Friend doesn't tell me anything

[Watdidusay]

I have a friend in my group who used to work in my company. She moved into a different industry and now doesn't really talk about what she does and I don't really understand it.

She has a lot of family problems constantly involving police etc so I try not to ask and she doesn't mention it. However guarantee if someone asks someone is in a mental hospital again and it's depressing and I think heavily exaggerated.

I end up just talking about myself all the time and she just asks about me and that's how our friendship has been the last few years. I guess I'm starting to doubt if this is still a real friendship. I feel like surely she should have something pleasant or relatable to contribute to the conversation? Maybe it's just we've outgrown each other.

Op I'm sorry I really don't get your issue. Your friend tells you nothing. You dont ask, but you often happen to be near by when someone else is asking her about her life and shes happy to spill. You end up having to talk about you(you poor lamb) and she too is happy to speak about you!! Is this a test thread ?🤣

You don't ask her about her job, you don't ask her about her family, you just talk about yourself all the time.

And you're posting on here to see if she's the problem?

Is there nothing else you can talk about apart from you? Does she have interests or hobbies? Is there nothing in the news? Are you sure she doesn't want to talk about her family or work? Have you tried asking? If she changes the subject, then obviously move on but the situation is unusual OP. Most people don't want to listen to a monologue.

You don't ask her anything and just talk about yourself, despite knowing she has several issues.

I would say you're the problem in this one op.

I think heavily exaggerated

I feel this may need a little more explanation

are you saying she thinks her family are heavily exaggerating a need to be hospitalised for their mental health?

or are you saying you think she is heavily exaggerating the trauma her family is experiencing?

I don't know her family so neither. I just feel the stories veer a bit into Jeremy Kyle.

I just feel the stories veer a bit into Jeremy Kyle

but you aren’t asking about those and she isn’t mentioning them directly to you

I feel like surely she should have something pleasant or relatable to contribute to the conversation

she might be asking about you to make it ‘relatable’

and avoids talking to you about the trauma bc she understands that you want something ‘pleasant’

or indeed bc it is painful already for her and she would prefer her life not to be judged as ‘veering towards Jeremy Kyle’

but you are not happy with those efforts?

and seem to be unhappy that she does talk about the trauma, just not to you

what would you prefer her to be doing?

bc it really isn’t clear

You just don't like her?

Maybe she doesn't want to talk about her complicated life any more so asks about you instead?

You sound like a great friend.

Basically, you don't show any interest in her and talk about yourself all the time
Perhaps she doesn't want you to be friends!

You sound like the bad friend in your scenario.
You just talk about yourself and don’t believe her serious issues when she obviously rarely speaks about them.
You aren’t her friend.

She is probably completely overwhelmed and doesn't want to talk about her life and her friendships are an escape from her own difficulties.

Indeed. And she’s now started a thread about her.

It sounds like she has it really hard
Maybe she doesn't have the confidence to talk about herself much, especially if her life is completely enmeshed in a dysfunctional family. Maybe she feels she has lost her identity a bit. A good friend would be able to bring her out of herself a bit more.

The only thing you can relate her life to is Jeremy Kyle. Is it any wonder she doesn’t confide in you.

Some families are chaotic particularly where severe mental health concerns exist with police involvement and sectioning. She may not want/ or be able to talk about work. She may want to forget about both and just escape them.

There is no reason you can't ask about children, pets, if she's been to the cinema / theatre to see anything good, same with books and TV shows or been to a gig.

Why is it you are friends? Just the fact that you were once colleagues or do you have any other sort of shared interest.

I end up just talking about myself all the time and she just asks about me and that's how our friendship has been the last few years. I guess I'm starting to doubt if this is still a real friendship. I feel like surely she should have something pleasant or relatable to contribute to the conversation? Maybe it's just we've outgrown each other.

I relate to your friend and see someone who used to be my closest friend in you.

I've had a tough few years, through no choice of my own - family members having awful things happen and needing me to look after them, redundancy x 2, finding out my (male) ex partner was in a gay relationship whilst we were TTC, infertility while everyone was pregnant and then diagnosis with a life limiting heart condition. It felt like every time I tried...I got knocked back or something got stolen from me. It has been an unbelievable few years but I've done my best and couldn't help what happened.

I didn't want to burden friends and I was embarassed to be honest. Some were lovely, encouraged me to be honest and supported a little with a bit of healthy distance. My policy ended up being not to share unless asked and read the room - is this an appropriate space to share that I lost my job this week or had a bad test result?
But most, kind friends would ask, even briefly and when they asked I'd be honest and then quickly move on. I tried to be sensitive to them and not overshare though.

My "best" friend - different kettle of fish. She could have wrote the paragraph above.

Rarely asks.

Only talks about about herself. At length. There's no room for me. Even to share where things have got better. It's like she just wants me to smile and nod and be a great listener and thats my only role. There's no space for me to be me and conversation is now awkward and centers only on her. I've felt I've had to go along with it as that's obviously her communication style.

I feel she doesn't know me anymore. There's a huge gap between us. I backed away and she got upset and asked why. I gently tried to explain she never really shows much interest in me or asks about me. She said "I do really care about you, love you and think of you because I know you've had it hard. But if I ask and you tell me what's happening, all I can say is I'm sorry to hear that and I don't know what else to say, hence me stopping asking."

It's not improved so now we're stuck in a cycle of her monologues, me nodding, smiling and asking her all the questions. Not feeling I can say anything about my own life because, despite her assurances, it feels like she genuinely doesn't give a shit and I'm scared of burdening her. I've pulled back and see her less but the whole situation is just a sad, sorry situation and now we are in this pattern I can't see how we'll ever get out of it.

Your friend probably thinks you don't know her either. Maybe you both just can't be the friend the other needs right now?

We used to work in the same company and later different company but same industry but she has changed industry now.

So you don't share any interests at all? Not taste in food, films, clothes, books, theatre, craft? there's nothing at all you could talk to her about and have a flowing conversation other than her family and work?

Reverse?

No, it isn’t a real friendship as you obviously don’t care about her and her life.