How to confront ex

[topsy22]

Get on mostly quite well with my ex. We share a 13 year old ds but split when he was a baby mainly due to ex and his awful temper. The majority of the time he was fine but he can go from 0 to 10000000 in seconds. I've known him to throw things, smash things up, swear and be utterly vile and abusive. We split up due to this because being around him and never knowing when he'd kick off put me in a constant state of anxiety and I didn't want my young child growing up around that.

It seemed like he has mellowed a bit with age but he still kicks off and is particularly strict with his kids. He was two younger dc with his new wife and he loses his rag with them often from what ds tells me. Ds doesn't really get told off as he's older and mostly well behaved but it seems like my ex just can't get his head around the way small kids behave and where most parents might just mutter ffs he goes nuclear with shouting and telling them off.

Anyway a few weeks ago ds went on holiday with ex and his family. While they were away he experienced his dad's wrath for 'having attitude' which apparently included ex being verbally threatening, swearing, name calling (you spoilt little horrible bastard) and ds was incredibly upset and rang me wanting to come home. It was awful knowing how upset he was and that I couldn't get to him (they were abroad). I spoke to my ex who seemed very calm and just said ds had had a telling off nothing more. But I knew it would be more than that.

Since he's been home ds hasn't spoken much about it and he says he still wants to see his dad but I can tell something has shifted with him a bit. He is definitely wary of him and I do worry that as ds teenage attitude fully develops there will be more of these clashes which are at best unpleasant and at worse abusive.

Because it happens so rarely I don't think I can stop contact and ds doesn't want that anyway. But I'm still really unhappy about how he has been treated and worried about it happening again. What do I do?

Be guided by your child. I doubt a court would insist on contact at his age. I would discuss future holidays where he can’t jump on a train to get home and check in as often as possible. If ds wants to reduce contact, don’t push it. I would hate the thought of a child being stuck with no escape. It sounds like your son has learned not to ‘upset’ his father as you say he’s now well behaved (not that he was awful, just he’s growing up), but holidays are very intense situations and clearly it’s been too much.

It's difficult for ds because ex is mostly fine with him. These incidents are very few and far between but when they do happen I know it affects ds greatly and he is very frightened. So it's confusing for him but at the moment he is still saying he wants to go to his dads as normal. I imagine he will be more wary of future holidays though.

I just don't know why he can't get his temper under control and realise that swearing and throwing things at your own child is fucking disgraceful.

Men like your ex usually can keep their temper under control- at work, with their friends, extended family- anywhere other than at home. They choose to run their mouths and throw their weight around at home because there’s very little their wife and children can do about it. They are cowardly arse holes.

Reassure your son that he is old enough to decide if and when he wants to spend time with his father.

Is it likely that, if your son shows signs of being a little cooler with his father it will cause your ex to be more quick tempered?

It's funny you say this because he actually has flown off the handle a few times with colleagues and family members albeit not as badly. He just can't keep his temper under control and it's always someone else's fault.

I hope ex has had a wake up call that ds is old enough to make his own decisions now but I don't think it'll do much to sort his anger issues out. If he were always like this then it'd be simple - ds simply wouldn't have contact, But it's actually quite sad because the rest of the time he is an involved, engaged consistent dad.