I thought because i was not the physically attacked that I could not have been abused. I still question it occasionally and find myself questioning my behaviour. He was a nice kind guy right, everyone liked him. Charismatic and charming. Hardworking.
I am coming up to two years the other side of my ex partner walking out on the kids and I. He works in an industry that’s takes him abroad for the majority of the year. He cheated multiple times (found out later), lied constantly, left me looking after two very young children alone and finally ran off with another women. The devastation he caused, left me feeling like I had been attacked and discarded. It’s taken me so long to understand that he was not this great guy he had repeatedly told me he was. That I wasn’t less than him. The trauma he caused me has changed me forever.
Lie
I thought he was financially generous. He paid the bills and encouraged me to stay at home and parent. I was so lucky to have such a supportive partner.
Truth
I was financially controlled and given a tiny allowance that barely covered the food and fuel. I had no access to money without his permission. No joint account and no credit card. He would criticise my spending. Make me feel guilty if I ever asked for more money.
Lie
He worked so hard for us all and I do not work so I should be grateful. What an amazing man.
Truth
I went through two pregnancies alone. I raised two babies and toddlers with the only help being a few weeks he showed up a year usually after three months of being away. He would then constantly make excuses to just have to pop out to work during that time. I was alone, exhausted and never had any time to myself ever. Meanwhile his life carried on as before. Drinking, dinners out, boat trips, days off spent strolling around cities. Later it transpired he had plenty of time to have multiple affairs. Meanwhile I barely had time to shower daily.
Lie
We would have various disagreements on the phone. Sometimes I was just exhausted. Other times I was so poorly, one time I had such severe chest infection I could not look after the children. I begged him to come home but he could not leave work and fly home. He was needed. I cried about how alone I felt but he was just doing his best for us right?! I convinced myself I was weak and pathetic.
Truth
He could have come home any point but he repeatedly chose to pick work over his family. He would give me the silent treatment or go out and drink, pass out and switch his phone off.
Lie
I am not doing anything just going to my hotel and to bed. I’m exhausted working so hard. Even if he was going out that’s fine he works so hard.
Truth
Getting drunk to the point he would pass out. Taking drugs. Sleeping with women. Lying again and again and omitting the truth to such extremes.
These are just some truths. It’s taken me so much therapy to understand that his behaviour was not normal or ok. I was told repeatedly I was too emotional, I was hard work, I needed mental help. I was lazy for not working (despite in the next breath telling me not to work). Honestly the amount of conflicting statements left me disorientated and distressed. It felt like nothing I did was ok.
At the end after finally having my suspicions concerned and finding out he was having an affair (one of many in transpired) he left. The new girfriend genuinely believes I am crazy and I was an abusive narcissist. Life was rewritten and he was the poor helpless victim so unhappy. I had forced him to have kids, the ones he pushed to have. Weeks before he was caught it was all I love you and we were making future plans. I even have the messages. I had to look back multiple times because the way he had rewritten history felt like I was losing my mind. I honestly feel like I have been to hell and back. I was discarded and am now treated as if I am shit on his shoe. He still shows up those few weeks a year and genuinely believes he is an incredible father to the kids.
I just wanted to write this post in case others are going through similar situations. It’s taken me so long to understand and begin to accept that it wasn’t me. I did not do anything wrong. That abuse doesn’t have to be violence. The emotional scars are very much there.