To say enough is enough?

[Mrsttcno1]

To say enough is enough and we just have to take a step back now and let BIL do the work?

BIL is in his 30’s, lives with PIL, and for as long as I’ve known my husband has had a difficult relationship with drugs and alcohol.

It has been especially bad for the last 2 years. He disappears for days on end taking drugs and drinking, has on multiple occasions been brought home by the police, by paramedics, had phone calls from the hospital to say he has been taken there after being found passed out mortal drunk and having taken drugs.

6 months ago after a particularly scary night full of drugs & alcohol, he ended up in hospital and said this had frightened him enough that he wanted to stop for good.

PIL do not have a lot of money and also don’t have much time or effort to give him despite living in the same house. We (husband & I) paid for a residential facility, 28 day stay, as he said he felt this would be the best chance of him getting clean- he stayed there for 5 days and then just walked out, it’s voluntary, nothing we could do to stop him.

He immediately went to his dealer & 3 days later was back in hospital after having been found passed out in a pool of his own vomit. Again, he said this was it, the wake up call, was going to change but didn’t want to go back to residential. We said he could come stay with us for awhile and he wanted to try counselling- again we paid for this- a week later he left our house and just didn’t come back for a week, when we went into the guest room found 4 empty bottles of vodka under the bed as well as empty baggy’s (drugs). I was 8 months pregnant at the time, and this was a total line crossed so we said he could not come back to ours but we would continue to fund counselling. He said he was much better, had a handle on things and refused to continue counselling.

Now 6 months down the line he is back in hospital again every other week basically. PIL are now asking us to help him again, but we just can’t. I feel we’ve honestly tried as much as we can, we’ve paid for residential, paid for counselling, offered our home, tried to be there as much as we can but he only reaches out to us to ask for money, we now have a nearly 5 month old little girl who comes first, I will not have him around her or in our home. PIL are constantly asking us again to do SOMETHING to help him, think we need are being selfish to turn our back on him now “when he needs help more than ever”, but we just feel now that we’ve done everything we can, they think we are being extremely unreasonable here and we are now doubting if we are or not?

Are we being unreasonable? Is there another option anyone can think of?

This is a really difficult situation, so please be kind, we really have tried our best

It sounds like an awful situation, where you have been so understanding and helpful.

However, as hard as it is, perhaps being cruel to be kind might be the way forward here? You’ve tried money, various counselling/rehab options, PIL home, your home. None of these have worked. Perhaps doing nothing might be what he needs as every other time, you have picked up the pieces. An addict will only come clean when they want to.

It is sad that he has no relationship with your child. Does he show interest in them at all? Could this new life be seen as hope for the future - he will want to see them grow up? Could a residential option be looked at again but with the ‘carrot’ of visits weekly with you, his brother and his niece? My whole world changed when I became an auntie and I cannot imagine not being in her life!

Thank you so much for your reply @merriadock . That is basically where our heads are at now, we’ve tried everything we can and as you say, he needs to genuinely want to change. It seems that in the immediate aftermath he does want to change but once the hangover wears off he is straight back to it and is convinced he has it all in hand and doesn’t want any help.

We really hoped our child might be a turning point for him and something to change for. He’s met her once when she was a few days old and hasn’t really seen her since then, we used to take her to PIL house even when he was in the house he would just stays upstairs in his room either drinking or stewing in a hangover, didn’t even walk down the stairs to see her. We don’t take her to their house anymore after he woke up from a drug fuelled night and smashed their house to pieces believing he was in danger, so I don’t want to risk my baby being there if/when that happens again. My husband sends him messages with photos of her etc and he doesn’t reply to any of them- until he wants money, then he’ll reply to days old messages with a “ah so cute, could you send me £x til I get paid”. It is so difficult and I know how upset my husband is over it all, he would do anything for his brother to be a happy, healthy and involved uncle but he truly does not seem to care about having a niece at all sadly. It just feels like this has snowballed out of control but I don’t know what we can do to help if he doesn’t want to help himself! X

You can't help someone who doesn't want to change. My ex husband was a chronic alcoholic who alienated everyone around him, would of sold his kids for his next drink,was offered all the help anyone could give him but refused to accept he had a problem. He died a sudden lonely death aged 49. I would never put myself and my son (who was 9 at the time) through this again. Walk away and don't look back. Big hugs x

Just let your PIL know that much as you understand how concerned they are, you've done everything you can. That they can ask him to leave if it's too much and you wouldn't blame them. Then direct them to Al Anon which is for the friends and family of alcoholics.

