To think she shouldn't be giving a 12 year old alcohol free beer?

[Sleepbabysh]

My DSS is 12 and lives with us but likes to go and stay overnight at his granny's, MIL, sometimes too. Recently MIL told me that when DSS comes round she gives him an alcohol free beer. So as not to drip feed, DH comes from a family of heavy drinkers and he himself is a recovering alcoholic. MIL obviously knows this. I just think there's absolutely no need or point in giving a 12 year old alcohol free beer. It tastes like piss so it's not even like he is actually going to enjoy the taste of it (DSS says he does but I think he just says that to seem more grown up). Im worried that it's just grooming DSS to become another heavy drinker like them.
I haven't had a chance to speak to DH about it yet because we've both been working different shifts but I'm going to this weekend because I don't think it's right and I think he should speak to his mum about it. I want to check with others than Im not being unreasonable about feeling this way first though (I barely drink so have quite a different attitude to alcohol).

YABU: It's alcohol free and harmless, just let him enjoy it at his granny's
YANBU: it's setting him up to drink and want to drink alcohol at a young age which could lead to a dangerous attitude towards drinking

Agree, completely unnecessary! My husband likes them as he’s trying to cut back but likes the taste. I don’t think most 12 year olds do like the taste and it does seem like grooming him to move on to the proper stuff sooner rather than later. I’m sure your husband as a recovering alcoholic will think this is a dreadful idea! Not much different to giving a kid a vape in my view.

I wouldn't be happy at all, especially given the background. Kids don't usually like the taste of beer but obviously will pretend to to seem grown up. Why get them used to it early?

We have alcoholism in my family and I would be so pissed off if they did this to my son.

But but but French kids (the dahlings) drink wine as toddlers and they’re superior to all British kids

I would be raging also, if she gave him a sip once to taste it fine but absolutely no reason for him to be drinking it. It is grooming at that age, it will give him a taste for beer an alcohol over time, what a stupid idea from Mil.

I'm generally pretty relaxed about drinking and grew up in a world where we drunk shandy at a fairly young age. However, given the context I wouldn't be that happy and I can't imagine your DH would be either. If he's going to be around a lot of drinkers he's likely to have a fair bit of pressure to drink later on but he shouldn't have to be negotiating that already.

The thing about beer is it's an acquired taste and you have to get over that, so non alcoholic beer is just doing that work for you.

Let DH sort it out though

I agree OP, it's stupid and unnecessary and like she's grooming him into being an alcoholic.

My friend proudly shows her son drinking 0% corona on her social media. He’s 8

I agree, completely unnecessary. BUT I do think there is something to be said for instilling the notion that alcohol free substitutes are an option - that you can still be involved socially without the need to drink alcohol/get drunk. I suppose if a child was in an environment where they are exposed to regular heavy drinking/alcoholism that could lead to early uptake of drinking this might not be the worst thing. But no, 12 is too young imo, particularly if driven by the adult and the child has shown no interest themselves, it's completely unnecessary.

I have no history of alcohol addiction but one of my aunts does. Initially she stopped coming to family parties then as her confidence in sobriety increased she joined. We do however give the children shloer in plastic wine glasses or alcohol free drinks at family parties. To be honest, I’m not sure who started this seemingly family tradition! Most likely one of my cousins who didn’t like the idea or my Granny giving us a shandy at New Year 😂 us on the other hand, we loved it as children and made us feel ‘grown up’

In your situation when there is an increased chance I wouldn’t be too comfortable with it. Have you spoke to your son? I know my 13 year old likes it as like me when younger it makes her feel grown up in comparison to the younger children and more ‘seen’ as mature. It could just be that for your son too. I would be wary that if you start to decline him from going or saying you don’t agree, you could cause a rift between you and your son. Your son does enjoy this and now he’s accustomed to it, it will be a hard habit to break and chances are the blame will lie at your feet and he will gravitate closer to his Gran.

For what it’s worth, for all the shandy’s and sneakily drinking what adults had left over I am not a huge drinker nor are most of my family. I will have a couple of jack daniels once or twice a year and it is simply that, a couple. No binge drinking etc ☺️

It’s not something I’d get worked up about, it’s likely better than most artificial laden of preservatives, caffeine and sweetener fizzy pop, each other own tho.

I started to buy DD the occasional alcohol free ciders from around that age but we are not a family of drinkers, occasional bottle of fruit cider at a BBq or something at Christmas and more often than not that's alcohol free too. DD has never seen any family members drunk or even tipsy.

In my view it's about getting her to like that so she won't bother with the stronger stuff, the bottle looks the same etc so peers wouldn't know. If out for a meal I'll order alcohol free to model it's the norm.

But DSS situation sounds quite different.

One aspect not covered so far is: how will MiL react to your opinion? She’s the child’s grandmother. You don’t have a blood relation to the child. Are you involved enough in parenting that others in the family are likely to react well to you criticising their decisions?

You can instil the notion that you can socialise without alcohol with a lime and soda. It doesn’t have the be an alcohol free version of an alcoholic drink, does it.

I hadn't thought of it this way.

I've not spoken to him. He's not my son, he's my stepson. We have a good relationship and I can discuss most things with him but because it's his biological family and what they do, I don't want to say anything that might make him feel like I'm judging them or talking negatively about them. I feel like it would be better coming from my DH for all the reasons you've mentioned. I'm very sure that DH will agree with me.

yes leave it to him

I'm definitely involved enough in parenting, DSS lives with us full time and DH does shift work which means that I am caring for him myself very often. I'm not his biological parent but I'm definitely a parent to him. I think she possibly wouldn't like the thought that something she is doing isn't in his best interests though. She's a very maternal grandmother, the epitome of a granny that likes to treat and wait on her grandchildren. I don't think she would think or realise the harm in what she's doing but they have a very different attitude to alcohol to me so I don't know if explaining it would help them to see or if they will just think it's just because I don't drink. I definitely think it is best coming from DH. He can explain it in relation to his own past as well and why it's not good for DSS.

This

Licensing law agrees with you OP.. it is illegal for under 18’s to buy alcohol free beer etc as it is seen to encourage drinking behaviour and the products are subject to the same think 25 scheme as the real thing. (Take from that what you will!)

Absolutely not, I'm not condoning it.

YANBU, even non-alcoholic beer has alcohol in it (0.5%, so hardly anything, but still). Seems like a weird habit to get into.