Another DH and night out thread!

65zoolane · 2024-08-31T09:26:44+00:00

DH left for work yesterday at 6.30am as usual, went straight out after work and stayed at a friends house (planned). I was hoping/presuming he would be back this morning to help as I’ve been on my own with DCs 2 and 3 months. I’ve messaged to find out what time he’ll be back and he’s out at a restaurant getting brunch with friend and his DCs? It’s a 90 minute drive away so he’s not going to be back until early afternoon. AIBU to be annoyed? I literally have DCS all the time because I’m on maternity leave and we’ve got 2 bathrooms ripped out which DH is replacing in his spare time.

nwsw · 31/08/2024 10:27

I guess it depends on whether you knew what the plan was and if he's now changing that. Do you get this type of time yourself?

Tbskejue · 31/08/2024 10:29

i understand why you feel that way but I don’t think you can get annoyed that he didn’t know what you were hoping/preusming

Original poster

65zoolane · 31/08/2024 10:29

No I never get any time to myself due to the bathroom situation mentioned. If DH needs to look after DCs it’s prolonging my time without functioning bathrooms! He had said he would get up early and drive back.

OP posts:

pinkducky · 31/08/2024 10:29

I think YABU to be cross with him because you didn't have a conversation about what time he would be returning, and so he has failed to meet expectations that he didn't know about!

However, YANBU to be secretly pissed off. I was super resentful of my DH at times because he could just swan in and out at his own pleasure whilst I was sleep deprived and constantly breastfeeding!

AuCo44 · 31/08/2024 10:32

I don’t think he’s being unfair as long as you get to go away overnight with your own friends and get a decent break from childcare.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2024 10:32

Why did he rip out two at once? Do you have one functioning?

IntrepidCat · 31/08/2024 10:33

It sounds like you didn’t make it clear what your expectation and he didn’t agree to it, so you are BU to expect him to adhere to it when he didn’t know.

I don’t see the issue in a one off time to socialise with friends. It needs to work both ways though.

NuffSaidSam · 31/08/2024 10:35

65zoolane · 31/08/2024 10:29

No I never get any time to myself due to the bathroom situation mentioned. If DH needs to look after DCs it’s prolonging my time without functioning bathrooms! He had said he would get up early and drive back.

He had said he would get up early and drive back.

This is the key piece of information.

Of course YANBU to be annoyed because he hasn't done what he said he would.

Kitkatfiend31 · 31/08/2024 10:40

YANBU to be annoyed as clearly the bathroom situation is making life hard. However it can be tricky if someone has put you up for the night to just rush off and not be sociable. When he gets back ho out for a walk and coffee and buy yourself a treat. Looking after yourself is important.

SwingTheMonkey · 31/08/2024 13:50

Why do men need to be told by their wives how to be decent partners?

You’ve had a good night away, you get up in the morning and head straight back to relieve your partner from duty - it’s what a decent person would do.

Cm19841 · 31/08/2024 13:59

Agree with @NuffSaidSam

He said he would be up early and come home. With all you have going on at home this is understandably the agreement. He didn't keep the agreement and it sounds like he phoned up and told you he wasn't coming back rather than talked about it or negotiated. Yeah, YANBU.

Is this weekend a big deal for him? A special event of some kind? Or is this just a catch up with mates/adult kids?

username44416 · 31/08/2024 14:03

65zoolane · 31/08/2024 10:29

No I never get any time to myself due to the bathroom situation mentioned. If DH needs to look after DCs it’s prolonging my time without functioning bathrooms! He had said he would get up early and drive back.

Surely you can take a couple of hours OP. Leave him with the children and meet friends or family. Everyone needs a break.

pikkumyy77 · 31/08/2024 14:06

Jesus of course you are not being unreasonable. He has created a job for himself (the bathrooms) that he can choose to do or not as he pleases. The cost is to you. And he has left you with the relentless task of childcare which can not be back burnered. He has created a situation in which if you ask for his help with his own children you are costing yourself his time doing the construction work. And he chooses when and how long to skyve off for respite.

Parker231 · 31/08/2024 14:08

65zoolane · 31/08/2024 10:29

No I never get any time to myself due to the bathroom situation mentioned. If DH needs to look after DCs it’s prolonging my time without functioning bathrooms! He had said he would get up early and drive back.

Arrange for a plumber to complete the bathroom work and organise a day out for yourself.

HeliotropePJs · 31/08/2024 14:09

I very much doubt he's spending every spare waking moment working on the DIY project. If you need him to take over while you take a break, do it.

YANBU to be annoyed that he has changed his plans without discussion.

MintyNew · 31/08/2024 14:10

SwingTheMonkey · 31/08/2024 13:50

Why do men need to be told by their wives how to be decent partners?

You’ve had a good night away, you get up in the morning and head straight back to relieve your partner from duty - it’s what a decent person would do.

Exactly, with a 3mo he shouldn't even be taking these all nighters too!

TerrorAustralis · 31/08/2024 14:11

Why TF did he rip out both bathrooms at the same time? (misses point of thread)

LittleOwl153 · 31/08/2024 14:12

Yeah I'd be missed off too.

A 4 month old makes it tricky, but I'd be trying to make sure you can hand them both over the instant he walks in, and walk out ... even if its only for an hour to a coffee shop or something. Just get some space for you. (It will also prevent you going at him as soon as he comes in - hopefully maintaining the upper hand)

Tonight when the kids are in bed I'd be sitting him down and talking about the bathrooms. If he is insistent on completing these himself I'd be clear that there needs to be a fully functioning bathroom by the end of next weekend. Unless you are moving walls or something crazy 4 days is enough to get a bathroom functioning. It might not be fully tilled and perfectly finished - but functioning would be my expectation. If he objects to this then I'd be looking for someone to do it. I wouldn't complain about this morning - I'd just expect that he prioritises his time usefully now.

CluelessAboutBiology · 31/08/2024 14:36

nwsw · 31/08/2024 10:27

I guess it depends on whether you knew what the plan was and if he's now changing that. Do you get this type of time yourself?

I think we can guess the answer to this!

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 31/08/2024 14:39

If there had been zero discussion, I'd still think that it's not unreasonabel for you to be a bit annoyed seeing as you're literally b eing left holding the baby with no help AND the added issue of delayed time to get the bathrooms sorted. But you DID have the discussion - he said he'd get up early and drive back. I'd be livid.

DH did this a few times when the DC were small - or at least, he did the "night out, stay over at a friend" thing. He was always back at a perfectly decent hour, fully prepared to leap back into parenting duties.

Hydenseek78 · 31/08/2024 19:34

Dh is taking the piss, he's being a disrepectful ah, he knew the plan, he told you the plan and now he's gone back on his word and not communicated it with you and literally left you holding the baby. I would have told him he has 95 mins to get his ass home (5 to say gdbye and 90 to drive home) or he can stay where he is for the forseeable. He's taking you for a mug, who in their right mind demos 2 bathrooms at the same time...a moron thats who. I have no idea why women put up with this treatment! Why on earth is the bar set so low for woman when it comes to men?