Is boys football really like this?

[BecauseRonald]

Recently DS went to a football tournament in a different city. He and DH tell me that some boys were swearing (calling others fucking shit), punching, kicking barriers. The person in charge tried to keep on top of it but the swearing kept on happening. Parents were present but oblivious.

DS was upset but then he is a sensitive child. I told DH he should have taken DS out of the tournament as soon as one of the boys chased another out of the field and punched him. DH disagrees, he is happy that DS stuck it out as he needs to toughen up. I think that DS has plenty of non-sweary, non-punchy football mates so he doesn't have to put up with violent kids. Who is right? For background DH is British and I'm not, he says "British football is like that". So:

YANBU - nobody has to put up with violence and swearing if they can help it, and that includes children. Getting your kid out of the tournament quickly would have modelled setting healthy boundaries.

YABU - boys need to toughen up and not let a few words get to them. It prepares them for real life. Football is like that anyway.

The boys were primary school aged if that makes a difference.

How old is DS? I have experienced swearing in football but when it's happened coaches have taken the children off the pitch and made them apologise to those they swore at (when they calmed down). They have also done a mix of them sitting out the game or returning dependent on the behaviour. This is 12 year olds for context. It is different in every team and thankfully my son is in a really lovely league and most teams are great.

My DS team are not like that but he's definitely played some teams that are close to that. Foul mouthed and aggro for sure, although they did stop short of punching anyone. They are the minority of teams though (SE London and Kent area).

We just make sure our DS and teammates understand appropriate behaviour and what's expected of them and just get on with it. Far far too much backchat to referees but they get that from professional football

Not all football is like that, but enough is that I’ve strongly steered mine away from it as a sport.

Were these kids on DS's team?
Did this happen on or off the pitch?

If it was other kids on a different team and it was off pitch behaviour then not much you can do - except feed back to your coach and suggest they don't attend that tournament again.

If it was on the pitch then the ref should deal with it, and if they didn't then your coach should report it.

If it was your kids team - change teams.

That's pretty horrific, but unfortunately not uncommon.

My son finished with football for those very reasons- only to add that there was bullying and excluding as well.😤

I think for the most part it depends on the boys' ages. 12+ I think you might have to suck it up and make sure your son understands that that's the way some people behave but that it's wrong. Under 12 it's completely unacceptable.

Good grief, no this is not normal. My DH is the coach for a selective youth league and my DS plays on the team. Every boy in every team in the league, plus their parents, sign an agreement on behaviour and sportsmanship. Any punching, swearing or belittling gets them kicked off the team. Don't let anyone tell you it's fine or "how it is". It isn't. Definitely move to a better league.

How old are they?

It can be like this, especially 12+ age range. In younger years, players are usually told off for swearing etc.

I do think if your son is really upset by swearing though he needs to toughen up a bit, when they get to year 5/6+, the swearing levels up considerably.

Your YANBU choices aren't realistic because you've sandwiched swearing in with violence.

A limited amount of mild swearing in context of frustration and crucially not AT anyone ("oh shit!" is fine "you little shit!" isn't), is not something to leave a tournament over.

Nobody should put up with violence and a child following and punching another child should obviously face an immediate ban for the entire season.

Often it's the parents swearing and getting aggressive rather than the kids sadly - locally to us it didn't start until the kids were about 11/12 and is associated with specific teams - a minority but it does happen.

Thanks guys, they are under 11.

The swearing was on pitch suring play and in two teams, one of them was DS's.

When pulled off the pitch for swearing one of the kids threw his bib on the floor, kicked the barrier and stormed off. Interesting to hear that parents sign agreements in some leagues.

Such a shame as DS loves football and most kids are nice and want to get on with playing without any drama.

That's too intense and aggressive at that age. Co-worker relayed a similar story of behaviour like that from some of the boys (and their Dad's!!!) And all members of the group had received a very stern and severely worded email from the organisation saying it wouldn't be tolerated and anything further like that and people would be asked to leave.
I wouldn't want DS in a group where that was encouraged or condoned.
I can't stand a lot of the behaviour that goes hand in hand with football tbh and I'm British.

Swearing is rife and to be expected.

Not punching each other, unless it’s just horseplay. My ds and his friends muck about

The yr 6 boys at my son's school behaved very badly at a tournament last year and they weren't allowed to go to another one. These boys also play for the local junior football club team. They are very cliquey and unpleasant to any other boys who want a game of football at school. Another football session was set up for kids who just wanted to enjoy playing football without the " Prima Donna's". Teacher's words, not mine.

My ds played football for 10 years, this sort of thing was fairly rare at Primary age although if it involved teams from all over tge country it may happen occasionally from teams from certain areas.
Witnessed a parent walk on the pitch and smack a kid who had hit hers once

I've taken my son to 2 local clubs. At one of them ( the most local one to us) I was disgusted with how the parents were acting on the sidelines. The coach asked them to leave the pitch, and rightly so, but as I was stood on the sidelines, some of the other parents were talking about how it happens often.

It was my sons 3rd session at the club, but it really put me off, and i didnt want my son to be around adults like that. If the adults are behaving like this , then it's no surprise the kids are acting the same. It's a shame, as I liked the coaches and the set up, but the parents ruined it for me.

I've since signed him up to another club and whilst it's more expensive, the parents are so much nicer. There is no swearing and arguing etc, parents are supportive and the kids all seem great, albeit they are only 6 years old.