Re learning behaviour

[Relearningbehaviour]

I apologise in advance. I guess this isn't really an AIBU, or maybe it is

I apologise if I ramble.

It has come to my attention that some things I do aren't normal..nothing crazy or out there.

But for example, if offered anything, even a cup of tea or slice of cake I automatically say "oh, no thank you." (Even when I want it). Then I'm too embarrassed to say, "actually, yes please." I think it was ingrained in me early not to ask for or expect anything from anyone. And it's really carried with me.

I don't think DH knows this and just thinks I'm really laid back and low maintenance.

So, for example. He's gone away..he doesn't go away very often. But when he does he always asks if I would like anything from the destination. Ofcourse, I automatically say "oh no. That's ok." Then secretly hope he will get something. Just a token gift. Nothing extravagant. Then ofcourse, he doesn't because I have said not too.

Or I will say "oh no that's ok I can get it cheaper at x,y or z." I actually can't stop myself rejecting anything.

I also can't ask for help, I will quite happily break my back before accepting help. I feel rude and greedy if I do ask or accept.

This is 100% a me problem, but I can't stop it!

It came to ahead today, this is when I have realised it's not normal. He's back from a work trip. He's bought things for the kids that they asked for. This is great..especially as he spent a lot of effort looking for 1 particular thing our youngest asked for. So I really appreciated that. He bought something for all our work staff (self employed, so our staff we hire)

But nothing for Me. Normally he would ask, but this time he didn't. This is my own fault because he is so used to me saying no, he just didn't think to ask anymore.

Anyway, he was so pleased with himself for remembering everyone. And I stupidly and rudely said, "well not me!" He got upset. Said I didn't ask. I said I shouldn't need to ask, I would like him to just do it. ( I am half right and half wrong) I think he should do it because he wants to. But equally, I should be more comfortable to ask, and so it's my fault and I shouldn't have got upset.

I said, you remembered everyone else. He said, "no, they asked."

This is when it hit me, that I am not normal and how do I stop this behaviour. It actually effects my life a lot.
If I do want something or need help, it takes me a lot of effort to ask and makes me feel quite ill! This is not normal, and I want to stop.

Dh is ok, I apologised and I need to explain to him without coming across as a psyco.

We have been married 17 years, so I feel like I have left it really late to bring this up. But equally, I thought it was normal...

So how do I stop being pathetic basically?

Oh and to add. He did say after o got upset, why didn't I ask. And I said I didn't want him thinking I was rude, or greedy or selfish. He said he wouldn't ever think that.

I am 100% the problem.. it's really hit me today that I am difficult and I'm quite upset. Please be gentle!

I'm a bit like this.

I think you just have to make it conscious (which you have done now) and make a deliberate effort to change it.

So next time you're offered something, pause to think about if you want it, then answer accordingly. If you say no automatically, but mean yes, then correct yourself. Perhaps start with DH if you're shy to try this infront of other people.

@NuffSaidSam yes, this is a good idea. I just said this to my eldest. And he said he noticed it and he always wandered why I say no. He's 11 and noticed.

I think I just need to be a bit more confident maybe

You should enlist your family's help here. Tell your husband what you have told us and tell him that you would like to change so that you can be more confident and honest in your answers. You just need to break the habit of automatically saying no so tell them to challenge you when you do it: "Are you sure you mean that?" If they can help you break the habit, then you will probably (hopefully!) find that it spreads outside of interactions with your family too.

Do you want something from ...?
"Can I have a think about that?" That gives you thinking time.
"Yes please! A surprise would be nice" (if you struggle with asking for something specific)

I think there's misunderstanding on both sides.

Maybe it's cultural but I'd always ask more than once if you wanted a cup of tea so you'd always have the chance to say yes after an original no.

And dh should sometimes get you something "just because", you shouldn't always need to ask, especially if he's getting something for everyone else.

So I agree with poster who suggests asking him to check "are you sure?" plus remind him that some we bring the people we care about a treat without needing to be asked and he could try that.

I think this is cultural (family of origin culture rather than national culture, though there may be roots in where exactly older key family members are from...) not something "wrong" with you.

My mum adores being helped even (especially) when she could do something herself or when she's deliberately volunteered to do something she knows she can't do by herself in order to basically force people to help her - it's a sort of especially extreme mutation of the "acts of service" "love language" I think - definitely a mutation because it's about her receiving really astonishing amounts of help and generally in a way others will see only, she'd rather give money to express her love herself...

My mum is definitely the reason I cannot stand to be helped - it's a reaction which has also become a bit of a problem. She doesn't see it because she even kids herself that she needs to ask MORE... She's only now getting to an age where she actually needs a bit of help occasionally and she's rather burnt through relatives patience over the last 40 years...

Balance is good. Good luck!

Thank you everyone. Yes I will do as suggested by you all.

And @Whale80ne you hit the nail on the head there. My mum needed help with everything. And it was normally me that did it all. So the idea I might need help almost feels insulting when I can do it myself. However I see nothing wrong with others asking for help!