Nar Anon or Al anon may help you or PIL deal with this sad man. Personally I wouldn't fund anything again. Tell him narcotics anonymous can help him. He has to decide to change himself and organise it himself. So very sad but you have been kind.

Thank you @Angelchick1971 I think we both know deep down that you are right. It’s very difficult to think that if he continues the way he is he may not be here in a few years time and I know my husband especially feels that he doesn’t want to lose him and wonder if he could have done more to save him, but the I think we are both realising that the reality is you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved x

His dps can put their hands in their pocket if he is such a worthwhile cause... Hell you must have spend thousands you could have used for your own family...

Thank you. I think the hard thing is that actually if we thought there was something we could fund that would work we would find the money, but the problem with all of the options (counselling, residential etc) is that they are all voluntary and totally dependent on him actively engaging and wanting to change. A really sad situation for everyone x

Your PIL are asking you to help him but crucially your actual BIL isn't asking for or seeking help. If he's not committed and actually wanting to change then any 'help' you offer is a waste of time. So no, you've got to protect your own precious family and if it when BIL is genuinely committed to getting clean you can consider it (maybe).

Yes @DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole that’s absolutely our big issue now. BIL hasn’t actually asked himself for any help since he refused to continue counselling months ago, it’s PIL asking, so even more so we think if he didn’t commit to it when he actually asked and wanted to himself, why would he when PIL are asking him to do it.

Sadly I think this has just become his new normal and he also has found a group of friends who do the same thing so it probably doesn’t feel like as much of a problem when he is surrounded by other people doing the same thing.

You can only do so much, I had a colleague whose DS was a drug addict. Ended up with his children removed, his partner was also an addict. She had spent thousands on treatment and various things. They had both been to prison for stealing to fund their habit. He will probably die quite young and there is nothing she can do. Addicts of any description only get clean if they decide they want to.

Sorry op it’s very sad and who knows why he went down that road.

I have a BIL who is like this. He is an alcoholic (a rather violent one too) and has done drugs in the past. How he is still alive after all of that is completely beyond me!

When he lived at PIL's house (MIL always bailed him out, although FIL was less keen to do that) there was no end of trouble and incidents. After PILs had both died we went very low/no contact with him because he was so vile to everyone that we all fell out with him. It was impossible.

We have very few messages from him now. Maybe once or twice a year at most. He will never be allowed to come to stay at our house and I am not sure if I will personally ever see him again. Nobody really knows what he is doing because you can't believe a word he says.

Step back and stick to your guns. You've already tried everything you can and done much more than most. You've spent a lot of money on this and it hasn't worked. Don't throw more good money after bad. Keep it for your family and your new little daughter, who is much more deserving and needful of it.

Tell PILs that there is no more money for BIL and you won't be exposing your precious child to him.

You can't help an addict u less they want to get help the best thing you can do for your sanity is walk away unfortunately and be there for him if and when he really decides to get sober . Sometimes family / friends cutting them off is the rock bottom they need to finally seek help . I'm
In a wiki situation with my mum at the minute she is an alcoholic. Wonderful lovely nicest person you could ever meet but gone completely off the rails with her drinking I'm an only child and just had my 1st baby 11 weeks ago . My mum has been drinking for 3 weeks straight and for the sake of my daughter as much as it kills me and I absolutely love my mum to bits I have to cut her off right now I won't expose my baby to that or my mum showing up to see her when she has decided it suits her to stop drinking for a week or two and then go missing again for a month . I'm hoping tough love will be the kick up the ass she needs to sort herself out but only time will tell but in my nearly 40 years of being around alcoholics I can absolutely say they have to want to stop and stop for themselves it can't be for anyone else or to please anyone else and the more you put up with it the more you enable them

Not your problem at all.
Don't spend a penny on him
His parents can deal with it.

