NC and apols for long post. PLEASE read and advise me, I’m desperate!
Feels like My whole world has just fallen apart.
Been with DH 30 years, married for 22yr, we have 4 DC age 20, 18, 16 and 15.
I’ve just found out that DH has been having an emotional affair with OW at work for probably the last 4 -5 years and finding out has totally floored me. I had no idea, although now looking back all the signs were very much there. So for up to a quarter of our long marriage, he’s been “connected” to HER and not me. How could I have not known.
I can’t sleep, I’m running on adrenaline and having constant palpitations. The only thing I was ever 100% sure about in my life, was that my husband would always be faithful and that he was not capable of having an affair. 😳 Not in a million years did I believe he would ever do this.
DH is well liked, well respected, funny witty and charming and good at his job. There’s a lot of after work socialising which never bothered me because I 100% trusted him 😡
3 years ago his watsapp shows him / her “turning on disappearing messages” then turning it off again, over a couple of days and then left switched off. He says she was just showing him how it could be done as she’s a Wizz with tech and he so isn’t but loves learning new functions. This would have been around the same time that he switched off the watsapp notification banners from his phone.
From the few messages and call logs that he forgot to delete, I can see that whenever she messaged him, he would respond within minutes. I’ve gone thru my messages over 4 years, most of my messages went unanswered. He attends a lot of big sporting events thru work, she’s always there, in fact she’s arranged many of them. I’ve seen a few pics of them together at dinner or an event in a group (all male except HER). She’s always sat next to DH with a big ridiculous grin on her face, him clearly enjoying himself, I want to vomit.
We have a family app that shares all our locations, I often check it and screenshot it as our DD is ND, I don’t trust her when she’s out, she talks to all people and gets herself into difficult and risky situations (it’s a full time job trying to keep her safe.)
DP hadn’t told me he was going out on particular evening a few months ago (we weren’t talking at the time so I just assumed he was being his usual arsey disrespectful self in not telling me he had an event and would be late home). I took a few screenshots of his location that evening, which changed from a pub to a fancy hotel later in the evening (She lives some distance from work so sometimes stays in town when there’s an event)
Turns out he went back to her hotel room for over an hour at the end of the night (he denied this initially saying he only went to the bar in her hotel to have another drink with her, I’ve visited the hotel, it’s huge, the bar is at the far end of the hotel, his location at every check I made, was at the complete opposite end of the hotel where it shows the rooms are. He denies anything went on and he’d just gone up to look at the fancy room. He can’t remember what they talked about, they get on well, the conversation just flows and they enjoy each others company. He’d been drinking all evening, he can’t remember the details, assumes they had a cup of tea and a chat (He’d been with her at work since 9am that morning but still felt the need to stay in her company for over an hour more at 11pm.) He made 3 short calls to her upon arriving at the hotel that night, he can’t remember why but assumes that it was to arrange to meet her in the hotel, as they probably left the pub (5 mins away) separately so nobody from work would be suspicious. (If they are at that stage then I’m very sure that everyone at work will already suspect/know about the affair.) I feel physically sick and I am struggling to get past this without more information which he won’t give me.
He swore on the children’s lives that nothing physical went on. I am inclined to believe him as he struggles with ED and I don’t think he would have wanted to risk putting himself in a vulnerable position where he’d have no guarantee that he could “perform adequately” for her. I now 100% believe that if he didn’t struggle with ED, then the affair would have become physical also.
The same night DH received a message from HER daughter asking if “he’s with mum, cos she’s not picking up”. HER daughter also works for the company. There’s a few messages over the years from daughter asking about mums locations and asking DH to get her mum to call her. The cosiness of it all makes me feel sick. OW is married, her husband isn’t the father of the daughter.
There was a screenshot on his phone of a different hotel / different event / different day, he thinks it was probably the directions to “walk her back safely to her hotel” on that occasion but “can’t remember.”
