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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU by feeling overwhelmed by my partner working 60 hour weeks

19 replies

Zombieof3 · 02/09/2024 00:46

Hi, I’m a mum of three children aged 12, 8 and 7. My son is autistic and requires a lot of extra time and patience, and things have to be adaptable to make it work in our household. I work forty hours a week, however, I come home and I have the kids, dinner, pets and household chores to do plus any after school activities. My partner has one day off per week. I’m really burned out, I feel like I’m not able to do my job in work or be a good mum at the moment as I’m constantly exhausted.

i get zero time with my partner, he doesn’t come to bed until it’s really later but most mornings I find him passed out on the sofa. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I’m really struggling now with even facing going to my own work which I really love and I dread coming home which makes me feel absolutely awful as a parent.

i feel like 60 hour jobs are fine if the other parent isn’t working but as I’m a full time worker too, it feels too much

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 02/09/2024 00:48

Does he work that many hours by choice, or does he feel he needs to - either for the money, or to get his job done?

He probably feels overwhelmed by working 60 hours a week.

Original poster

Zombieof3 · 02/09/2024 00:50

ThinWomansBrain · 02/09/2024 00:48

Does he work that many hours by choice, or does he feel he needs to - either for the money, or to get his job done?

He probably feels overwhelmed by working 60 hours a week.

Edited

He’s feeling burned out by the amount he is working but when he spoke to management about this, they said they had nobody else.

OP posts:

Ladyzfactor · 02/09/2024 00:51

You guys need to figure out a better work life balance. I'm sure he doesn't want to work that much and could easily get burned out also. Is it needed to maintain lifestyle?

Original poster

Zombieof3 · 02/09/2024 00:53

Ladyzfactor · 02/09/2024 00:51

You guys need to figure out a better work life balance. I'm sure he doesn't want to work that much and could easily get burned out also. Is it needed to maintain lifestyle?

He feels it’s expected of him and management have told him that there is no one else to cover the shifts as everyone keeps leaving. I wonder why 🙄

he is feeling overwhelmed and burned out. We all are but we don’t know how to fix it either

OP posts:

Garlicnaan · 02/09/2024 00:57

YANBU that sounds incredibly full on, working full time with 3 kids, 1 with SEN and having effectively no practical help from your partner.

I would hope with all those hours that you at least have a good income? Could you hire a cleaner / house help / reduce your own hours, even temporarily while you work out what to do next?

Original poster

Zombieof3 · 02/09/2024 01:04

Garlicnaan · 02/09/2024 00:57

YANBU that sounds incredibly full on, working full time with 3 kids, 1 with SEN and having effectively no practical help from your partner.

I would hope with all those hours that you at least have a good income? Could you hire a cleaner / house help / reduce your own hours, even temporarily while you work out what to do next?

Honestly, income isn’t great. He gets paid 11.50 an hour and is then taxed heavily for the amount he works. I bring 1,750 a month but with an astronomical rise in rent and cost of living there is next to nothing left especially with the amount of childcare I’m having to pay.

im going to ask about possibly reducing my hours but I’m doubtful that they will respect this in my line of work, but I can try.

im honestly drowning, I’ve been feeling so low lately, I’m usually a great sleeper but that has changed hence why I’m still up. I’ve been throwing up a lot due to stress and my hair is falling out in clumps. I’m in pieces and I feel like such a failure. I feel like I have let everyone down because I can’t cope with life and yet everyone else seems to manage this and more. I’ve got to be up at six and I’m already dreading work and the day ahead. I feel like such a waste of space and honestly don’t know why I’m still here to be honest. I’m not going to act on anything, I’m not looking for that but I do want to be happy again. I’m just so broken right now

OP posts:

Ladyzfactor · 02/09/2024 01:19

This isn't sustainable. You sound like your on your way to a mental breakdown and your partner to complete burnout. Can you move to a new place with cheaper rent and better job opportunities?

Codlingmoths · 02/09/2024 01:25

I think you both need to take a few days leave- in his case he should take sick leave, go to the gp and explain the burnout, and make a better life plan. Which for him is probably leaving work at 5 twice a week and job hunting, and you agreeing to support this for maybe 2 months then you revisit how it’s going.

BoxOfCats · 02/09/2024 01:26

It would make more sense for him to change jobs than for you to reduce your hours.

LissyG · 02/09/2024 01:34

When they tell your DH is there's no one else....Well guess what there's no other DH at home either. He is making the wrong choice choosing work over his family.

Are you claiming everything you're entitled to? And you'd probably be entitled to more if he worked less!

Galoop · 02/09/2024 01:57

Ladyzfactor · 02/09/2024 00:51

You guys need to figure out a better work life balance. I'm sure he doesn't want to work that much and could easily get burned out also. Is it needed to maintain lifestyle?

This. Not only will you both get burnt out, it's not good for your kids and detrimental to your relationship and family. Change jobs, reduce hours, outsource, cut costs ... work something out

ViciousCurrentBun · 02/09/2024 01:59

DH has worked 50 to 60 hours for quite a lot of our 28 year relationship. I worked FT for most of it as well but not so many hours, two children. DH end goal was to retire early and he is doing this. It’s crap isn’t it those many hours he was at least earning decent money and salaried and really loved his job so very different.

What job is he doing that is just barely past min wage and what age is he?

lovemyboyz247 · 02/09/2024 02:12

Sounds really difficult for both of you.

I know you have considered reducing your hours, but I would strongly recommend your husband looks to leave his and find a job that requires less working hours.

Is your husband open to the idea of looking for another job?

You sound exhausted OP. If your children are due back to school this week, can you maybe take a few days off to get some rest/have some time to yourself?

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/09/2024 02:35

This is obviously not sustainable for either of you. It sounds as if you are both close to being off work ill and I'm sure neither of your employers want that. New job for at least one of you is needed. Would reducing your hours also reduce your childcare costs - I remember when childcare for 3 DC was more than I was earning. Other than that try to support each other to get through this.

justasmalltownmum · 02/09/2024 05:07

He shouldn't overwork himself, because the job doesn't have enough staff. That's there problem. He needs to be looking for a new job asap.

autienotnaughty · 02/09/2024 05:36

He needs to find a new job with a 37 hour week.

Agapornis · 02/09/2024 06:00

Why on earth would he work 60 hour weeks for what, 35k a year?! He is completely replaceable at only 6p over minimum wage. They only tell him he's important because he's the fool who puts up with being treated like shit.

No wonder you're both burnt out, but he really needs a better job. I bet you could survive on 1 wage and benefits while he finds another job. Imagine the reduced childcare bill, how much of the 35k a year is going on that?

Original poster

Zombieof3 · 02/09/2024 18:29

Thank you everyone, I sat down with him last night to discuss this, after we both had a cry, he stated he’s going to tell them he’s not going to work any more than 30 hours per week, he’s only actually contracted to 15 hours per week, so the 60 hours were not expected, however, he is in the cooking industry and this is the way they all are. He’s having a think about whether this job is worth it

OP posts:

MrsPinkCock · 02/09/2024 18:38

He has the statutory right not to work more than 48 hours a week. He can opt back into the WTR maximum week to reduce his week by 12 hours.

60 hours is a crazy amount to work.

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