I've never started a thread on MN, but have posted on other people's a little bit. Here goes...
I've been in the UK for 7 years, moved here with my husband (British) and lived with my MIL for 3 months before we could afford our own place.
She has always been difficult and have had an on and off drinking problem for about 20 years. Since her husband (dh's dad) left her and moved to SA. She's never forgiven him, is very bitter and have never got over it or made a new life for herself.
Most of our contact was instigated by me. Reminding dh to ring her, the sort of thing most of have to remind our dh's to do. She never reciprocates or make an effort.
We became closer and I started to be her shoulder to cry on and tried to help her through her depression and drinking. She felt confident enough in our relationship to ring me when she was really down and had too much to drink. For almost a year I dropped everything and rushed to her house at all hours when she rang (drunk) saying she felt suicidal.
She would call the paramedics (drunk) and go to A&E. Quite a few times this happened and I'd go to hospital where she would be wearing nothing but a nightgown (and I mean nothing!) and hurling drunken abuse at the nurses, docters and everyone in her life.
After her release from hospital after another episode in July last year, she lied to me about a few things. I had always said to her that I will help where I can as long as she's honest. I told her numerous times that I truly understand that alcoholism cannot be fixed overnight and her relapses were okay with me as long as she was honest.
I confronted her about the lies and she ended up calling me at work, at 9am to tell me to say good bye to everyone and that she'll miss them, but she's killing herself now.
I couldn't take a chance and my boss let me go to her. She was horrendously drunk and argumentative. I wanted her to sleep it off, she refused. I stupidly got into an argument with her and when I came downstairs from the bathroom she had a huge carving knife in her hands and was trying to cut her own wrists. We struggled for the knife and it was an awful few minutes where i thought one of us was going to get hurt and my ds might end up without a mum.
I called her friend 'P' to come and help me while i was hiding anything that she could use to hurt herself with. It was an awful day. She hurled abuse at us, called me a bitch over and over again. Cried. Screamed. Felt sorry for herself. In the end she took some tablets while we weren't looking. Kept smirking and telling us she'd taken more, while we searched for any tablets she'd been hiding and calling her GP. The GP advised us to take her to A&E.
A&E said she'd have a psyche evaluation in the morning. Like all her other trips to hospital she convinced them she was fine the following day and got released.
Then she went on the warpath. Called me to say we needed to talk about the disgusting treatment I was putting her through. That the hospital was laughing at me for taking her in for an atempted suicide when she took some painkillers for her back.
Said the knife incident was purely for effect and to wind me up.
Said she was reporting me to the police for ransacking her house (whilst looking for pills, I might add). And that she reported me to her GP's and that they will never speak to me again.
Said that I was a stupid, silly little girl for ever thinking she'd kill herself.
This phonecall was at 6:30 in the morning, by 9 o'clock she was drunk and rang me at work for a chat (like nothing has happened), and was truly perplexed when I said I couldn't speak to her.
The week that followed was a nightmare. She'd ring us 20 times a night talking us through her various suicide attempts. Telling us there was blood on the floor. We called her bluff each time and she's still with us.
She has since told anyone that would listen, that I bully her.
That I used to snoop in her things when we lived there and treated her like a slave.
That I blackmail her with seeing her grandson. (I did say she couldn't see him when she'd been drinking, but that was the only condition.)
That I used to do 'other' things when ds visited her on his own on Saturdays. Something she asked for btw. I'm unsure of what she expected me to do?
And the clincher - that I stole money from her.
The worst for me was when her friend 'P' refused to buy her more vodka and she threatened to call his employers and tell them he had been abusing her. He is a careworker and it could've ruined his life.
I was scared of her then. I didn't know what she was capable of. I couldn't sleep. I was constantly on edge. Jumping when the phone rang, at work or at home. Expecting her to send social services round with lies.
It was a truly horrible time.
She went into detox in October. (Although she still drinks.) Has since been told by everyone what she put me through (she claims not to remember) and that she really oughto apologise to me. She refuses pointblank saying it was only the drink talking.
She sits in my house visiting her son and my ds and we don't speak. The atmosphere is awful and I usually go out. Recently she's started to make small talk with me as if nothing ever happened. I have been refusing to be anything other than civil. I greet her and say 'hmm' to her chitchat and leave the room.
We are moving back to SA in 3 weeks time. We had been undecided on the move for a few years and she was the only reason we were staying, but her behaviour since July has changed our minds.
My question is this: Should I really be the bigger person and speak to her, given that we are moving 5000 miles away from her anyway? I feel a tiny bit of guilt still, but my rational side thinks, what for? All the effort in our relationship has always come from me. I feel as if the 6 years i had known and cared for her had been a lie as she clearly never liked me from the start. But I was closest (geographically) to come running and the rest of her family had heard it all before and had given up helping.
If I forgive and forget (the way her family has done for the past 20 years), I am condoning her behaviour. I believe everyone is allowed to be down and not always nice to other people, but I believe you make your own choices and you have no right to treat people the way she did me. Not without an apology afterwards.
Am I being petty?