Does your family make you happy?

[goldenhornet]

And would you enjoy life without them?
I was reading a thread about how people find joy and lots of people saying family bring them joy.

I was born a generation later than my cousins so never really knew them, and they didn't live near us.
My grandparents all bar one had already passed away and my only nan died when I was 4.

My dad didn't get along with his sister so I never met that aunt.

No siblings and I'd lost my parents in my 20s.

I'm married and enjoy spending time with my husband who grew up in care and we don't have children yet (trying hard)

I have lots of friends and hear a lot about how you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.
I don't feel particularly unhappy with life but I've never known the joy of a close family, is it really the most wonderful thing in life?

Ah…. It’s not straight forward for me.
If you catch me after a family holiday (parents or ILs, cousins, siblings, nephews…) I will definitely say that family are just a pain in the bottom. I kind of enjoy the first few days of the family holidays chaos but anything longer and I just want to disappear.
So yes, seeing my family makes me happy but in small doses.

Half my family were in another country and the other half were in the UK but were weird. I haven't seen them in decades. The other half were not particularly nice and bigoted towards me, often making snide remarks.

My own immediate family & my side of the family make me happy.

My in laws however do not, they don't make DH happy either. It's constant stress that we could do without.

I’m fond of my parents, but there’s no denying (years of therapy) that, while well-meaning (and completely to this day unaware of how damaging our childhoods were), they were terrible parents. They did their best, but because they both came from poor, dysfunctional backgrounds themselves, they had no idea how to provide for children emotionally or economically, and had far too many. I do have a relationship with all my siblings, but because our childhood experience was one of competing for scarce resources, we’re very separate people in adulthood. Not close to cousins, though we were close to one set in childhood, or to aunts/uncles.

So, no, I would say that my family are just a fact in my life, neither positive nor negative now, but that the fucked-up emotional legacy of my childhood is an ongoing problem for me, despite a lot of therapy. Definitely not the family I would have chosen, and I think my parents might have done a better job with a different child.

I have a DH and a DS, both of whom do ‘make me happy’. And good friendships.

My family extended is very important to me. I don't see them a lot, but I have 15 cousins (most of whom have partners and children of their own), 5 sets of aunts and uncles, and two remaining grandparents. We typically only see each other at weddings and funerals (sometimes cultural celebrations), but always have a blast together. There are a lot of memories from my childhood with big family gatherings at the old family cottage that was sold as my grandparents became unable to keep up with the upkeep.

My children think of my cousins' children as their cousins. I hope one day they may have a good relationship with my brothers' hypothetical children.

Yes, absolutely. My husband is really lovely, kind, funny, handsome and a total equal. My kids are at that age (11 and 14) where they’re funny and great company, with their own interests but also don’t need to be involved in every little thing we do, hence we get on really well. I love being able to have properly interesting conversations with them.
My parents are great - interesting and lovely people who do loads of stuff in their late 70s, with a big circle of their own friends. I don’t see them much as we’re in different countries but we chat loads and message and I genuinely enjoy spending time with them.
In laws are also good people. They’re older and a bit more “traditional old” in that their life revolves around home, church etc but they’re kind, laid back and non demanding!

That’s it though - I’m an only child and I do have a BIL and family who are fine but have their own busy lives. My cousins are all much older than me, same for my DH. This is fine - you don’t miss what you don’t have.

I love my family but then I grew up in a "village" set up where I would spend most of my days as a child going between family members' houses. We all have keys to each other's houses and can drop in unannounced at any point. There is no need to be "polite" waiting for an invite to take a seat or for an offer of a cup of tea. We make little digs at each other and laugh a lot. Family life is super easy and enjoyable.
My ex had a lovely parents but everything was wrapped up in polite chit chat and rules of engagement. Make plans to visit a month in advance, call 15 minutes before arrival, send a card after the visit, don't talk about personal issues, smile and wave, bring your own snacks, wait to be seated, only have one slice of toast for breakfast, don't tell mum you are lactose intolerant when she forgets and serves you white tea... I gather it is hard work to be British and I wouldn't cope with that setup myself.

No, similar to a PP my parents had some dysfunctional tendencies and I needed a few years of therapy to get past the effects. I didn’t have a wholly bad childhood, there were good times, but also unhealthy and damaging episodes. We get on pretty well now but I keep them at arms’ length. They don’t make me unhappy but they don’t particularly bring me any joy.

I interpret “you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends” as saying your family are people you happen to share DNA with for better or worse, whereas friends are people who choose to spend time with and support each other. I think relationships built on mutual choosing of each other are more meaningful, personally.

My DH and DS give me immense joy, as does DS long term GF. I have a ridiculous amount of siblings. There was a time when myself and my four sisters hung out together a lot, I chose to leave our home town after having enough of working in the NHS, very limited opportunities where I grew up as quite rural. I do miss the get togethers but would never have met DH, had DS nor had such a financially comfortable life.

There was a HUGE falling out a few years ago over an inheritance plus behaviours in the past had also been an issue and this was the last straw as possible criminal activity but no actual proof. So no one has spoken to youngest sister for almost six years now.

I have some amazing friends, known one for 50 years and another for close to 40.

My family is big in my parents' generation, with no drama or fallouts but they're all introverts and live spread across the country/world so I've seen most relatives only 3 or 4 times in my life, including childhood. I'm close with my mum, but we talk every couple of weeks and meet in person a few times a year. In my generation there's just me and one cousin (plus the children of my parents' cousins, but I've never met them). The relatives I've met are nice people and as an adult I'm trying to make effort to see them, but there's no shared history or memories.

DP also has a big but not close extended family. The ones we are closest to are his aunt/uncle and 2 cousins on one side, and we love spending time with them but we're obviously not in their nuclear family.

I really feel the lack of a close family because my closest friends get so much joy from theirs. Their calendars are automatically full with family BBQs, birthdays, weddings, christenings etc; they have many nieces/nephews and their siblings are their best friends, who form a friend group with their partners, and so on. My impression is this is extreme, and most people tend to have one or two siblings or cousins they're very close with and then wider family they enjoy seeing once a year or so - still more than me but a less extreme difference. I understand your question as I sometimes get very sad about it. I've had periods of thinking I'm not at the top of anyone's priority list except DP - but I tell myself no one actually ranks their loved ones, so it's irrelevant! I try to make up for it with intentional friendships and joining clubs/societies. You do have to put more effort in without a close family, people can choose their friends and may stop choosing you if you don't put effort in, but even in families, someone needs to actively organise things. If you have love and community, I think/hope it's the same joy whether it comes from friends or family.