Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My boyfriend wrote a love letter to his ex

46 replies

mancity1234 · 29/08/2024 21:35

We’ve been together for more than a year and we are living together. Recently I saw a postcard he wrote to his ex girlfriend, but did not send yet. He was saying that he misses her and that he was sitting in their favorite cafe and wished she was there with him.

I confronted him about it and he came up with some lame excuses and refused to admit that what he did is bad and is a betrayal. I’m very loyal and caring and I ask for the same in relationship. He is trying to pretend I’m overreacting and it makes me doubt my sanity a bit, but I do feel very hurt and betrayed. I feel like I’m in a relationship with a cheater.

Oh, and half a year ago he sent her an expensive birthday gift. It has not been delivered and was returned, so I saw it. He said he’s sorry and that was a mistake.

OP posts:

ChilledMama85 · 30/08/2024 00:46

yep, leave him NOW

Read what you wrote as if your friend posted it...

Sunsetbeachhouse · 30/08/2024 09:17

Hi op. Sorry to hear you're going thru this. I think there are two issues here. The first is that he's being deeply offensive towards you by reaching out to his ex and the 2nd issue is he is then further adding to the poor behaviour by trying to make you think this behaviour is ok. Both actions are not OK. You don't deserve a man like this. OK he's hung up on his ex but to be abusive to you in the process is in itself a reason to end the relationship. We can't tell you what to of course but I hope you realise at least your worth is more then this and this guy is disgusting!!

middleagedandinarage · 30/08/2024 09:21

I don't think he has cheated on you or betrayed you as such OP but he is clearly still in love with his ex. Honestly I would say your relationship is over

Wishimaywishimight · 30/08/2024 09:37

OP, your gut is screaming out at you here. You know what he is saying is bullshit. Regardless of whether or not he cheated, regardless of whether or not he sent the letter, he clearly has feelings for this woman.

If he did send the letter and if she responded saying she felt the same, do you think he would hesitate for even a second to go to her?

People in happy relationships do not compose love letters to their ex.

Take hold of your dignity and leave this man. Please don't waste any more time on this half arsed relationship.

You want to be your partner's 'one and only', you want to be their absolute first choice so that no-one else even comes close. Can you say your partner feels this way about you?

Tagyoureit · 30/08/2024 09:38

If she snaps her fingers, he will go back.

Don't be second best, expect better.

HeChokedOnAChorizo · 30/08/2024 09:39

You are second best OP and if you stay it will destroy you.

My ex had an EA, told her he loved her, wanted to be with her etc. i forgave him and it nearly destroyed me. My self worth, self esteem and sanity were trashed, i kept looking for signs he was still contacting her, comparing myself to her, always wondering if i was his back up plan, if he was just with me because life was easy, my peace of mind vanished and i was a ball of anxiety.

I ended it 3 years later, as far as i know he didnt contact her but i just couldnt live like that anymore. I really wish i had dumped him at the time and saved myself 3 years of misery.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2024 09:39

He said he’s sorry and that was a mistake.

It's not a mistake. He thought about it, considered it and did it. No mistake, just action.

Imanontoday · 30/08/2024 09:40

Yikes op. He’s still in love with his ex and a liar to boot. Poor you. You know what to do, end it.

KreedKafer · 30/08/2024 09:40

OP, nobody sends their ex expensive birthday presents or writes them love letters ‘just to be nice’. He is absolutely obsessed with his ex and (given that the gift he sent her was returned as undelivered) it sounds like he’s harassing her as well.

Have some dignity and leave him.

Dolliesdisasterousdayout · 30/08/2024 09:43

He’s in love with her and he thinks that you are stupid. How many times do you want him to show you?

2chocolateoranges · 30/08/2024 09:44

Don’t let anyone ever make you feel second best.

know your worth, find someone who knows it too.

Lavender14 · 30/08/2024 09:50

Are you living together op?

I agree with everything said above. I think regardless of his 'explanation' he should be man enough to respect you rather than pandering to an ex. Ultimately I think your gut instinct is correct though, he's clearly not over her - maybe he did break up with her but regrets it or likes to look back at their relationship with rose tinted glasses. Either way, while it's not cheating it does mean that he's not fully invested in the relationship he's in with you. It means he's comparing you to an ideal of her which you'll never be able to live up to - not because you aren't good enough but just because his fantasy of her is not real. The lying and the gaslighting is unacceptable. The fact you described your relationship as 'manageable' when you've only been together just over a year is a massive red flag. You should still be enjoying time together and be all loved up. It's really not meant to be this hard.

NeedToChangeName · 30/08/2024 10:05

I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't think he was the luckiest man alive to be with me

Don't be second best

He's told you that you're not his priority. Listen to that

SacreBlue · 30/08/2024 10:18

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2024 09:39

He said he’s sorry and that was a mistake.

It's not a mistake. He thought about it, considered it and did it. No mistake, just action.

Fully agree with this.

No matter how much we might want the words to be true, it’s the reality of the actions that is the truth.

Devon23 · 03/09/2024 15:21

No if's buts or maybes your no ones doormat laugh in his face and kick him to kerb!

Worriedmummy2400 · 03/09/2024 15:23

He wants her, you are the settle for. Call his bluff and ask her.

Worriedmummy2400 · 03/09/2024 15:24

Then dump his ass.

amigafan2003 · 03/09/2024 17:19

"I feel like I’m in a relationship with a cheater."

You are.

Sera1989 · 03/09/2024 17:42

So sorry sweetheart, everyone is telling you what you don't want to hear but you do believe deep down. He's a horrible idiot, you deserve someone who would never do anything that could be misunderstood, might make you feel second best or put your relationship in jeopardy. But you will only find him by tossing this tosser

kittiecat16 · 03/09/2024 18:15

You’ve only been together a year and already you’re describing your relationship as manageable? It shouldn’t be that hard that early on. Then add in everything else and honestly I’d cut your losses and move on. He’s clearly still pining for this ex and it will only lead to heartbreak for you in the long run cause you’ll always wonder if you’re the second best option for him. You should never be anyone’s second best option, you deserve more than that

pomers · 03/09/2024 18:47

You know his explanation makes no sense. Leave now and do not allow him to gaslight you in this way

Flip

1 2