How to handle this guy at work

[Gutty]

I am at my wit's end about my colleague. We are both Heads of department and must cooperate on projects together. Both are middle-aged, married and have kids - for context . The workplace is mad, but we have been good, supportive colleagues and have helped each other a great deal over the years. We are both stressed at work but confide in each other and help resolve issues when possible. Lately, he’s been acting off in person. He would blank me and go for coffee with a male colleague but never ask me. He has then started avoid me in the office but will call frequently when WFH, and then he’s my BFF… I don’t get it. We work in a male-dominated environment, and I am on good and friendly terms with other men there. Do I ask him or leave it be? Why is he acting this odd?

Ask him. You've had a good working relationship for years so just see what's going on.

You have no choice but to ask him!

Is it possible someone commented on your friendship as possibly more? And he's backed off a little. Of course there isn't anything , but you know how offices can talk

Unfortunately, that has crossed my mind. It's ridiculous. No one would comment on two men being on good terms.

I don’t know how to word it. I know him well enough that this would make it even worse.

Its the only thing I can think of.

Could you gey him to the side and just say " I wanted to ask you this but I noticed you are very quiet with me at work but the opposite outside, is everything ok

I spoke to my DH about it, and he thinks the work friend can’t handle stress at work. And to ignore him. But our place of work is so mad; you need close allies to survive!

John, I always thought we had a good professional relationship and I've noticed recently that you aren't as friendly. Is there any reason for this?

Friend, I’m worried about you as you don’t seem to be your usual self in the office. I know how it can get around here so Is there anything I can do to help?

This.

I will mention it subtly, but he brings over a colleague in the office when we are discussing a project, now. Odd, but OK. It’s hard to speak too privately in our office as there are more people around these days, and going into an office to talk privately would stand out. I will try when he calls again, but he’s all chirpy and friendly on the call, so it’s odd to bring it up—it's just an irritating situation. I didn’t want to bring it up for these reasons and have started to ignore him, but he calls a lot, and he’s helpful and very good support, so the whole situation is just weird.

It sounds like either another male colleague has commented on how close you seem or is he married and somehow ( common friend / colleague at your place of work/ partner of another of your colleagues is a friend ) his DP has got to find out how close you seem at work and said something ? - the classic 2 + 2 = 27 moment ! Only way to find out is to ask him

He's afraid to be seen alone with you. But he's happy to talk when no one can see that it's you he's talking to.

Someone has said something to him about his relationship with you. I would take your cues from him and cool things down.

If it was me I’d ask him if he’s ok as he hasn’t seemed himself lately and go from there.

He's backing off for what ever reason; wife, colleagues whatever. I don't think I'd ask him why though! It may cause him to retreat further.

Thank you. Unfortunately, we are both Heads of department and have to work together. He’s the one calling me when WFH to talk work/personal stuff - constantly interjecting with “between you and me”, “you are the only one who knows what she’s doing here”, and “I only trust you with this important client”. The other day, his wife walked in when we talked, and he told her: “I am on the phone to “my name”. I spoke to my DH about it, and he thinks I should limit my interactions with him as he’s acting weird. And I am. The only issue is that we are working in a very high-pressure environment, with so many batshit - backstabbing colleagues- that having a “normal” person’s support is essential. He was that - but he’s equally going a bit weird. I am applying for other jobs, by the way, and hope to leave this place as soon as possible.