Child getting grief from my 'friend's' daughter

[Billyandharry]

My dd has just been dumped after a year by gf. All very sad and horrid but kind of to be expected mid teens. V sad but doing my best to keep her busy.
Annoyingly they are part of the same friend group but hoping the dust will settle and they can all be ok (my dd and her ex are both mature/generally nice kids)
Problem is one kid in their group has been shit stirring vis social media.
Made a hard situation so much worse just for fun.
The kid is my friend's daughter - I've texted and told her to ask her dd to butt out as she's creating so much unwanted drama.
Friend won't answer my call and says she's 'staying out of it'.
I'm sooo angry with her. Aibu to expect another adult esp a mate to get her dd to lay off.?
Does noone give their kid a bollocking anymore in middle class circles?
I'm soo angry and bewildered by this. Aibu? Be nice it's been a bloody awful week.

@LemonMead thanks for a reply that makes me feel like I'm not completely mad! Xx

What’s the stiring though op?

friend is better off without silly ops daughter or ops daughter what a “slur for women”

one’s silly teenager backing up their friend though a split ones being a twat.

My experience too. It is understandable; as an articulate and rather self-regarding group (I include myself) it is easy to want to wade in and advocate for our young people when it’s better for them if we hold back.

Now it’s “bullying”, which it wasn’t in the OP. To start with it was just stirring up drama - which is very, very different. Bullying is prolonged and targeted, and not just drama.

I think social situations can be horrible for teens, especially teen girls. Helping them develop the tools to handle those is a better approach than getting other people’s parents involved.

Yes, I feel sorry for you that parents don't get involved with obvious bullying online. I have got involved in the past, not online, but with bullying and I would do again to protect my child. Bullying is bullying! I feel your frustration.

I would be so ashamed if one of my kids was an online bully and there would definitely be repercussions. My answer to you would have been thanks for letting me know and I will deal with it .

Jeez some of the responses on here leave me wanting to cry. I get why my child is upstairs crying. The world has turned into such a harsh place. Over and out.
Just wanted support - not an emotional battering.
If adults are this bad online wtf are kids like?
Thanks for any support. Bye

I think if you want helpful answers you need to share more information.

It's two very different kettle of fish between sending the ex messages including your daughter about other people she might fancy, to calling her homophobic or misogynistic names.

Your daughter should ultimately come off SM if it's upsetting her - a break would do all of us good I dare say. Block the stirrer and the ex. They can communicate at school.

Having said that while I don't get involved in spats between my own kids other than to tell them to pack it in, I would absolutely be telling them to think about their actions and whether they want to be known as the bully that was deliberately upsetting someone.

Personally I can't understand the problem with speaking to your friend about her daughter's behaviour. She's a friend not some random parent you don't know.
If anything any of my friends would have no issue telling their son/daughter to knock it in the head. And vice versa.

I'm sorry you had a battering op. I haven't read much of it but I can imagine. The majority of threads lately have been full of people sticking the boot in.
You are completely right to ask your friend to have a word with her daughter. No wonder kids are either entitled little shits or anxious and depressed. How did we get to this? I hope your dd is okay.

All the mum needs to do is to have a quiet word; she doesn’t need to go in guns blazing but she is the responsible adult in their household. Your approach is how bullies get away without repercussions. If you don’t teach children to be kind and encourage empathy they don’t just learn it all on their own. Social Media (as do work emails, etc) allow children to say that they wouldn’t say to someone’s face. It should be stopped before someone is hurt physically or metaphorically. If you can’t see this then the human race is doomed.

If I had found out my children had been getting involved in someone's else's business and stirring shit online, I'd be having some words with them!

This is how bullies get away with stuff. It might not be bullying now, but it's obviously negatively impacting someone else's life and not on.

I am SO far removed from being a helicopter parent that I'm practically the opposite, but this is something I would be down on my children like a tonne of bricks on. I don't tolerate bullying of any level at any age.

Absolutely!

Don't give up Op. I would absolutely be advocating my child and be doing everything I could to get to the bottom of the bullying!

I know PPs have said this already, but I think it depends very much on what exactly Friend's Daughter is doing. You say she's stirring "just for fun"; would she agree? Or is it possible she's taking the Ex's side and blaming your DD for the breakup/for hurting Ex? In that case, FD may have already ranted to her mother about what DD has "done" to Ex, and your friend is sick of hearing it, hence the "staying out". (I don't think you're wrong to bring it up to her, but I'd probably focus more on how you're worried that DD is being badly hurt rather than that FD is intentionally trying to hurt her for no reason).

