friends after we split up. I didn’t feel groomed or exploited but friend seemed to think I was. He was emotionally immature and I’ve always been an “old soul” apparently (whatever that means).

I personally think that if two people are over the age of consent and if your partner isn’t old enough to be your parent, it’s fine.

Friend and sister STRONGLY disagree. AIBU?

I am not being nasty, I genuinely think a 30 year age gap at 20 is ridiculous. As for Fwb these arrangements benefit men much more, I do wonder why women enter in to them unless they want a temporary Adonis, which this guy cannot possibly be.for you, a 20 year old. Your parents and friends must have said similar but of course it’s your life…

So you don't think calling me childish names is nasty?

Our arrangement works perfectly for both of us, it doesn't benefit him more than me. I really couldn't care less if you think it's ridiculous or not.

My parents are 12 years apart met when my mum was early 20s and my dad 30s. Now they are in their 70s and 80s, and still no one bats an eyelid.

I should not have called you a ninny then. I would be so disturbed if you were my daughter. It is not my opinion that matters, true, you seem a bit sensitive because you know it is just so abnormal. People around you will certainly think the same and they’ll be right, if they know, then they will definitely think the same. Funny how these massive age gaps are always one way round with a much older man. What sort of creepy 50 year old man goes with a 20 year old? I will drop out as this thread is about the OP.

Bit ageist of you. DH is 15 yrs my senior and in his late 70s and has twice the energy I do.

Oh give over. Overegged nonsense.

Honestly I think it's almost a right of passage for a young girl to date an older man. Let's admit it; when we are young we find older men mature, more sophisticated than blokes our own age. They know what they want. They dont play games. They can also be arseholes.

You’re the one who actually had the relationship, whereas your friend never even met him. You are by far the bigger authority on the subject.

My parents had a 12 year age gap, it wasn't considered such a big deal in those days.
My mother began working at a small office when she left school as a teenager, my father was the manager's son. They didn't date until my mother was 20, by which time he was 32. They married when my mother was 23.
It worked, they were deeply devoted to each other right until old age and when my father finally died, my mother was distraught and never recovered until she too passed away.
I definitely don't see an issue with a 12 year gap.

Based on my own age gap relationship, I dont think it's a good idea. After a few years I've realized we are at completly different life stages. I can see that looking at younger people now. And honestly I judge my dh for not caring about compatibility or life stages and obviously just thinking he wants someone younger.

"Age is just a number" when it comes to men being with a younger woman, but when it comes to being with a same age or older woman - suddenly age is very important. Funny that.

Having said that I don't think there is anything morally wrong with it. And it's not grooming.

DH is 12 years older than me . We met when I was 17 and he was 29, 30 years ago . The age gap has never been a problem - he is retired and I'm still employed , but it works out fine.

I'm not sensitive about it all because I'm in such a happy place at the moment. And he is far from creepy, something else you've got monumentally wrong.

You were a grown woman of 20 he was only 32. Your friend needs to get a fucking grip. That’s a perfectly normal relationship between two adults of the same generation. He wasn’t old enough to be your dad and you weren’t a child. There were only 12 years between you.

It’s so infantilising and patronising to talk about an adult woman as if she has no agency or desire of her own and can’t choose her own relationships without being groomed or manipulated by a man.

When you’re 32 it’s not normal to look at a 19 year old and want to get into a sexual relationship with them

It is perfectly normal for an adult to be sexually attracted to another adult.

Similar age gap with a boyfriend decades ago. I was far more mature than he was 🤣

12 year age gap is nothing , plus 20 and 32 , nothing wrong with that. Don't think he was grooming you

I think there is some merit in the half plus seven rule.

I was reminded of the late Princess Diana, though age was not the only factor in what transpired.

And I think "rules" like that are daft. Especially when people actually try to enforce them on others.

I was telling my sister that things were different in the early 2000s. People didn’t really bat an eyelid at my 15-year-old friend dating a 19-year-old ,which was still illegal! I’m not condoning it at all. Just saying it didn’t get him beaten back then. They also didn’t care about me (a 19-year-old) dating someone in his early thirties (very different as I was already an adult!). Nowadays, it’s a lot more controversial. My friend and sister are adamant that the brain isn’t fully developed until 25 and anyone over 30 dating someone under 25 is basically a creep and taking advantage. I said that maybe 19-year-olds are mentally younger nowadays but they didn’t agree.

I felt uncomfortable after our conversation, they were so insistent that I started to feel like I was making excuses for creepy men.

Of course he's caring and considerate! He's getting to shag a woman less than half his age with no strings attached!

And age is always 'just a number' when the woman is the younger partner.

This might come as a surprise but I knew him well before we got into bed together, long enough to get to know what a lovely guy he is. It's one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.

It's fine. I was dating someone 10 years older than me when I was 17. He was reluctant to date at first because of the age gap but we were together for 8 years and split up without any drama.
My friend started dating someone 15 years older than her when she was 19. They just celebrated their 20 year wedding anniversary.
So to me age matter (but I don't think DH would be happy if our 18 year old was dating a 28 year old)!

'Lovely' 50 year old men don't seek out relationships with teenagers.

I suspect no woman his own age would go near.

Neither does he, it was me who initiated it originally. Considering how fit and good looking he is he would have no problem attracting women his own age. I find it quite funny that you think you know him better than I do. Truth be told, you sound quite jealous and bitter.

A truly good man would have rejected your advances and advised you to approach someone closer to your own age.

I doubt that anyone is “jealous and bitter” that you’re embroiled with this character. More concerned, I’d say. But it’s your life.