Pushy Grandparents, SEN Child and Video Calls

[ECJW93]

Me and DD’s dad split up a few years ago, he hasn’t been allowed to see DD for 3 years now because of court cases and DA. I do keep in contact with some members of his family as they will occasionally ask about DD, send money for her etc and there’s no legal restrictions on them as such regarding contact.

They also haven’t seen DD for several years, since contact with her father stopped, because they can’t be trusted not to bring him along to contact and I don’t want to put myself in that position face-to-face with them, because they would just spend the whole time trying to justify their son/brother’s abusive behaviour.

They do occasionally ask to video call with DD, but DD has autism and really struggles to stay on a video call and I spend my whole time trying to call her back to the phone and then having to deal with the meltdowns afterwards. It’s a hassle for me, a stress that I don’t need on top of caring for DD and meeting all her needs by myself, DD doesn’t enjoy it and I’m not going to keep forcing her to do these calls. Her grandmother though keeps being very persistent saying that it’s “just for a couple of minutes” or she wants to show her things etc to the point where after I say no and the reasons why, if she continues, I just start ignoring the messages and not replying.

AIBU?

Change your number, and don't give them the new one.

You owe them nothing, and your daughter certainly doesn't.

If you can just keep it to two minutes where they both say hi, then end the call when your daughter wanders off, I would do it occasionally. It sounds as if they don't call frequently, and although children often aren't very interested in talking to older relatives, it will give your daughter a mental image of her grandmother

Fine to stop contact if you wish but you need to refuse gifts too. It may not be pay per view with children but if you accept gifts then a 2 minute video call isn't asking a lot

They will randomly message me and say they have sent money via bank transfer for DD, I don’t have their bank details to return it and I’ve told them multiple times that it’s not necessary especially since the grandparents are retired now and their son lives off them financially. Plus, the phone calls are never 2 minutes and they repeatedly try and force DD to do things and answer questions that I’ve told them multiple times that she struggles with and struggles to answer because of her autism and communication/speech delays.

Personally i'd continue the calls, keep communication open for her in the future if she wants it. But.. If she walks off during the call I would just say, oh she's gone now. So you're not forcing her or stressing out yourself.

What else are the supposed to do when they're not allowed to see her?
Have they actually turned up with your ex before?

they

Yes - they brought him to my house when they knew there was an injunction, he then assaulted me whilst holding DD. So yes - they have form for it and cannot be trusted unfortunately.

Suggest exchange of photos and short videos instead? On e.g. a WhatsApp specifically for that?

Just cut contact completely. Realistically after something like that you are never going to trust them. The relationship is never going to move beyond video calls and it doesn't benefit your daughter at all.

Hard boundary, video calls distress DD so no we won't be doing them.

I would send them the odd video and photo.

Second this. My little boy is autistic and has global development delay. He hates video calls, will not engage on them and finds them confusing and distressing so I no longer do them

Can't you just explain it as you have done on here? Ask them to send a recording that you will show your DD? And send a recording back?

Might be worth closing the bank account they have the details to.

Agree with this. Do the call but if she walks off don't push. Let them send money if they want.

I do regularly send photos and videos but the phone calls are draining for me too as she spends about 20-25 minutes talking to me about every single update in her life whilst I’m trying to sort DD out, keep a constant eye on her because she gets into all sorts of mischief and calm her down from being on a video call that she doesn’t want to be on. I think unless you’ve got neurodiverse children you won’t understand how distressing things can be for them, as PP have stated with their own children and experiences

I experienced this in the lockdown with my AuHD child. Family members I'm fond of but video calls were awful - stopped bothering very quickly!

Just say no OP.

Oh wow OP, so sorry