To resent that my DPS attempts at running a business are destroying our family

[lucyellensmum]

IVe no money and virtually no food in the house. For the past two years ive lived like this. He has earnt 7K on average and no benefits coming in.

He is a carpenter and very good at what he does, but cannot organise the business at all, so he has irate clients on his back all the time, he has to work ridiculous hours to get jobs done, for what??

Now i know there is an obvious answer to this, i should get a job, i do have earning potential but very little experience. I cannot do the part time thing because we would lose the tax credits we are finally getting and childcare costs bla bla bla - but thats not the point, i really really dont want my little girl cared for by strangers and only seeing her for an hour before bedtime.

So i am lazy and selfish???? But my point is this - if he were to give up on the business and see sense, get a job he could earn 30K and we would be OK (just, as you can imagine two years of earning next to nothing we have acrued a lot of debt - borrowing just to pay the mortgage etc) Its such a mess. If all he could earn was 7K then i would no question get a job, but when you look at things logically it wouldnt matter if i were earning 100K, him running a business that is basically losing money is just plain stupid.

I am at breaking point, i have been sobbing on front of DD all morning and staring at a big packet of tablets that i should be returning to the chemist (ive had them since my father died two years ago) and thinking i could end this now, Im not going to, i want to believe me, because i hate breathing right now but i coudlnt do that to my little girl, i love her so much i cant describe. I fucked up with her sister so much, i was so interested in my own career that i dumped her on my parents all the time so i could study and work, what was that all for?? I now have a teenage daughter that barely speaks to me, lives with her boyfriend and is busy letting life pass by her.

I am full of so much resentment for DP just now, i love him dearly but right now i dont want him, i dont want this life - if i walk away i wont have much but its got to be better than all of this stress = i can only take so much, im not a strong person.

Ive just spoken to him on the phone and we are both more positive, i pretty much am going to tell him that he must get some agency work and start charging more for what he is doing.

Thats the thing soapbox, he just doesnt get it, i bet your wardrobes are just lovely, i bet too that DP would have made just as nice job of them, but then the stupid twunt would have probably done it for 2 grand!! or less even - bet you wish you knew his . I know this is really very cheeky and feel free to say no, i totally understand but would you mind posting a picture of them so that i can show them to DP and let him see that there are people out there willing to pay the proper money for a good job.

There are too many people around here who are getting wonderful jobs done for a stupid amount of money - no wonder he doesnt have to advertise

soapbox, that is my problem, my mum can look after DD for the odd hour, but when i had a part time job i had to give it up because she was letting me down all the time re childcare - not her fault, shes 73 and not in the best of health. I dont have anyone else and i am really not wanting her to go to all day childcare yet.

Someone did mention that my getting a job of less than 16 hours a week wouldnt affect my tax credits, so am going to look into that, especially as in september she will get free nursery. Oh, now i sound like a bloody benefit sponger.

Thankfully the tax is up to date - he got a tax rebate last year as he had done some paid work and paid tax at the time - i am really scared about this year though - i need to start going through that scary looking box of papers on the bookcase

I honestly am so frustrated with myself, i worked my socks off to get my PhD, bloody nearly sent myself loopy to get my degree - and i have never ever used them, i just dont have the confidence, i dont think i could go back to science, i dont feel i have the ability. The jobs i have been looking into are cleaning jobs and bar work

LEM of course I will post a piccie if that will help

I'll try and take some after I've picked the children up from school!

Thanks for that soap box

I have just done a very naughty thing and gone for coffee with DD, using money that is supposed to be for DPs materials, but i was so stressed - anyway, it was nice, and i actually picked up a newspaper and was able to read a whole article before DDs patience ran out - made me feel human again.

if you did get involved in running the business you would soon learn how long a particular job takes/what the going rate is for it and then you would be able to schedule and price things on your DH's behalf

not entirely sure snitzel, but it has to be worth a try - i could always adopt the age old method of thumb sucking ;)

Dp is also a skilled carpenter with rubbish estimating and people skills.
He doesn't employ anyone else though.
I am busy nearly full time with my own self employment this past 12 months, but since he moved in with me 6 years ago I have been his 'client liaison manager'. (Don't laugh it works). Things like, I make the appointments for him to go and measure up/view the work. I type up the estimates but this is not because I like menial jobs its because I put him right on the prices! So if he says 'oh that will take me about 5 days' I give him my lecture on how he always underestimates the time and I add 20% on as I'm typing it. We have calculated the min daily rate that he should charge so now that he is putting in more realistic estimates based on more realistic times to do jobs, he is earning better. He usually has a waiting list for jobs to be done (doesn't have to advertise) so I keep the customers in the queue updated as to when he can work for them. Then I type up the invoices when the work is done, making sure he doesn't offer any discounts etc!
Also, when he's working on a job, if he needs materials, when I was on maternity leave I used to put baby and then baby and toddler in the car and go and pick up stuff and deliver it to jobs which saved him lots of time.
I agree with others who say you should get a part time job - on this kind of income if you get something on less than 16 hours a week you would get 70% of childcare paid. It does seem unfair for you to want to be SAHM and dismiss working yourself, but you want him to abandon his dream.
Sounds like he needs to get rid of the employees and just work for himself. DP started out fitting kitchens for B&Q 15 years ago and gradually the B&Q customers asked him back to do other jobs, recommended him to other people and it grew sort of organically from him being a craftsman.

I do all of those things you mention, but well, ive just about talked myself out on this one - Will see how things go, but i have decided that if it turns out that i have to go back to work full time, i will only do this if he is willing to be SAHP. I am not willing to compromise what i feel is best for dd for his "dream".

LEM - photos are now on my profile

Lucyellen, I work 16 hours, DH works 35 hours per week, and have an income of £18k which varies as we are both self employed, all of DD's nursery fees are covered, apply for those.

Thanks soapbox, you paid 8k for ALL of those?????

Only useful advice I can add is...

A great carpenter/cabinet maker who did lots of work for us told me that he only commits himself to work for up to 6 weeks in the future - in the past he had to let lots of people down because jobs would run over or customers would want extra things done while he was there...

grapefruit, we call those the "just" jobs. Customers will say - could you "just" do this little extra, it wont take long - some of them dont even expect to pay for it trouble is, my DP is too blardy soft and does them. And yes, they do bite into shedules.

I think the plan is to complete the work he is commited too now, then see if he can get some agency work until we are a bit straighter. Will have to see how things go - i am not saying that i wont get a job but i know i will be resentful if i have to do this - i know that is not being fair but i just cannot imagine not being there for DD.Which in itself is ridiculous because i know of lots of working mums who manage both, really well and their children are just as happy - its just my own hang up.

Thankyou everyone for your patience and support, i will take your advice on board and look at getting more involved with the business.

Just a thought LEM, but if you suspect your dh is underpricing his work, can you do some 'mystery shopper' research? Pretend you are a customer who wants a specific piece of carpentry work completed, then phone around different carpenters to get quotes for price and time. Tell your dh what other carpenters are charging.

The other thing you could do is job search for dh - look for companies taking on carpenters. If you see anything suitable, show it to your dh. It could be easier to get your dh applying for jobs if an actual job vacancy is presented to him rather than hoping he will do all the groundwork first. I realise your dh might get cross and say you are meddling, but if he is that stressed, can you talk him round?

I too think it would take some if the stress off you if you got some paid work - soapbox's ideas sound good, but really, anything you decide on.

I do feel for you. My dh tried set up a coffee machine repair business and it was such a struggle for both of us. Dh realised he actually hated working alone all day. It took him ages to admit this to himself, though I'd realised this long before.