To lie to my sister

[lieornot]

DN doesn't speak to her mother (my sister). DN just had a baby and has asked us (me and grandparents) not to tell anyone yet. I'm seeing DS today and on the phone she just asked if there was any sign of baby. I escaped the question but she's on her way here and I'm worried she's going to ask. My parents and I feel terrible and it's such a horrible situation. I feel bad for everyone and I hate lying, but I don't feel I have a choice since I've been explicitly asked not to tell people! Help, WWYD? I don't feel I can mention it to DN right now as she's a couple of days into newborn life and it's a hot potato!

What’s DN

Niece

it depends on WHY DN has nothing to do with her mother, your sister

So, your sister knows that her daughter (your niece) is pregnant (and roughly how far along she is), but just doesn't know that the baby has arrived?

Why doesn't your niece what anyone told? Seems to be beyond just not telling her mother.

Why don't your sister and your niece talk?

Tell your sister you hate being in the middle so not to ask any questions.

I can appreciate you're in a terrible position, but as DN has asked that the birth be kept quiet I think you have to say "Can't comment"

Just say that you can't say one way or the other because it's not your news. Which it isn't. You have to honour your DN's confidence as she will never trust you again if you don't. People very rarely cut off their parents for no reason.

Make it clear to your sister your not going to be put in the middle like that and you won't answer any questions

Tell DSis that you're not the go-between (because you love them both and it's not fair on you).

I think I’d cancel seeing my sister today.

To be honest I don’t think it is fair and it is quite controlling of your DN to tell you what you can and cannot do. I am NC with my parents and I speak to one of my mother’s sisters but I would never dare to tell her what she can and cannot do. If I didn’t want my mother to know something then I would deliberately not tell my aunt because I’m allowed to control myself but not others.

DSis: So, any sign of the baby?

You: DSis, I’m really uncomfortable being put in the middle like this between you and DNiece. I think if you want to know news about DNiece, especially information about such personal things such as about the pregnancy, you really need to ask her. Have a think about it. Now, tell me all about you! How’s your job/partner/house/next holiday planning going?

Why are they not speaking? Context would be useful.
Depending on reason,maybe you could persuade niece to tell her Mum that baby has arrived safely.

This.

How long does DN want you to keep quiet? A day? A month?

I would tell my sister, but that’s based on the dynamics of my own family. Of course I’d also tell her I didn’t want to be stuck in middle etc

It’s not fair of DN to put you in the position of having to lie to your sister. It’s controlling and unreasonable

If the reason for NC is petty on behalf of the niece I'd tell my sister. If it's something serious such as abuse I'd say "i don't know I haven't spoken to her lately"

This

Thanks. I think I'm going to with something along these lines.

Telling DS is not an option on the table, I would never betray anyone's confidence. However with hindsight I wish I'd discussed the situation with DN before baby arrived, as I had a feeling she wouldn't tell her straight away, but we are where we are.

She is not being petty in her reasons for not speaking to DS, although if it was me I'd probably be courteous for people pleasing reasons. My DN is of the younger generation who seem to love enforcing strong boundaries, something I simultaneously respect and find annoying!

I agree DN is being a bit unreasonable but how do I approach that now with a days post-partum new Mum? I recently had a baby myself and I want to support her not add to her stress.

It's not your news to tell someone. Just stick to that mantra.