Advise on family business disputes with stubborn parents

[familubiz]

I've been part of the business my parents and grandparents set up for over 10 years.

Basically the problem I face daily is that the way things are done, is pretty much their way or the high way. They're getting older and want to leave the business and blame me, as they say without them - I wouldn't be able to manage the business.

However they're completely reluctant to make any changes to enable me to run the business without them. If I suggest something is done differently, they shoot me down, telling me if it was possible to run the business differently - they would have done it already.

It's set up in such a way that we all have to be present at all times. There is no delegation of tasks really to employees, in any meaningful way that would mean we could run it differently.

When I make suggestions or challenge them, they tell me I'm disrespectful and ungrateful and that the only reason they work there is to support me and my family. However they're not leaving me any breathing space to change things or set things up for them to leave. They're both in their 60s now and have health problems but they insist it has to be this way.

I don't know what the hell to do to change things. It's a really good business which I've put blood sweat and tears into for over 10 years and I don't just want to leave it all.

Any advice from someone who's been in a similar position ? I really don't know where to turn as I'm just completely out of ideas.

Anyone

Find a lawyer who specialises in succession planning. You might as well find out your rights and appropriate procedures.

And perhaps see an independent tax accountant, too.

Have a look and see if anything is out there that you might apply for and get. You might as well feel confident in your abilities.

Decide where your line in the sand is. Is it being allowed to grow and do you have a structure developed on paper to get you going? Or do you need to go somewhere else?

Then talk to them. Be prepared for tantrums. But tell them that you want to still have parents and grandparents (I’m assuming that you do) so you are focused on your relationship and you mixing work and family isn’t working in the current situation.

I wish you all the best.

Wait until they go and retire officialy then make all the changes you want...?

the only reason they work there is to support me and my family

do you think this is true or is it more than they aren't ready to give up work? Some people get addicted to work especially entrepreneurs, they may not be ready to let go.

The alternative explanation is that they don't think YOU are ready to take over, which may or may not be true.

I would try to have a low-pressure conversation where you say you don't want to pressure them into anything and you respect that they've put their life into the business and that they get the final say but that you really need to understand what they are thinking. Are they happy with the status quo or do they want to delegate more but just feel they can't? Is there something different they feel they should be doing? Do they have either a time scale in mind for initiating hand over activities, or a list of expectations that need to be met before that happens? Try to really listen to the answers because ultimately it's their business and they call the shots so, no matter how unreasonable you may think they are being, you can only work within the confines of their rules. View the conversation as a fact finding mission, not a debate with your parents. If you can figure out exactly what they are thinking you can then take some time to decide what to do about it.

It might be really hard but whatever you do don't let the conversation become confrontational because the most important thing is to get them to open up. If they start getting angry and defensive say something like "I really don't want to argue, I just want to make sure I can support you in the way you want because i'm worried that you're working more than you want to and we are family, family is everything, and we ought to have shared goals." (or some nonsense like that that makes it sound like you have their best interests at heart and aren't trying to have a fight!).

I say this because there is sadly a chance they are lying to you and stringing you along without any intention to give you more responsibility for another decade or more. They may even be lying to themselves.

Separately, you should think about what your options are outside of the family business. maybe it makes sense to work for a competitor to learn about an alternative way of doing it then return to your family business. Also, decide how much of your complaint is down to pay vs down to differences in opinion about how to run it. You might find you can accept deferring to your parents for longer if you are fairly compensated. Are they making false promises about salary?

"Is there something different they feel they should be doing?"

That should have said 'Is there something different they feel YOU should be doing?'

Because they believe the business can't be run more effectively, they believe I need to save as much money as I can and invest that money in other things that will sustain me when they retire ( keel over when they're 80 ).

I think they think at the point they can't work any more, it will just be sold.

I believe the business can be run differently and can stick around for many years to come. But because I can't put things in place now, it's hard to test this.

the only reason they work there is to support me and my family

do you think this is true or is it more than they aren't ready to give up work? Some people get addicted to work especially entrepreneurs, they may not be ready to let go

I don't think it's true at all. They work because they like to make money and they want to be able to help out my siblings too in the future.

They're not able to let it go at all. They want to be doing everything themselves, trust no one to do things as well as they can do them. Everyone else is incompetent apparently.