To think I’m a failure of a mother?

[WalkOverLooseLego]

I have one four year old. I am on my own, no family around, no partner. Few friends.

I work whilst DS in in pre-school but for myself so have been doing it in my evenings over summer holidays as local clubs are for 5+. I’m burnt out. Today we have watched two films back to back and gone for a walk because I can’t do any more. I am becoming less engaged as a mother and craving time alone all the time. I’m always exhausted and can’t bear the idea of playing. I wake up in the morning and dream of what I would do if I had a day to myself - but obviously that’s impossible.

I’ve just read someone else on another thread saying they wished they had sent the summer ‘making memories with their DC’ and I feel like shit because I haven’t done this. I’ve scraped by. And I think DS knows it.

I feel like a terrible parent. I’m so disengaged. I’m trying, but I’m so exhausted and sutra ted that playing feels like such a chore. How can I just be a better mother? Do you just have to do it and eventually it becomes normal then good?

No way, you are amazing, you sound like you are doing incredibly. Can you make an arrangement with any of your child’s friends parents to help each other out with childcare and get some time to yourself?

You sound like you are doing your best under difficult circumstances. That doesn't make you a crap mum. Is he going to school soon. That will give you a break

I don’t really have anyone. I did message one but she read and didn’t reply. Others are busy with family and work or away on holiday. I’m extremely lonely and I think it’s catching up with me. I tried making more mum friends but it didn’t happen. I hope when he starts school this will change.

I just feel sad as a few weeks ago we did have a play date with another family and their children played together and entertained each other whilst mum got on with stuff. I resort to tv tv to cook dinner or something because mine won’t play without me. And I’m so checked out when I am playing at the moment that he has to notice. I’ve started loudly sighing at things. And getting a bit snippy.

I know I’m burnt out but it’s not his fault, he should have a fully present and engaged parent.

Different circumstances but just wanted to give you a virtual high five from a fellow burnt out, exhausted, fed up, battery empty, guilt ridden mum🥰

It’s so hard isn’t it? I wouldn’t mind so much if he played by himself for a bit but he won’t, so I have to be paying him attention 24/7 and my brain is struggling so much I’m just zoning out. I’ve tried all the tricks to get him to play alone, he won’t do it.

God I relate to your second paragraph! Can feel myself disengaging. It’s a tricky time of the year though. Normality will resume soon, the lack of routine is not good for me. Do you work every hour your child is at school? You should try and schedule in some of those hours for your brain to rest.

Please don't feel bad. The fact you are worrying about it makes you a good parent and it sounds like you are very dedicated to your dc. Please don't panic. I'm a teacher and have been off work with my dc for the past 6 weeks and I'm not ashamed to say I am ready to go back to work next week. I've loved the time with them and we've done loads but I'm ready to get back to some normality. I'm struggling this weekend and also felt like I've checked out a bit. I feel a bit burnt out with the endless snacks, toilet trips, tidying, role play etc.... you need to enjoy time away from them to enjoy time with them and if you're not getting a break you're going to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't make you a bad mum. Is your child starting school next week? Can you get some time to yourself then?

My kids are now 6 and 9 and this is probably the first summer I’ve not felt burnt out. So as a parent a few years ahead of you I can confirm it only gets easier. You’ll be able to make memories next year. Xx

The best memories are the little daily ones that all add up. That feeling of being loved.

Let me see.. so you're working in the evenings and then wonder why you're not a happy energetic playmate to your DS during the day (while also cleaning, cooking etc.). Hmm, You are NOT a bad mum!! You are taking care of your baby boy, making sure he's safe, fed and loved. He will make plenty of friends to play with at school and I hope you will find some nice mums to hang with as well. ❤️

OP I was a single mum following an abusive marriage, ds was 4 at the time of the divorce. I had no help either, the days were long and hard and I just scraped by in a fog of exhaustion. I felt like a terrible mother and that I was ruining his childhood, in fact I barely have memories of chunks of it due to stress and depression.

It got better once he had started school. He made friends and would have regular play dates, and learnt to play on his own. I still needed to be in the room, but could collapse on the sofa with a cuppa so he could check that I was near.

I too felt it when I seemed to be surrounded with happy families, with siblings playing happily together, and judged myself for being tired and grumpy. For years all I heard was ' mum, are you watching me!'. I actually won a prize at a sunday school holiday club for being the mum who managed to do star jumps with my son attached to my leg, as he couldn't bear to be more than a few feet away from me!

I am rambling I know, but want you to know that you are actually doing great. This time will pass although it doesnt seem like it right now. My DS is in his 30s and often mentions good memories, whilst my memory of the same events is being miserable and feeling inadequate.

Nothing wrong with watching films back to back either. I did the same. The important thing is that you are there with him, he knows that you love him even if you view playing as a chore. And let's face it, a lot of the time it is!

Can I suggest you spend 20-30 mins at the start of the day giving him your full and undivided attention and let him dictate what you spend it doing (not screens)? Then at least you've started the day on a positive note and filled his cup.

Maybe try to repeat a couple of times through the day if you can face it. But it's fine to have downtime.

Honestly loads of kids will be watching films pretty much all day at this stage in the holidays.

Please on't sigh and be snippy when playing with him. He's only a little boy and atm you're the only playmate he seems to have. Better not to play at all than make it obvious to your young child that you don't enjoy playing with him. No experience of this at all, but can't you fake it til you make it?

I think some mums are different, im not a mum that was good at baking and getting on the floor using my imagination with toys i would rather have gone outside or taken them somewhere etc and plus you dont have a sibling for them to keep them occupied so its all on you. I feel guilty that im on my phone alot and having a 4 year old is still tiring they are full on. If you do something like go to the park or something for them then I wouldn't feel guilty for the time around that because they've had their bit of fun. If you got their teddies and toys out and made a circle and they had a tea party I wonder if that would make them feel like they have someone to play with and encourage them to play alone