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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP should have stayed at home with me and DD?

32 replies

MissingMyHeels · 17/04/2008 21:33

DD (4.5 weeks) and I have a horrid tummy bug - lots of vomiting and tears from both. Went to GP and if DD hasn't eaten and kept it down by tomorrow then she will be admitted to hospital and put on drip.

Once a month DP runs a club night (tonight) and DJs it until 4am. He does this with a business partner/fellow DJ. Whilst it is difficult him not being there it's not impossible but he has gone anyway despite my pleas for him to stay. AIBU?

OP posts:
bellabelly · 17/04/2008 21:35

No of course you are not!

cheesesarnie · 17/04/2008 21:36

no yanbu!poor you!its pants being ill with a baby to look after,or looking after a poorly baby-you have both and the threat that she may have to be admitted!if he could of got out of it he should have tried.hope your both better soon.

Divastrop · 17/04/2008 21:38

no,YANBU.what did he say?did he make you promise to phone him if he was needed?or did he just go without saying anything?

Greensleeves · 17/04/2008 21:40

he's a twat. I would be really upset if dh did this.

Are you still vomiting, both of you? Can you put a girly film on, grab a duvet and doze together on the sofa?

Poor you

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 17/04/2008 21:43

He made me feel totally unreasonable - he knows we'll be fine and it'd mean I could deal with it better if it happens again and that he had to go because his partner did the whole thing last month (because DD had just been born and was in SCBU)- was his justification. He is over an hour away and staying in our London flat we still have overnight(am in Surrey).

I am so angry and upset with him.

OP posts:
buttercreamfrosting · 17/04/2008 21:44

4.5 weeks?? Our 3.5 ds has just come out of hospital after having been on a drip because of this bug so I know how you must be feeling. Sorry but neither dh nor I would have left him if it was avoidable. (I should also point out that I WASN'T sick too AND we have two other children.)

YANBU. At all.

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 17/04/2008 21:46

We're in bed (nearer the toilet!) listening to soppy songs on Magic and dozing - we're both still vomiting when we eat/drink anything and I have a temperature - my tears were practically sizzling on my cheeks!

I know I can/will deal with it just feel I shouldn't have to.

OP posts:
foxythesnowfox · 17/04/2008 21:49

you poor thing.

Yes, he should have stayed.

Hope you are OK

Islamum · 17/04/2008 21:50

((hugs)) Hope you feel better in the morning. YANBU

cheesesarnie · 17/04/2008 21:52

ofcourse you shouldnt have too

singyswife · 17/04/2008 21:54

Oh poor you. I would be really really mad with my dh if he did this. Is this your first baby, not that it makes it any easier or harder but you are still at the fragile stage after the birth. He should have stayed at least to pass you the tissues while you cried at how unfair life was and why did it have to happen to you (have done that) hope you are both better soon and dd doesnt have to go into hospital. .

SheWillBeLoved · 17/04/2008 21:55

YANBU - i'd go bloody nuts if that was my DP. It's times like these you're supposed to pull together. Fair enough it's only 1 night a month, but if his partner managed fine last time, then surely he could have again tonight as it's not an every night or even weekly thing. Stick a post-it on the fridge with "priorities; meaning;- not fucking off when we are both poorly, you twunt" in nice big letters.

I'd also go for what Greensleeves suggested, film, duvet and sofa snuggles. Feel better

paddington99 · 17/04/2008 21:56

Poor you. I'm horrified you've been left on your own. Do you have any family or close friends you can get to help you?

You need TLC.

Greensleeves · 17/04/2008 21:57

your dp needs to grow up and realise that he has a child now. Idiot. If he was mine he would come home to find the locks changed and his shit on the pavement in binbags.

But then, I am a nasty vengeful person

bossykate · 17/04/2008 21:59

YANBU. what an arse! nip this in the bud, sweetie, or else it will just get worse and worse. good luck.

SheWillBeLoved · 17/04/2008 22:01

Bloody hell Green bin bags?!

It's no fun watching them pick everything up one by one from the wet grass an soggy flowerbeds if you do them the courtesy of baggin it!

HonoriaGlossop · 17/04/2008 22:01

But I'm not clear from that post Greensleeves, do you think what he did was ok, or not?

Of course he shouldn't have left you feeling this way with an ill newborn to care for, who you're still not sure won't end up in hospital! Outrageous.

Divastrop · 17/04/2008 22:05

if greensleves is nasty then so am i as i would do exactly the same thing.he needs to realise he cant go f**king off like he did when you had no children.

my xp buggered off back to work when dd1 was in hospital with bronchiolitis(aged 2 weeks),as they 'needed him'.(i was satying with my mum at the time and he was going back to where we lived,350 miles away).

Janni · 17/04/2008 22:11

Are you an amazingly capable woman? Does he feel like you will be fine without him?

Or does he REALLY not care?

I'd be concerned that you pleaded for him to stay and he didn't.

Perhaps when this episode is over you can have a serious talk with him about what you will/will not accept in the future.

I hope you feel better soon.

lucyellensmum · 17/04/2008 22:15

HE should be thoroughly ashamed of himself - selfish fuckwit

Hope you feel better soon, you poor love - i know i shouldnt do this, but i hope he bloody well gets it after you guys and you can leave him to fester in his sopping man flu bed for you.

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 17/04/2008 22:16

singys - yes she is my first and has only been out of hospital for a few weeks as was poorly with some bowel related stuff when born

He just called to see how we are and I really lost my temper as he kept talking to other people whilst on the phone to me

Said it was his responsibilty to be there - I said it was his responsibilty to be here, ranted a little and then he started crying saying he wants to be here

Not sure if genuine or manipulative.

OP posts:
singyswife · 17/04/2008 22:18

Hi again. Does he normally turn on the waterworks??? Things like this always seem 10 times worse when it is your first but as it is your first he SHOULD have stayed. As long as you let him know how damn angry and upset you are and then give him absolutely zero sympathy when he gets it then he should learn for the future. Hope you both get better soon. xxxx

Original poster
MissingMyHeels · 17/04/2008 22:19

Janni - I will be, I need to explain to him when I am calm, less emotional and well I think. He manages to convince me I'm being an unreasonable clingy nag when that is really not me.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 17/04/2008 22:22

your DH is being an arse, he is probably realising this though - good, i hope he feels like shit!! Could well be head in sand syndrome though, is he usually so selfish? I know this seems harsh but i guess the whole daddy role might not have sunk in yet??

Text him, say that you really do want him to come home if he possibly can. If he can't you will have to accept it and then go to bed. It wont pay you to stew on this, you need to keep your strength up for DD.

Tomorrow you can make it absolutely clear that you will not tolerate this sort of selfishness in future and that you are that he thought it OK to swan off when DD was so poorly and that you were battling too. I remember when i came out of hospital following a gallbladder op, all of us went down with a demon D+V bug, DD1+2, my DP and my mum who was also trying to help as i wasnt to lift anything post op (difficult with a 12 week old bairn!) It was hell on earth, so you have my total sympathy.

2shoes · 17/04/2008 22:23

yanbu he is