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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my mother for this

21 replies

Questionqueen · 31/08/2024 09:19

So I moved back to my parents due to leaving a DA/DV relationship where I was bullied every day and put down constantly so granted I am a bit out of sorts with my emotions and take anything to heart and burst out crying at the littlest thing.
I have 2 children o am taking care of on my own 4 and 1. I am all systems go constantly. In the morning my priority is to make kids food get fed THEN clean up. My mum has OCD and cleans up tutting and huffing making it clear she does not want us there. She actually shouted my dad in this morning from another room and said "don't you agree (my name) needs looking after still as she doesn't clean up after herself (I do just after my kids have been fed!!)" I said why on earth would you even do that to me? Belittling me infront of my kids and started my dad off moaning at what she's just said. I obviously burst out crying and took to heart which my mum then said I shouldn't have. Well I do think she was out of order but am I just being touchy? I try to keep everything as clean as o can right away but in my world feeding kids is the priority first and then cleaning up. Am I being unreasonable though in their home.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2024 09:23

I think there might be a really obvious reason that you ended up with an abusive relationship if this is what your childhood looked like.

What's the plan for your own place? Because it can't come quickly enough.

Original poster

Questionqueen · 31/08/2024 09:24

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2024 09:23

I think there might be a really obvious reason that you ended up with an abusive relationship if this is what your childhood looked like.

What's the plan for your own place? Because it can't come quickly enough.

Well yes I see this more clearly too now I'm older and look into it more and more. No support no positivity just put down.
I am waiting for the council to home me but I'm band 2 and so it could be years

OP posts:

Fimbledore · 31/08/2024 09:26

YANBU.
Is there any way you can all move out?
It's clearly a strain on everyone your being there.
Well done for escaping domestic abuse. Nothing will be as bad as that again.
Do you have a friend you can offload to?
Can you change your routine to fit in with your mum's OCD while you're there? Of course it's hurtful not feeling she supports and understands you, at a time when you really need to feel supported and valued. But it doesnt sound as though she is capable of providing that for you. It might help to reframe it as her anxiety making her criticise you, as she can't cope with not being in control of her environment.
Does your father make you feel welcomed and loved? 💐

Mrsttcno1 · 31/08/2024 09:26

I’m sorry OP, this sounds like an awful situation. I think this is the problem with living with parents/someone else again, they have a way of doing things in their home, you have a way of doing things in your home, so when in their home it becomes difficult. Is there anywhere else you could stay?

FatmanandKnobbin · 31/08/2024 09:27

Well done for getting out, you've done an amazing and brave thing 💐

This is one of those situations where nobody is really unreasonable.

You're doing, what you feel, is the right thing for your kids.

Your mum is suffering from a mental health condition and now thos new situation in her home.

If I were you I would change my routine while staying there for your mum's comfort. Maybe start your day 10 mins earlier so you can tidy up.

SummerSplashing · 31/08/2024 09:35

Questionqueen · 31/08/2024 09:24

Show quote history

@Questionqueen

as Mrs TP said, it's not surprising you ended up in an abusive relationship. I'm glad you're looking into that.

you cannot live there for years, you just can't.

vould your DD lend (give?) you a deposit to rent somewhere and be your guarantor??

could you afford the rent? Have you checked out UC if you were renting?

is the kids Dad paying CMS?

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2024 09:41

As @SummerSplashing says, check out every possible way to get income, get housing. Put yourself on every HA list, call them and ask, ask them how to improve your chances.

All the very best.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/08/2024 09:42

Also it is a nuclear option but if you can no longer live at your parents, if they state that to the council, then you will be moved up a band and homed almost immediately as classed as homeless with 2 kids. Right now you are band 2 as you are “adequately housed”.

Tel12 · 31/08/2024 09:46

Go back to the HAs and let them know you are still in a dire predicament and it's affecting your MH. Plus the impact it's having on your children. Clear up as you go along, apologise and keep the peace. For now. Eyes on the prize.