Our relationship over the last 4 years has not been good. I’ve accused him so many times of being “emotionally abusive.” He’s been totally detached, returning from work either ignoring me completely or if I dared to speak to him he would shout at me or hurl insults. If I wanted to give him updates on the children, he’d shout asking why I was telling him that NOW, as “he’s just walked thru the door / just going to the gym / just eaten his dinner/ just going to bed.” Basically there was never a good time to talk to him, he had been getting his “fix” from HER throughout the day and had nothing left for me, she has been meeting all his emotional needs and sharing all the small talk, which should have been shared with me, his wife.
All he ever wanted to do when he was at home, was sit glued to the TV or his phone.
He’s had a few weekends abroad with his friends (I don’t doubt this as I know the friends). On his return he would barely say Hi to me as he walked thru the door, he would never share the details of his weekend away, he simply did not want to communicate with me. I’ve since seen in messages, he and HER would discuss his weekend away.
I took DD away for 5 days, he never called me once to chat or see how we were getting on.
I went away with my friends for a few days, he worked from home, he called her at 7:35am, he must have been waking up thinking of her. He spent 40 minutes on a call to her later that day. He couldn’t even spend 2 minutes talking to me when I returned home.
As things got worse between us over the 4 yrs, I always had hope that one day he’d calm down, stop being so distant, rude and aggressive towards me and the children. I even contacted his GP and asked him to consider changing his BP meds as they were causing mood changes and making him angry all the time ! As he was getting emotionally closer to her he was putting more distance between us to ease his guilt no doubt.
After admitting the emotional affair, He now recognises he “lost focus” and is really trying his best to be a better husband. We’re talking so much more, there’s hugs and we’ve had sex again. He wants to book more holidays, he’s told me to make enquiries about the loft extension I’ve wanted for 10 years and he wants us to renew our wedding vows. He is making a HUGE effort, I’d genuinly forgotten how good we could be together. Unfortunately the big light inside of me has switched off, yes I’m very much enjoying him showing me all the respect, interest and care that I’ve so craved and needed this last 4 years, but I’m struggling to get past all the lies and deceit and every time he shows me respect I’m totally conflicted, it reminds me of the hell I’ve been thru the last 4 years and what I have missed out on due to his selfish infidelity. He continued to lie about the details and extent of their “very good connection” even after I found out. It was only after me putting together the few messages he hadn’t deleted, his location screen shots and checking it all back to my personal diary that he eventually admitted and became truthful about some of their “togethers”. There must be millions of others that I don’t know about because the information is now all deleted.
He’s now refusing to answer anymore questions, says he’s told me everything he can and he can’t / won’t be telling me anymore, it’s too stressful for him. (He told me very little other than answer direct questions I asked about the content of a few messages I had actually seen.) He will show me by his actions from here on in, that he’s sorry and wants to be a better husband. I definitely see him making a big effort to show me he loves me and he’s sorry.
He keeps telling me how much he loves me and is desperate for me to say it back to him. I can’t as I no longer know what love is. I thought I loved him even during the 4 years that he treated me so appallingly and desperately tried to pin his changed behaviour / distance and aggression towards me on the BP meds. How bloody naive and trusting was I.
I am an incredibly strong and resilient woman but I don’t think that I can move on without knowing the details, I cannot process it unless I know exactly what I am processing and the depth of their relationship / deceit.
I’m awake in the middles of the night with all these scenarios and questions bashing my skull. I can’t think of anything else. I really feel I’m heading for a breakdown. I flit from thinking I need to speak to her, to I need to tell her husband, but really what I need, is for him to tell me, and be honest about all the “details”, it will no doubt be extremely painful for me (him too), but I’d like to think that once I know details, I can process them and in time hopefully think about them less, maybe come to terms with it and move on.
AIBU to insist on the details. Pressuring him for more may well tip him over the edge.
Without them, I don’t think we have a marriage if he can’t be honest with me after what he’s put me thru.
Thank you if you’ve read this far. I’m desperate for advice.