If it's something like that, it may have to run its course. FD is likely convinced that she's right and DD "deserves" to be punished. Your friend may have a look at what's going on and decide if she needs to speak with her daughter, but she may not tell you she's done so. The best way this gets resolved is if the Ex speaks up, if she's willing, and says it's no one's fault and she doesn't want DD blamed or excluded. (Keep in mind too that given their ages, FD may never have been in a relationship herself and really doesn't understand that some things are private and the friend group isn't and shouldn't be privy to them.)

I would say, just for example: if DD is included in a group message about an outing, and FD pipes up and says DD can't come because Ex is already going, then that's hurtful to DD but FD isn't trying to hurt her but rather to protect Ex (possibly completely unnecessarily, or unfairly). The girls need to work this out among themselves. If FD is following DD around social media and posting nasty comments on all of her posts even if they have nothing to do with the relationship or breakup, that's closer to bullying. It's relentless, and attacks DD as person for any reason the bully can think of, not her (perceived) actions related to Ex. As above, if the posts are homophobic or otherwise attack DD for innate qualities rather than for her actions, that would likely qualify as bullying and an adult should intervene.

Is this something serious enough that you'd consider going to the school about it? The school should have a published anti-bullying policy. This might be helpful if you're not sure.

Would you or your DD be able to report the posts as they happen to the platform that they're happening on perhaps?

If there are repeated reports, maybe they'll do something.

Also, I'd consider blocking the friend's daughter on every platform imaginable.

This too shall pass

I'm not sure where people think you are asking the kids mother to take sides. I thought you were asking her to speak to her child who is clearly bullying yours, to step back. If I was that parent, I would want that call. You aren't in the wrong here

I don’t think you’ve had a battering, OP, but I’m sorry if you’re feeling got at. I think posters (like me) are trying to be practical, but not aggressive in any way.

I’ve been through teenage years with three children, one of whom was bullied and another very much was picked on and excluded when a new girl joined the group. I learnt to set the bar for interference higher as getting involved backfired more often than it helped.

I also learnt to separate Bullying and ‘being nasty’ or making life unpleasant. One means get the school involved, the other is “help to navigate”.

When dating within a friendship group, the fallout is always awful as people take sides and previous social alliances fracture. Learning to navigate this with some grace is a very useful skill but it involves a lot of missteps and upset on the way.

If telling your friend you expect her to get her daughter to “butt out” works for you, great.
IME it just sets adults against each other and they hold grudges about hurt or criticised children LONG after the kids have patched things up.
It’s also very , erm, blunt language which also can backfire.

Very different to speaking to a friend and asking her to have a quiet word as some posters have said.

Stirring isn’t bullying unless it crosses thresholds like @OfficerChurlish specifies. It’s a term bandied about pretty freely. I don’t think that is helpful in the long run.

I hope your DD finds a nicer gang of people to spend time with or that things settle down in her current friendship group as school restarts.

Honestly, get your daughter to "report" the posts on the platform for bullying, and then support her to take some time off social media.

I understand your frustration about other parent not parenting, but all teenage girls have had to navigate these types of situations - albeit, it used to be chinese whispers behind you back rather than written on the internet. Often completely ignoring it, and the next high school drama will soon take over. The more she lets them know it's bothering her, the worse it will probably be. However, if her and her ex can possibly bring themselves to be around each other and be mature and not outwardly present as too emotionally wrought etc in front of these nasty influences once school goes back, they will quickly be boring to the other girls was there will be no drama there to write about. They will both have to be on the same page about this for it to work, and they may have to use their very best acting skills and then fall apart away from school.

I think i would hope that my friend would have a chat with their child, but I can’t expect or control it as every parent, parents in their own way.

if there is anything that you deem worrying for your child’s wellbeing, then I’d just go straight to the school and watch very carefully.

sorry if you’ve already clarified, but does ‘dumped by gf’ mean that there was a romantic relationship, or was it a platonic friendship. If it’s the former, then it’s your daughters first heartbreak and then there’s a way to support her through that, but it’s it’s a platonic friendship, then I suppose a lot of reinforcement around people growing and changing and having choice over who they spend time with…

good luck to and with, your daughter.