AIBU in feeling this way regarding my sexuality

[Jourl]

I just feel so disappointed and angry with myself that I hid and lied to my family about my sexuality but AIBU in being like this now, now that I'm happily married with children with a wonderful life?

When I was in my teens, I had a girlfriend, we kept it secret but she wanted it to be open. I was unsure how my family would respond to it and I was already struggling with the bullying at school (often gay related). At a party we were caught making out and it got back to my mum via my sister. I remember my mum, over dinner, calling me out for this and said I was selfish and shouldn't be such a slut in liking girls and boys, I need to choose one and stick to it and realistically I should be focusing on boys as that's what will be easier for me if I know what's good for me.

There was such anger from her and such disgust from my sister and step dad that I ended my relationship with my girlfriend.

That side of the family often said homophobic remarks and generally I didn't feel safe to come out of the closet to them.

Later on, as years went by and through uni, I dated other women but this was always short lived as I couldn't shake off my mums comments and I couldn't ever bring home anyone when it started to get serious.

I ended up meeting my, now, husband and we went on to have children and have a beautiful life together. But why are all these feelings coming up now?

I wonder if it is partly the effect of always hearing Good Luck Babe by Chappell Roan and how it sinks into me that I was never honest about who I am.

I've also recently gone no contact with my mum and her side of the family and wonder if that's making me revisit it all.

Just to make it clear, I'm not wanting to leave my husband and get a girlfriend and so I'm confused as to why I'm so upset and angry at myself.

Horrible reaction by your family, so totally understandable that you reacted the way you did. I think it is always hard if there are important parts of you that you keep hidden. Is there anyone close to you now, who knows about this part of your life story?

It's shite that you were unable to be open about your sexuality when younger. Homophobia from family put you in an untenable position.

Do not blame yourself. It's not your fault.

Can I ask how old you are @Jourl ? It's not uncommon for women to experience a new or returning attraction to women in the years after having children / heading towards menopause. Comp het, negative social pressures, biological urge to reproduce and form a family all contribute to varying degrees to why we might form committed relationships with men and not fully embrace our same sex attraction.

As we get older our priorities shift, relationships with parents and family change, we see society has become a little more tolerant...we start to reflect on how our lives could have been very different if we'd been 'braver' a few decades ago. You are not alone!

Be kind to yourself. You can't change your past but you can make sure your kids grow up knowing it's ok to love whoever they want to.

Their abuse and disgust is making you feel guilty. It embedded itself in you and became part of you

Perhaps finding someone to talk it through with will help?

You don't need to feel guilty. You weren't hiding part of yourself to deny it, you dated women, you hid it as a defence mechanism

@TasteOfHerCherryChapstick I'm 30.

Thank you everyone, you're being kind about this. They were abusive, still are, hence the no contact with them now.

I hadnt considered it's because I've internalised their comments that's making me feel this way.

I just don't know what to do with all these feelings and thoughts!

Husband is great, I've spoken to him how I feel, he is very supportive in listening to me.

Things that get buried will usually make their way to the surface eventually. You felt forced to bury your sexuality and now those feelings are wanting to be dealt with.

I think that some counselling would do you the world of good. Your rational self knows that there’s nothing wrong or disgusting or shameful or anything else your family claimed about same sex attraction. But brains are funny things and there’s a big difference between our rational adult selves understanding something, and the confused and bullied teenager inside us really believing it.

I wonder if your mother felt she had to make the same choice, hence her vehemence.

Perhaps some remorse that you were not able to live a fully authentic life? Perhaps feeling you missed out on experiences you should have been able to have, and now that you’re in a committed relationship, any possibility of further exploring this side of you has sailed? It can be confusing and upsetting to process this aspect of your identity, especially as you are in a happy relationship with no wish to cheat or open the relationship. Perhaps you feel a loss of agency, as some of the choices you made were due to being made to feel shame if you acted otherwise.

You weren't dishonest though. You chose not to share information with people that would hurt you for it, but you didn't lie to them.

I'm bi, but I never feel the need to tell everyone about it. Hell I was part of a rather eye opening thread on here the other day where I found out that a lot of women would be annoyed if someone didn't reveal that to them very early in dating. I've had entire relationships where it's never come up, because we didn't discuss ex's.

But being private about who your dating isn't lying or being dishonest.

My Mum mentioned to me once how lovely it was that my brother married his first girlfriend. I burst out laughing, he'd had at least 5 prior ones he'd just never bothered to mention to her.

There is sadly a lot of prejudice against bisexual people.

You're upset and angry at yourself for letting yourself be controlled by other people for so long IMO. Now you've gone NC with your parents it's hitting home just what a negative impact they had on you for so many years. You've cut out the people you had to pretend around and are upset and resentful that you had to pretend around them - and then had to cut out the people who should have loved you unconditionally.

It's a lot to process, be gentle with yourself.

Not telling your mum about every single person you've dated and not telling someone you're in a relationship that you're bisexual are two very different things. Omitting to tell someone you're bisexual in a relationship is dishonest and it's not a foundation I would want to build a relationship on.

