I feel my life is so lonely and small

[hi2416]

Back to work today after a long summer and I can’t help but feel how lonely I am. I always thought it would be easy to make friends when I have kids but it’s not. I feel so disconnected from others. I met up with a few people in the holidays but it was awkward and I was kind of wishing for it to end. I am so bloody lonely. People in work will ask what I did over the holidays. I spent another holiday alone with my kids. I hate being this lonely. I want to feel connected with others.

I’m sorry that you are feeling low op 💐

How old are your dc?

If they are pre-school age, that is quite an isolating time, but once they go to nursery school or school proper, you do tend to meet lots of mums at the school gate.

One good way to meet people is to volunteer in school if you can with other parents.

Best of luck.

@Frumpsvillefruit342 thank you. They kids are 9 and 5. I start my job today, never worked Monday before - first time! I usually have Mondays off but this year decided I want to just get Mondays out of the way. I don’t think this is main reason but it’s depressing getting up today.

I found it harder to make friends as a single mum. Ppl seemed to give us a wide berth.

@Kittybluecat i do have a husband but he’s working all the time so not everyone has met him. I don’t think that’s a factor here but I’m sorry you went through that. How old are your children? How do u feel now?

When people ask what you've done over summer, tell them:

I had a lovely summer thanks. Spent lots of time with the children and had some days out.

Done. Generally people ask to be polite (or nosy).

Is your DH available any evenings for you to join a hobby/social group?
Fo your children do any activities where you could chat to others?
Do you feel connected to your DH? If not, maybe this is somewhere to start with e.g getting a babysitter and spending time together.
Maybe see the Mind website for more ideas

How can I make more meaningful relationships? I do I have school mums I text but it doesn’t really go anywhere. It takes a lot of effort getting to know people. I’m socially awkward too I think.

I never made friends with school mums. I didn't find anyone I had anything in common with other than having children the same age!
Maybe look for like minded people in groups/clubs. Or try volunteering at e.g cubs/brownies. Is there a local friendship/social group on meetup or a local wonens outdoor group etc

In my experience, it’s like everything else, inasmuch as you have to really put effort and work in to it.

Have a strategy and either volunteer in school or at a charity, or set up an interest group yourself so you have names and contact details of people so you can choose who you would like to suggest going out for a coffee with etc.

Say yes to every invitation you receive. Go to all work events. Get a couple of regular trustworthy baby-sitters lined up so you can be gp out regularly and at short notice.

Put as much effort in to it as you would trying to find a job. It only takes one or two people with whom you feel compatible, to make a huge difference to your life.

Good luck.

I would try a bit of "reverse psychology". Sometimes when you go out actively "looking for friends", you actually in your desire to make "friends" end up befriending people who are not really suitable and sometimes not even nice!

I would try to be passive about it and just let people drift into your orbit. In fact, I would not try to seek out friends, but maybe try and read more (even if it is just internet nonsense, does not have to be "War and Peace") so you have more things to talk about and you are just a bit better informed about current affairs, reasons for the fall of the Roman Empire, whatever.

I think you are trying too hard. Try less hard and just focus on cultivating your own personality: bright and fragrant flowers attract the bees!

Oh well you’ve had totally conflicting advice there op! 😀😀

Can I just add that although you can have a strategy, I didn’t mean that you go out there with an air of desperation! What I meant was that you have to give something of yourself, in a serious and committed way to whatever it is socially that you are doing; volunteering or some club or charity, and friends usually come along within the context of that.

You have to meet a lot of people to find people you can become really good friends with. It’s the socially awkward thing that’s your issue. What could you do to make yourself feel less awkward do you think? I would say attempting relationships with people you have nothing in common with at all is a waste of time.

I am off out with a walking group this morning. It’s my third time. Amongst that group there are a couple I would like to get to know a lot better, the majority are ok and there is one who is just not for me at all. But to make a really meaningful deep connection with any of them, who knows where it will go. Maybe nowhere I will just view it as quite a pleasant time.

I just feel awkward as I think people don’t like me. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family where siblings were much older and jealous of anything I had so I’ve tried to hide myself away all my life. I don’t know how to overcome it. Therapy does not work for me. I’ve tried countless talking therapies.

Yeah I think I do come across as desperate sometimes!

Sorry to hear that. I feel your pain completely. I'm married with two young kids. My OH and I don't get along at all and are in all aspects now just co parenting. I was always fairly shy and so have suffered by not having friends to hang out with whilst she has a fabulous social life (or a secret man). I wish I could offer you something other than solidarity but it is tough. I've tried so many things. Even went to an art class last week but I was the only student (story of my life!). Sometimes I just feel doomed to be alone. Of course the kids do take up a lot of time but it's when they're at school or gone to bed that I realise how empty my life is. Keep going is all I can say and maybe find some small things to keep your mind occupied.

Join some adult hobby groups. I go to yoga and craft groups.

The summer holidays are tough. I didn't see my good friends and I really missed them and their support,

Some days I could be functional, but some days felt utterly hopeless.

I know old thread but I'm really glad I've found it today. I am feeling exactly the same and actually feeling very tearful about it all. I took am shy and slightly socially awkward. I don't think I make people feel comfortable in conversation and I'm really not very skilled at taking things forward into proper friendships. I walk the balance between needing time to myself and putting effort in to make connections.
Not sure what I'm saying really but just feeling it today.

My main fear is feeling like this once kids have flown and having a lonely later life.

How are you now @hi2416 ?

Feeling all overwhelmed and upset. Same situation. Nothing to look forward too.

@JustLaura sorry you’re feeling like this too. I e been walking maybe this would help you too? Is something happening in your life that may be contributing?