Alcoholic grandmother ... first and only grandchild

[Snowdrops17]

I'd like some opinions please as I just don't know what the right thing to do here is apologise for the long post:

I'm an only child and just had my 1st baby who is 12 weeks old . Myself and my mum are extremely close as we are pretty much all each other has in the world it's always been the two of us she raised me as a single parent with pretty much no money and hard conditions , it was just us really obviously until I met my DP that is and now have DD.

My mum has always been an alcoholic but has always functioned to a point as in if you know her you know she is an alcoholic as she would show up drunk and think nobody would know she was drinking that kind of thing. The last 3 - 4 years due to varies reasons her drinking is absolutely out of control she doesn't function anymore and when she starts drinking, drinks to oblivion and doesn't stop for weeks on end and has been hospitalised a number of times due to it.

Most recently because DD was born she has stopped drinking but cold turkey by herself it lasted maybe 2 months and is now again off the wagon . I have told her that I don't want to see her or speak to her until she gets help and that I don't ever want DD exposed to her drinking. She constantly gaslights me lying saying she isn't drinking when she clearly is. it's always been this way and really takes a toll as she really is the most wonderful person there isn't any badness in her just an awful addiction and it very hard on me to not see or speak to her.

The thing is I don't think I could live with myself if I cut her off completely we are extremely close and I'm terrified something will happen to her and to be honest I think she is slowly killing herself with drink it's that bad ! but I also have to think of my DD and if I don't condemn the drinking and all that comes with it she will think it's ok and continue as she always has . I know deep down she doesn't want to stop drink and probably won't get help I'm just so heartbroken and so Torn. I'm holding my little girl who is asleep on me and I can't imagine letting her down constantly the way my mum has over the years but also she was such an amazing mum despite the drinking which makes it even harder because I can't hate her I love her deeply but there is also only so much one person can take .

I don't think addicts are safe people gor children to be around personally.

The unpredictability, the difference in emotions... not to mention them being g careless and accidentally doing something that impacts the child.

I think you would be unreasonable to have her around your baby.

See her by yourself if you like, but she knows what she has to do if she wants to be in your daughter's life.

She stopped for two months, she can do it again.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. It is infuriating and heartbreaking at the same time

You grew up with no money because your mother drank it.

She drinks and gaslights you.

Please don’t inflict that onto a child.

That is so sad to read OP.
Can you tell your mum what you've just put in your post. If you explain how you are feeling, apologies if you already have though.
Now you are a mother you are looking at your own mother with fresh eyes and I guess unable to comprehend how she can be like this.
Sadly her illness won't let her see the damage she has done to your relationship over the years.
Hopefully with a new gd now she would seek help but as this has been going on for many years maybe we are past that point.
You can only feel responsible for your mum up to a point. Do you have other relatives or a father that can help?
Congratulations on becoming a mother please try to enjoy every minute I know that's hard when worrying about your Mum though.

No she actually didn't to be fair to her I never went without the bills were always paid . She was a fabulous mother her only downfall was alcohol . I'd never take that away from her she had a shitty hand and I only now realise how hard it must of been for her .

If I were in your position (and I have been with my own parents but with another issue involving my children's safety), I would think about how you may feel if you give an ultimatum regarding your child and her addiction is stronger than her love and care for your baby. That is an extremely hard pill to swallow, from experience. I would just back away and say that she can visit you both and just not have alone time with your baby. If she hassles you, say "When you get your one year chip and are safe and accountable, you can be alone with her."

How would you feel about a compromise of talking to her in the phone but not seeing her so that you can keep your dd away?

This is so sad OP.i really feel for you.
Life is complicated.

Its not clear if you want to be NC or just think you should be NC (the vibe i get is its the latter...apols if i got that wrong)

I like to think im pretty firm but NC probably wouldnt be my start point. (NC for my child might be my end point though) if you are close and want to stay in contact you have the option of seeing your mum without your child too.

Are there any times / scenarios where she can be trusted to be sober at all?

Ie could you meet your mum in a cafe at 9.30/10am?