Noseybookworm · 31/08/2024 09:50

It's your mum's house and it's obviously a big adjustment having you and two very young children there - I would make an effort to clean up as you go if you can. If this is going to be your living situation for the foreseeable future, there has to be some compromise and effort on both sides. Ask your mum to tell you how you can make this easier on all of you. Tell her you really appreciate her support in giving you somewhere to live and that you want to do what you can to make it work for all of you. Try to have a conversation when things are calm rather than tears and tantrums when you're in the middle of breakfast!

Rory17384949 · 31/08/2024 10:23

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2024 09:23

I think there might be a really obvious reason that you ended up with an abusive relationship if this is what your childhood looked like.

What's the plan for your own place? Because it can't come quickly enough.

This

I think you need to get out of your parents house OP, how realistic is that for you?

Maddy70 · 31/08/2024 10:39

It is a difficult situation but your mum's house. Her rules I'm afraid. Can't you put dishes in the dishwasher as you go? Wipe as you go etc.

Its hard when people have different routines. It must be difficult for her too having you and a child move in

You both need to compromise

Have a conversation with her

Original poster

Questionqueen · 31/08/2024 10:40

Thanks guys.

I can see I have my defences up and as I say out of sorts with thoughts and feelings but got some good advice on here. It is her house her rules and I will need to just try put some more effort in for now. Thank you so your advice everyone. I will
Also talk to council x

OP posts:

IntrepidCat · 31/08/2024 10:44

I would also talk to Shelter and Gingerbread for some advice.

You do need to move as soon as possible. Whilst your priority is to feed and then tidy up, your mother has a mental illness so could you try to tidy up as you go?

user1474315215 · 31/08/2024 10:46

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. However, I can sort of see your Mum's point, even if she shouldn't have been so harsh about it. My DH is not a good cook, but on the rare occasions he makes himself beans on toast he'll leave the butter out, leave the sticky can of beans and the crumbs on the worktop and leave the buttery knife in the sink while he enjoys his meal. He's very happy to clean up afterwards, but it drives me mad. It honestly takes no more time to put things away as you go than to leave it all to the end.

AgileGreenSeal · 31/08/2024 10:47

I can see this from both “sides”.

I’m sure your mum is upset about what’s happened to you (the DA/DV). On top of that she has OCD. Her mind and her emotions will be all over the place. And can come out as irritability.

Given all that, what she said was hurtful. Especially because you are recovering from emotional abuse where you were bullied and put down daily. It has touched a very raw nerve. You have done extremely well just to get yourself and your children away from that abusive person and into a ‘safe’ environment and then you feel attacked by your mum! It’s going to hurt.

Could you try to ‘clean as you go’ even a little to try to meet her halfway and show her you respect her home and understand her feelings?

Hopefully you will soon have your own new home and you can do things your way there and have a happy relationship with your mum too. Can you go to the council and apply for housing?

AgileGreenSeal · 31/08/2024 10:54

Sorry, just saw that you had already applied for housing. It needs to be made urgent, as this strain on your mental health & your mum’s mental health can’t go on indefinitely. Best wishes xx

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 26/10/2024 02:19

Mrsttcno1 · 31/08/2024 09:42

This ^^

If you turn up at your Council Offices with your children and as much as you can manage, eg a teddy bear each for the children, changes of clean clothes for them, and several pairs of clean knickers/nappies for both the children and you, and about 7 pounds in coins in your purse - if you even have that much - then I think I am correct in saying that they have to find you somewhere to stay until they can find you a long term home. So that might be just somewhere like a B&B, but if that would be preferable to you staying at your mum's - as it would place you much higher up on the waiting list as well - then that really might be the best option for all of you. I am wishing you the best of luck @Questionqueen.

Edingril · 26/10/2024 02:22

So they have had to go from 2 to 5 and 2 young children

Yes it is not sustainable

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 26/10/2024 02:24

Sorry, I have just noticed that this is halfway to being a zombie post! I hope that everything has now been sorted out satisfactorily for you @Questionqueen?

rosesaredeadvioletsaretoo · 26/10/2024 02:32

Until you can move out, the easiest thing to do would surely be just to slightly shift the way you do things and clean as you go?

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