To TTC after termination?

[EarlyRiser9]

I terminated a planned pregnancy early this year. It was devastating. My mental health just crashed out of nowhere, I had flashbacks from a very traumatic time in my life for the first time in years (it was a SA), and I was in such a dark place. Waking up having panic attacks, right back to that place all those years ago.

I was 7 weeks along and it was a surgical termination. It blew my mind because before the pregnancy, I was tracking ovulation and longing to be pregnant. I obviously would never have planned a pregnancy to abort it. I never expected my mental health to crumble like that.

I've tried to forgive myself. I am still ashamed. I started counselling to come to terms with it all. They specialise in SA survivors and how pregnancy can bring up trauma.

I've been having counselling for about 6 months now. I feel stronger. I am desperate to be a mother and have a family. Equally, I'm terrified of pregnancy.

I just don't know when would be 'sensible' to ttc again or if that's just off the table for me.

Do you think it was the being pregnant that triggered it or just terrible timing?
Maybe see a specialist pregnancy counsellor to discuss it.
Take your time there's no rush. Continue working on your mental health.

I hope you can feel less shame. You did the right thing for you at that time.

@Krumblina I think it was the pregnancy. I felt very out of control, my body felt like it wasn't my own. So many similar feelings to how I felt after I was attacked. It was very odd. I've not had flashbacks or anything in years, so it seems like the pregnancy set it off.

Thank you for your kind words ❤️ x

With so much kindness, I would honestly give yourself more time to come to terms with your termination AND your previous history,

Your termination showed that you hadn't come to terms with your previous trauma

To be perfectly honest, I don't think that 6 months is anywhere near long enough to come to terms with a termination, let alone deal with the consequences of previous SA

You may be desperate to be a mother and have a family - but I think you know yourself that you're not ready.

Please just be kind to yourself and try not to rush things (I know it's easier said than done!)
It will happen when the time is right - and it WILL be right in time

Thanks @xxxjanxxx for replying.

Yes, sadly I'm not ready and I know it. I had counselling for my SA at the time, I felt like I really had moved on with my life. Life was so good before I became pregnant. That's why the flashbacks and mental health deterioration really took me by surprise. I've gone back for support to help me hopefully find ways of navigating future pregnancies.

Thank you for your kindness. I hope one day I am ready ❤️

It must have been such an awful experience for you!

Honestly, you WILL be ready in the future - and you'll be all the stronger because you know what MAY happen! and because you're seeking support to explain WHY it happened this time

You have more strength than you realise! - and you're going to make a lovely mum when it does finally happen.

So just believe in it, no matter how long it takes xx

You did what you did for your mental health at the time. By posting this people will make judgments

This is definitely something worth talking through with your counsellor. They have got to know you over the 6 months you've already had with them and will be able to help you come to your own decision.

Take your time. It's more important you feel well and mentally stronger before putting yourself through another pregnancy especially so soon after termination. There really is no rush.

I agree with other posters to give yourself time and also the grace you would give to a friend in this situation.

Take care of yourself.

@BrookelynnesBeautyCorner so sorry you had a difficult time of it during pregnancy. Yes, I ended up just wanting out of the situation and I felt nothing but relief immediately after. It's only been the last couple of months the pining for a baby has come back intensely!

Me too, I'd never have thought I'd feel like that. It completely floored me.

I think I feel pressure because I don't have much time to figure my head out. I'm 30 soon.

Thanks for all the lovely messages x

@IhateHPSDeaneCnt everyone has thankfully been very considerate which has helped.

It must of taken a lot of strength and pain to terminate a wanted pregnancy, the fact you made that decision for your mental health because you became in a dark place shows you made the right choice.

I would personally forget TTC this year and keep working on yourself. It doesn’t sound like you are ready. Maybe see how you are next spring / summer and go from there. I am glad to hear you are in a stronger position. It might be a good idea to start reaching out for post natal maternity health services now if you have any nearby. Make them aware you plan to become pregnant next year but you will most likely struggle and need extra support. Having support from early on in the pregnancy is going to make a lot of difference

Thanks @Dreamcatchergirl. It was very hard and confusing. I was so miserable though that I just wanted the misery to go away by the end! It happened so quickly, went from being on cloud 9 to full blown panic attacks in 2 weeks. I was very concerned about continuing the pregnancy and facing the post natal challenges as well. I didn't think I'd cope and thought it wouldn't be fair on the new person I was bringing into the world.

Thanks, yes DH has said the same, let's get this year out of the way and consider it again next summer. He knows I'm not ready too and keeps saying there's no pressure.