The OP wasn't able to be honest about who she was with her family and felt she had to hide her same sex relationships. That's not the same as not bothering to mention them. She wanted to be able to be honest about who she was.

I don't even feel like I can be honest about it now, I don't feel like I'm able to. During Pride month we celebrated it at work but I didn't join the LGBT+ lunch as I didn't feel like I was allowed to.

I understand OP.
When the shame in ingrained in you at an early age (by your family), it never leaves. And you never feel totally comfortable being your true self to the rest of the world. Its an awful position to be in.

I think what doesn't help is the rabbit hole Ive fallen down on social media, the bi-phobia is absolutely shocking and so much of it (even from the LGBT+ communities) mimics what my mum would say about bisexuality

OP, I too am a bisexual woman who is (very happily) married to a man and I'm also not 'out' to family. They know I 'experimented' a little when I was younger but that's about it. Like your family, they made some ignorant comments and so at the time I felt I couldn't really be my true self and pushed a lot of my feelings/attraction to women to one side. Since having kids and getting older (I'm mid 30s now) I have realized how important it is to be my true self. I think these feelings started to come out more due to multiple reasons - one being that it is so empowering seeing how much more accepting people are these days and also, because I began to think about how I would feel if one of my kids were gay/bi etc when they are older and had almost a lightbulb moment that I couldn't fully support them in the way I wanted if I was too afraid to be honest about my own sexuality.

I came out to my closest friends a couple of years ago - though still haven't to family as I just feel it's none of their business and won't change anything, since I am happily married to a man. I don't need their approval.

My husband has always known and is very supportive (he too is bi, so that's a big help!)

I've only very recently felt comfortable enough to participate in LGBT+ events as a 'member' not an 'ally' and it has been very liberating. If you haven't ever gone to pride events, LGBT bars or other social events, I would encourage you to go, so that you can speak to like minded people and experience that feeling of being free to be your authentic self. I've met some amazing new friends this way and you'd be surprised how many other LGBT+ people have had similar experiences and how much they will understand you.

Thank you @Spacemoon , I've been to Pride events with my family and have had the best time but again, I was presenting as an ally. Used to go to gay bars all the time with my college friends, many of them were gay, had a great group of friends back then but mum knew nothing about them and we all drifted apart when we went off to uni.

I'm the same. I understand.

Being a part of an lgb (or just B) community can be really useful in helping you feel 'seen'.

A lot of straight people will tell you that as you are married to a man that it doesn't matter / you shouldn't tell anyone that you are bisexual. It may not need to be a huge announcement but why should you skip over your past relationships with women when talking about your life and why isn't your appreciation of women just as valid as their swooning over <insert male celeb>?? We haven't achieved equality until we can talk about our past boyfriends and/or girlfriends in exactly the same way without it causing a commotion!

I have never wanted to be 'seen'. I am Bi a late developing Bi. I have not come out in a grand declaration. I do not join in Pride because the performative Gays and Drag and being as outrageous as possible is not for me.
Being Bi makes no one better at accountancy or engineering nor does one make better decisions.
With a GF we just live our lives.

I've had similar experiences. I am bisexual. I was brought up in a Catholic family who absolutely would not have tolerated that. Once came out or trued to to my mum. Who literally pretended I hadn't said anything. Just got up and walked off. I was 15. I've never said anything about it to any of them again.
I had a few girlfriends who I always passed off as friends throughout the years. But the secrecy and the sense of shame I had caused them to always be short lived whereas any relationships I had with men tended to last longer. I eventually ended up marrying and having kids with a man who I love and I am happy with him.
But yes I really do feel very sad that I never was able to be openly bisexual. Being married to a man now I often feel like a complete fraud if I ever try to speak about or even claim to be queen for some reason.. even tho I would never feel that way about so.eone else who was in a straight passing relationship. I wouldn't judge them like that yet I judge myself.
I'm so happy things seem to be changing for bisexuals
I've made sure to raise my kids always including gay relationships in any dialogue so that to them it's totally normal and they will never ever feel this level of shame if they ever happen to be in a same sex relationship.
As regards to me I don't think I'll ever feel like I'm actually part of the queen community or able to talk openly about my sexuality. It's just too ingrained. I know logically that the fact I've had sexual relationships with multiple women means I'm not straight. But all the bi phobia from my family is just in my head. I got all that shit.. felt like I was just a sexual deviant 'greedy' 'why would anyone choose to be gay when they could choose to be straight?' 'Attention seeking'
Things I would never think about other people but for some reason this is how I feel about myself as I frequently heard family members talking about lgbt people this way growing up.
I feel your pain. I don't know what the answer is tho. I hope you come to a place where you feel happier about it.

Sorry my spellchecker keeps correcting queer to queen lol!!

How you've described your feelings is exactly how I feel @Synchronisedwitches , it's reassuring just to read someone else is in this same position too.

I don't want to go about declaring I am bisexual loudly or anything, but I would like to be able to openly share my history if I found myself at an appropriate point in conversation where it would be relevant. I often just don't talk about my relationships with women and I never talk about the bullying or harassment I've received for not being straight.