Your PIL are the ones being very unreasonable in trying to palm your BIL on to you. They know he is a hopeless cause and understandably can't cope with him anymore and want you to lighten the load, when they should instead kick him out and leave him to it before he drags everyone down with him.

You have tried your best emotionally and financially and I agree enough is enough. So, I know it will be hard but you all need to understand he is choosing that life and your DH and PIL must harden their heart and leave him to it (out of your PIL's home).

You have your own child now to consider and your resources should be concentrated on her.

Drugs and alcohol are very prevalent in my own family so I really can appreciate everything you've done but equally been put through.
Some people will get clean, most won't.
And those who do will find away without being funded by you or anyone else.
Addiction is a fucker of an illness and I feel awful for your BiL, but you cannot keep bankrolling his path to sobriety when he isn't ready to commit.
Unfortunately, most with addictions, the addicts die because of their addiction and its a cold harsh reality. I actually lost a very close family member recently to heroin, but nothing ever was going to help him. He loved the drug more than anything else and we accepted a very long time ago he'd die because of his addiction. Sadly, he did.
To be honest, sorry if these seems in bad taste to anyone, I'm just being honest of my families experience, he died owing most of us money we can ilafford. (Most of us in my family work NMW jobs or are on unemployment benefits or pensions) so £100 is very little to most posters on MN but to a state pensioner its huge.
And even though people wanted to help him, he was beyond it.
BiL if he wants to be clean needs to do it without financial aid from yourselves this time. You aren't a security blanket for him, he wants to get clean, he'll make it happen. But sadly I don't think he wants to. 💔

Thank you all so much for your replies. I’ll sit down tonight with my husband and just pass on all of these messages. I think we were both hoping there might be some miracle solution that we hadn’t thought of or something we hadn’t tried but you are all absolutely right, he needs to want to change and for as long as he doesn’t we just need to protect our own family unit.

Also agree PIL should/could be doing more, their attitude is very much “this isn’t our fault, we haven’t caused this” and although they say they want him clean, they can’t be bothered to deal with it and don’t want to alter their lives to try and support him (so they still have alcohol in the house, still drink alcohol themselves infront of him). It is especially difficult for my husband as I can see where we could have lost him in a few years time but I agree with what everyone is saying, this is a battle he has to face by himself.

Pil are being unreasonable although I understand why they are asking for your help. You have done more than enough.

The three c’s apply here.
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it.

The fundamental tenets of dealing with addiction in loved ones. You can’t help them - they have to help themselves. And no one gets clean until they want to. If they want to.
Coming to terms with this is very very hard and a form of grief. Be kind to yourselves as you’ve done everything you can. The rest, I’m afraid, is down to him.

Hugs.

I think it would help you and your husband if you went along to some al anon meetings.

This is probably going one way here - your BIL will get in more and more trouble, your PIL will become more and more desperate and lash out at your Dh for not “ doing something ‘ and your husband will be under more pressure and feel more guilty.

that could end up putting stress on your marriage, so you need to be 100% agree and united on how you are going to handle this. Al anon could help you both and it can be such a relief to speak to others who know exactly what you are going through.

please give it a try .

Also agree PIL should/could be doing more, their attitude is very much “this isn’t our fault, we haven’t caused this” and although they say they want him clean, they can’t be bothered to deal with it and don’t want to alter their lives to try and support him (so they still have alcohol in the house, still drink alcohol themselves infront of him). It is especially difficult for my husband as I can see where we could have lost him in a few years time but I agree with what everyone is saying, this is a battle he has to face by himself.

I think PIL have got a damn cheek saying you should do more when they’re not prepared to do anything themselves!

I can’t fathom why they think you should continue to do anything when it’s been thrown back in your faces when they’re not? I’d have to say this to them if they ask again what you’re going to do.

You’ve tried, you need to put your family first now, you can’t sadly help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

I agree with you @Changingplace I think it’s easy for them to pass off the burden by saying they can’t afford to help because they can’t pay for a residential/counselling for him, they don’t appreciate that actually there is a lot they could do to try and help him without spending a penny if they wanted to. It’s easier for them to blame somebody else than it is for them to try themselves, we appreciate this is a really difficult time for them and don’t want to cause any extra upset but it is coming to the point now where we are going to have to pass the burden back and explain they aren’t helping either.