I'm feeling very very overwhelmed.
Context first, I have 2 children from my first marriage, both boys, they are 14 and 16.
My husband has 3 children, twins boy/girl from his first marriage who are 21 and a 16 year old from his second marriage.
We have been together for 8 years, lived together for 6 and generally had no issues.
We are an international family, my husband is French, raised in France to one French and one British parent. I have German parents but grew up a 3rd culture kid, mainly in the UK though.
His children add a new layer of complication, his first wife is Russian, when they split she took the children to Russia, raised them there (he got them in the the summer etc.
His second marriage was to French woman but they lived in the UK.
For as along as we have lived together all but his daughter have mostly lived with us. His eldest son boarded but stayed with us on weekends etc. His daughter went to a boarding school in Switzerland separate from her brother and always went back to her mum for holidays. So really we don't know her that well. The older two both had 2 gap years so although they are 21 they are only going into their 2nd year of uni. In the gap years they lived all over (family in France, travel, Russia etc.) So really for the last 3 years it's just been my 2 boys and DHs youngest who are all very close.
Both his older children are at uni in London where we live, last year they stayed in halls but this year it was decided they'd move back here. This is the first time his daughter has stayed with us for more than 2/3 weeks so it's an adjustment. Luckily we have enough rooms for everyone to have a room each and as his daughter took the downstairs room which was a guest room/office she also has her own bathroom.
They moved in at the start of August and it's been horrendous!!!
Issue 1 is his daughter refuses to speak English, claiming she can't. DH and all his children speak French, his twins also speak Russian and we all speak English. She will only speak Russian and French. She is perfectly fluent in English (well enough to be at an English uni!), although it is her "3rd" language. This means it's impossible for me or my children to have a conversation with her (we speak English and little German but no French or Russian!). It creates an atmosphere and I think it's rude!
Issue 2 all of a sudden the boys argue a lot, over stupid things like who's watching what on the TV, or who was meant to put the dishwasher on, again creates an atmosphere.
Issue 3, stepdaughters room was a guest room before so hasn't been decorated in a while, it has wallpaper which is far from modern but other than that we got a new bed and gave money etc. to sort everything else, she complains to her dad about it all the time.
And the big one money. We give all our 3 under 18s £30 a week, this is for seeing friends etc. we get clothes and shoes, all the food. We don't give the older 2 anything, we give them a home and buy gifts/food. Step son has gotten a job to have spending money but stepdaughter just goes crying to her mum and step dad who basically give her thousands a month. It's creating resentment. He thinks we should make it up to him as his mum and stepdad won't!
The other big issue is just with the older 2 and partners. They are both single and have on several occasions brought one night stands back. With stepdaughter this isn't confirmed as her bedroom is off a small back hall with a side door and its own bathroom so much easier to sneak people in and out but we know step son has and he claims she has too.
Anyway, I can't do this for 2+ years! It's awful and toxic. Stepdaughter has gone to New York for a week and even just the peace of her not nagging about the room and never wanting to speak English has eased it up!
But the boys still bicker, money still comes up etc.
AIBU to go to DH and say the older 2 need to leave and I don't care how we make it happen, maybe we have to pay for halls or a flat again but I don't care it's so rude and tense all the time.
Or is this just being a step mum?