There are rules or boundaries you could have
no unsupervised time, no pushing the pram when out, holding baby only when sitting or playing on floor (whatever is more appropriate) no changing or feeding baby

Its not the same... but my mil is fundamentally impractical/clueless/self absorbed to the point its actually really dangerous so my dh have a set of rules around her and the kids similar to the above.
The only one my dh argued about was pushing the pram and i relented. She legit got distracted 10 mins in and almost let it roll down a huge hill because she saw a nice dress 😱)

I dont like mil for other reasons but she fundamentally isnt bad and i wouldnt stop them having a relationship with the kids without a stronger reason

This is so difficult and I really feel you you, OP. Similar situation here but it's my MIL rather than my DM and there was a strained relationship between my DH and his DM due to many years of alcohol abuse. She similarly thought she could appear to be sober and lied incessantly. But that's all symptomatic if addiction. I think once you have your own DC and every part of you wants to protect them and shield them from addiction, it becomes very difficult to maintain the same relationship you have with a parent suffering with addiction. In our situation, we did go full NC for over 2 years because it was taking such a toll on my DH mental health. MIL is currently sober and has been for a while so now has limited contact with our DC and always supervised. It's very sad that that is what it has come to, but unfortunately, we all have to accept in the circumstances, limited contact is all we can stretch to. And we always give advanced warning when planning a visit and ring when we're on our way as DH can gauge by her voice if MIL is sober. It's a sad reality of addiction but our DC come first and our duty as parents is to protect them. Sending love OP. It's really difficult and sad.

Forget all notions of her getting clean. It isn't going to happen. If she couldn't do it for her daughter, she's not going to be able to for her granddaughter either.

All you can control in this situation is your exposure to her drinking. Set yourself some strong healthy boundaries... and don't move outside of them. It's OK to say to her that you love her but you don't like being around her when she's been drinking. Separate the two things.

Of all the times when you need your Mum, this must be especially hard. Go easy on yourself

Thank you yes I completely feel for your DH it just takes such a huge toll mentally and they don't realise the absolute torture they put you through . Funnily I'm the same I can tell straight away over the phone if she has even had one drink kind of sad isn't it to be that in tune with it .

Thank you yes I think it's especially hard now with DD as there are days I'm so sleep deprived and just want my mom but I can't

I had this issue with my father.
He didn't live close so it wasn't exactly the same as we couldn't always see each other anyway due to distance but I did put some boundaries in place to protect my children (he was never abusive or anything like that)

I told him he couldn't drink at all around the kids, that meant that he no longer stayed with us when he visited as he couldn't go that long without drinking.
I never ever let him drive any of us (to my knowledge he never drove after drinking but I was concerned he may still be over the limit from the night before)
I never left him alone with the kids.

That way they could still have some kind of relationship and be in each others life as they and I loved him dearly.

Unfortunately he passed away due to alcohol related issues but I am glad they knew each other.

Obviously in the case of abusive/violet drunks it would be an absolute no contact situation.

We are in a similar situation with my MIL. She has periods where she drinks for a few weeks then is fine for a few weeks. I will not have her around my children at all when she has been drinking, but we do see her when she's completely sober. We have to phone the morning of each visit to check and it is hard. She has never ever done any babysitting for us or had the kids overnight as I simply can't trust her not to drink around them if we're not there.

She needs help. Going cold turkey can have health risks also.

I think you should limit contact to just seeing your mum on your own when your partner can look after the baby. I understand that you don't want to cut off your mum but it's not good for your child to be around an alcoholic. Tell your mum that you want to help but that the decision to stop has to come from her. Encourage her to get help from her GP - going cold turkey can be dangerous for someone who is alcohol dependent and needs careful management. I hope you can get through to her. Good luck OP 💐

My mother was an alcoholic (and my greatest shame is that I became an alcoholic, although been sober a good while now).

My situation is a bit different, as my mother was an horrid person, but I still loved her and could never totally cut her off.

My sister went NC with our Mum when sis' DS was 4. I supported her in this, but chose to stay LC with her.

The last time I ever saw my mother was when my DC (twins) were 18 months old. She was in hospital, dying of brain and lung cancer. It was only the second time she had ever seen my DC, as there was no way I was having them around her.

Even on her deathbed, she was still able to make shitty comments about my DC and I walked out, not seeing her again.

She died alone 3 months later. I have no regrets.

Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be absolutely devastating for you to be without your Mum as a new Mum yourself. As painful as it is however, you can't expose yourself or your new DD to this. I know it's so hard but you have to lay down a firm boundary and insist that your Mum only has contact with you while she's sober. As you know, it's easy to tell when an alcoholic has had a drink and you absolutely need to enforce the boundary if your Mum is using. It sounds harsh but it's about protecting yourself and your child. Alcohol makes people do things they would never dream of doing while sober and can do so much damage when desperate for oblivion. I hope you can navigate through this without too much pain. Stay strong and break the cycle. ❤️

my mum was the same. The best mum ever but always drinking. Saying she could stop anytime but doesnt want to. My mum's drinking got worse when i was looking at university. It was just me and her so she was scared i was going to leave and she would be lonely. They wont stop unless they want to. My mum died when i was 19 and she was 49. She never got help. I hope you and your mum can work through this. I know how hard it is. If you want to talk to someone who has lived through something similar, then message me

@OneRealRosePlayer I'm so sorry about your mom that's just absolutely heartbreaking thank you for your kind words and support x