I feel like a bad person though and I'm struggling to shake that.

I really feel for you. Pregnancy and giving birth is a time where you have to give up control and trust in those helping you….further along you may need intimate examinations, perhaps a birth with lots of medical input from male dr’s, all of which may prove a trigger. I worked in mental health as a physio and people’s past trauma can surface when they have physical hands on by a health professional…I have had people’s past abuse surface when working on them and you have to be extremely cautious about how you touch and handle people and ensure they have access to talking support to process that if it’s provoking flashbacks. I would recommend you ask your counsellor or other sa survivors if there are any people working with hands on techniques in your area as sometimes things like cranio-sacral therapy can help your body start to release the trauma. If you want to Google “ somatic healing” you may find some explanations as to why you had a trauma response to a planned pregnancy , look at the work of Peter Levine, Louise Hay ….I suggest www.irenelyon.com , she has some free exercises you can practise to help you get in touch with your body again. Sometimes people need the hands on work to process what comes up whilst they are having the talking therapy, because trauma can be buried deep in the body to allow you to function every day. I hope that all makes sense!

Ps you don’t need to pay anything for the above link just look for the free resources…also lots of YouTube videos out there!

I think you are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself thinking you have to have a baby soon as you are almost 30. Just forget TTC for now and concentrate on your MH.

Wow thank you @untiltheend and yes I was completely terrified by it all. I'll have a look at this for sure.

@Olika I know, I'm just worried about fertility and my parents are getting older and I'd like them to be around a bit for any potential kids (all hypothetical I know). Yes definitely focusing on my MH with the counselling and it's helped a lot so far and will continue to do so.

Goodness that’s horrendous. Having been through bouts of horrendous mental ill health, I completely get where you are coming from. I put my mental well being above everything else. As when it goes it really goes and I’m no good to anyone or anything.

I only had one child and put off having anymore because of this. I knew I wouldn’t cope with more than one child during bouts of ill health.

Be kind to yourself honey, take time to heal and work on your mental well being.

you can always try again when you feel stronger and next time you’ll be more prepared. There are also meds that are safe to take during pregnancy. Your medical history should be highlighted to medical professionals, who should monitor your next pregnancy carefully.

Best wishes, you’ve got this!!!

@Kingoftheroad thank you, yes that's totally it, I am the same way.

Thanks so much for your kind words. I was afraid to post but the responses have been so kind. It's very appreciated.

Yeah that's what I'm telling myself, that next time I will be aware of how my mental health could take a turn, and hopefully have the right support in place.

Thanks ❤️x

Youre more than welcome honey. Pm me anytime if you need anything at all

That all sounds so incredibly tough op, I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that.

I think it's very difficult when you start longing for a baby, it can become very all consuming. But if you're just turning 30 you still have quite a lot of time to plan this and prepare yourself unless you've been told otherwise and I've missed it. I think getting yourself to the place where you (and your therapist) feel you're ready, where you have a clear support network and plan in place to address challenges as they come up, and ultimately to make sure that when baby actually arrives you're in the strongest possible position to parent the way I'm sure you want to. You couldn't have known that your body and mind would react the way that they did and you did what you had to do in order to survive. There's no shame in that. And now you have more information and more awareness to empower yourself going forwards. There's a lot about pregnancy and especially labour that could be very difficult and triggering given your past and you deserve to take the time to really think about that process and what you might need and who are the best and most informed people to have your back when you decide the time is right. In the meantime, lots of self care. When I was trying and it wasn't happening immediately I made a bucket list and did all of the things I wouldn't have been able to do pregnant that I enjoyed. Might not be for everyone but it took the edge off for me.

Thanks @Lavender14 ❤

I️ love the bucket list idea. I had a long chat with DH last night and pretty much concluded I'll be forgetting about ttc until the middle of next year at the earliest. Randomly we booked a cruise for my birthday in March to give us something to look forward to.

Yes to self care. Working with my therapist, being kind to myself, being forgiving. Treating myself like I'd treat a friend. I'm hoping all this makes me a better mum in future and then there'd be some reasoning to the sadness of it all. Thanks so much for replying X

Thanks @Lavender14 ❤

I️ love the bucket list idea. I had a long chat with DH last night and pretty much concluded I'll be forgetting about ttc until the middle of next year at the earliest. Randomly we booked a cruise for my birthday in March to give us something to look forward to.

Yes to self care. Working with my therapist, being kind to myself, being forgiving. Treating myself like I'd treat a friend. I'm hoping all this makes me a better mum in future and then there'd be some reasoning to the sadness of it all. Thanks so much for replying X