AIBU to not want to live with a long term partner?

[LilacLurker]

I've been with my partner for 3 1/2yrs and we live at opposite ends of a bit city. For several years he's wanted us to live together in his (rented) house and I've resisted. I've got my friends, work, and social life in my part of the city. Culturally, we live in very different places, my neighbourhood is very diverse. Where he lives, everyone is white and ends marries their school classmates. I get casual racism directed at me in the street and people openly support Nigel Farage and co.

I love our lives together and I get on with his kids but I just don't want to live where he is. I also don't drive so it makes work and maintaining friendships hard, although I travel a lot by public transport to see him. He's got a car and is happy for me to learn and share it.

He's getting upset and frustrating by our current situation. He says it's like a long distance/ part time relationship and I'm not 'properly' committed. It causes deep tension that flares up every few months. It's literally the only thing we argue about. Outside of the living together argument, we have a similar outlook on life, share hobbies and just love being together but I resent him for pressuring me to move and uproot my life and he's frustrated at me not wanting to share life properly with him. I'm also a renter in a shared house and he says I'd rather live with strangers off the internet and with him.

Do I not love him enough because maybe if I did, this never would have been an issue and I would have jumped at the chance to live with him?

You are not being unreasonable. Do you think you would ever want to live together? If not then he needs to accept that and work out of it's a deal breaker for him. Alternatively would either of you be willing to compromise on area etc and would that make a difference?

I suppose the obvious answer to most of your reservations is that you find a flat you can both rent in your area. But as you haven’t suggested it, then maybe you just don’t want to live with him? Which is fine, but it’s possible he doesn’t want a longterm relationship without cohabiting, so it may end because you want different things.

Find a property to share that is neither of your current houses? Is that a possibility?

Is it because of the area he lives in or because you don't want to live with him?

I personally will never live with a man again.

I will never live with anyone although I'm open to another relationship in the future.

A relationship doesn't depend on living with someone. You have every right to decide you don't want to. But if that's a deal breaker for him, it's best you go your separate ways. Don't be manipulated or controlled. You're not unreasonable to want your life and space independently of him.

OP, I have a neighbour who's been married over 30 years and he and his wife have maintained their own residences. It just worked out that way. She's around an awful lot but they can maintain their own interests etc.

I certainly would hate to live in an area you describe where your boyfriend lives.
<shudder>

I also have no interest in sharing my place with any man in future.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to live separately, but equally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to live together either. After 3.5 years maybe he just expected you would eventually take that step. Did you ever explicitly tell him you don’t want to live with him? If not, then you need to start being honest. If you are looking for different things in your relationship then that’s it really. You need to be on the same page or not be in a relationship with each other.

This. I wouldn't care if he lived in a palace and I lived in a hovel, it would be my hovel.

Why don't you ask him why he's OK with you moving somewhere racist and experiencing casual racism?
I get he needs to stay close to his kids, but that's not your problem, your ( and any family of yours or diverse friends who may want to visit you)safety is.

I wouldn't date someone who thought my first point was OK.

I will never live with a partner again, so obviously I will say YANBU.

However, if you were keen to live with him, would he consider moving to your area? If not, he either shuts up moaning or you split up.

Thanks for all the replies so far. A few extra points...

I've tried to figure out if I don't want to live in his area or if I don't want to live with him and to be honest, I do like having a bit of mental and physical space to myself. I would be up for us living together if it wasn't where he is now but it's absolutely non-negotiable for him as his youngest child is still in primary school. He also really attached to the place, he was born there and his parents are a mile away. I hate the fact that it seems like no one new ever moves there and pubs are full of folks still talking about their school days. I find it hard to build my own identity and make friends in that sort of environment. Plus the daily commute by public transport is soul crushing. We could possibly both move when his kids are all done with school but that a loooong way off.

In the meantime, he's mostly fine with us living apart and he says it's not a deal breaker but then gets really upset and says he can't carry on as we are. We both freak out for a few weeks and then things settle again. I think a we're due another melt down very soon. My landlord wants his house back and I need to look for somewhere else. If I choose to live with random strangers off the internet instead of his lovely, ready made home, it's going to cause tears all round. I'm dreading telling him.

You're not being unreasonable at all. It's your life and you don't have to live it with someone else 24/7. Like me you want privacy. I don't live with my current boy. I'd rather live on my own, next door to a very good (female) friend, and we look out for each other.

I’ve been with my partner for four years and we have no plans to live together for the foreseeable future, although we love each other and are very happy and committed. I have teenagers and he has no kids so it would be a big shift in dynamics if he were to move in but I think the crucial thing is we’re on the same page, he likes his own space as much as I do.

I think he needs to widen his perspective a bit. He’s seeing this as a sign that you’re not committed whereas you would give it a go if he could move to your area. He refuses to move to your area due to his child so actually he is the blocker. Reassure him that you want to live with him and love him but he has parental responsibilities which come first for now. Look at ways you can be more connected so he doesn’t have his freak outs. Create a long term plan where you’re living together in the future.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Too many posts on here about relationships going wrong when a partner moves in....
If your own space/ standards/ parenting style are really important to you then stay separate...
The children are used to this arrangement and you will pine for what you have lost....
Lots of couples stay separate these days if they possibly can, I think it is healthy, a bit of breathing space, look forward to seeing them/ them going back to their place.
My daughter and her long term partner have this arrangement and it works for them so really think about how much compromise you are willing to make, not a lot? Stay as you are.
I get a feeling of relief when my husband sleeps out in the awning in the summer months He snores and likes watching endless YouTube, I do neither of these things!
We have been together 46 years, don't have to be joined at the hip ( although if you like to be then fine for you too...)

It doesn't sound as if this relationship is working for you. And I'm not sure I particularly like the sound of him.

I don't think either of you is unreasonable. You are not wrong for preferring the area you live in, and wanting some level of independence. He is not wrong for wanting a live-in relationship, or at least the prospect of one.

If you really like each other I still think you can make it work, maybe by spending a bit more time at his place, while still maintaining your own home.

You say you've been together for 3 and a half years yet he's wanted to live together for several years, several could mean 2 or more. I can't stand clingy men. I never wanted to live with a BF, couldn't bear the thought of a snoring, farting man doing stinky shits in the toilet and eating my food. I made it very clear to all BFs there would be no living together. I only moved in with Now DH when we had a baby together as I can't do all the work on my own. If a man doesn't respect your need for space he isn't worth bothering with, and I understand that you can want different things so may not be compatible.

If you are in London, not wanting to live north/south of the river is a perfectly good reason on its own.

Don't move OP. Why should you be the one to uproot a lovely life which works for you. That's a selfish request from him. Obviously you don't want to live together because it suits you exactly as it is. You have best of both worlds.
Would you consider inviting him to move in with you? If No. Then dont do anything.