To wonder what is wrong with me?

[greycrocs]

I married my first boyfriend when I was 21 and had an absolutely atrocious marriage. My ex cheated on multiple occasions with the last time being when I was pregnant and I found out when he left me for her about two weeks before I gave birth to our youngest.

The divorce was very messy. He was vile to me and my mental health suffered massively. It has taken me years to recover, not helped by the fact that he barely sees DC who are 14, 13 and 6.

Ex-DH and OW didn’t last and during the last few years he has remained single to my knowledge - or at least not in any kind of serious relationship and nobody has been introduced to the children.

But this last year he has started a relationship and all of a sudden is seeing the kids regularly and as a result I am having to interact with him more and I’m hearing all about his life (sometimes through DD1 and DS) and it makes me cry.

I’m so upset that he gets to move on but because he declined to parent for so long, I don’t have the time to breathe let alone do anything for myself.

I don’t want him, but I do want fo be able to have a life outside of parenthood I am so jealous that he does all these lovely activites with new girlfriend and my kids whilst he treated me appallingly for years.

What is so wrong with me that he couldn’t love me?

What is RIGHT with you that you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and respect?! You don't have to time now.. but your time will come. It's hard with little children but in a few years you will have more time and you will be able to meet someone new

I really feel for you and can see how hard it is now that he’s in the kids lives. Can I suggest that you tell them that you are ok with them seeing their dad but you don’t want to hear about him? And try to enjoy having some time to yourself now xx

The things is, and yes I’m aware how awful a mother this makes me, I’m not ok with them seeing him.

He really hasn’t bothered for 6 years.
DS has a chronic illness that is a nightmare to manage and I’ve had that, plus two other kids to manage compeltely alone.

I lost my job because of the time I had to have off to care for the children and attend DS’s multiple appointments. He waltzes back, takes them for dinner once a fortnight and is suddenly God.

I’m so angry at the way my life has gone. Angry at ex-dh and even more angry at myself for staying with him in the first place and for not being able to move on.

Don't worry, he's not God to your kids. At best he's equivalent to a briefly interesting uncle who's just come back from living abroad with some fresh anecdotes. He'll never feel "like home" to them.

The novelty will wear off and they'll realise he's unreliable, bad tempered and doesn't really care about them. As soon as something is up, like your 6yo is upset about something, his mask will slip and they'll realise for themselves. It'll always be you they want when they have real things going on they want support with.

Am I projecting wildly? Yes. But is it accurate though?

I know logically you are right.

I’m just so low at the moment.

I’ve had 6 years of feeling crap. It isn’t getting easier for me. I feel so helpless and worthless.

Life is supposed to be enjoyed. I am merely existing.