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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not of wished nephew a happy birthday?

27 replies

sweettooth778 · 28/08/2024 13:40

It was my nephews birthday on Monday, he is 15 now.

I didn't text my sister wishing him a happy birthday but now she has been badmouthing me to my parents and is making me feel very bad.

Backstory:
Sister is 10 years older, we have never been close.
She used to verbally, emotionally and physical abuse me for no reason when she was on her 20s.
I have always felt very bullied by her and during the little contact we do have she often makes nasty digs.

Since having my kids (both under 2) I have cut her off and have not allowed her or her son to meet my kids, mainly because I do not want a child abuser near my kids.
Again, she has a massive issue with this and says such awful things about me to my parents.

With my nephews, I don't have a relationship with him.

I have never been invited to any birthday patty, or really conversed with him, I did use to buy birthday and Christmas presents but stopped when I received no thank you.
I am not keen on my kids having a relationship with him as it will mean talking to my sister.

My mum says I should have text him a happy birthday and to make amends.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 28/08/2024 13:41

Just ignore it all.

PrimalOwl10 · 28/08/2024 13:48

You could of sent the kid a happy birthday message your being petty. It's not his fault who his mother is.

AgnesX · 28/08/2024 13:50

If you don't have a relationship with her or her family, and if it doesn't bother you, ignore it.

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 14:01

It's not the 15 year olds fault like.

Original poster
sweettooth778 · 28/08/2024 14:01

There is no relationship, only polite convo when we're at our parents.

OP posts:
Userinneedoftea · 28/08/2024 14:01

I'm in a similar position I've taken the decision to send my dn's birthday and Christmas presents till they're 18 and for the ones who have own phones text them directly. I do this because it's not their fault my sibling is a bully. My only issue has been my dcs reaction, they understand now why I do it but when younger couldn't understand why they never got a gift or message. I also never get a thank you which hurts. I suppose my idea has always been keeping lines of communication open with my dn's without going through my sibling. I think it's personal and sometimes I do think I should just have not started it but I also think that's not my personality and hopefully as adults my dn's will see the bigger picture/understand I tried my best to keep communication open.

Wouldhavebeenproficient · 28/08/2024 14:07

Does she message/send gifts when it's your kids' birthdays?

INeedAnotherName · 28/08/2024 14:11

If you are not in contact with her then why would you send a text? That's weird.

Ask your mother if she knows you aren't in contact at all outside of parents house due to certain things. If she says no then explain you and dsis have insurmountable problems so you don't contact each other, ever. If she says yes, then ask her why she thinks you should ignore her abuse. Put it back on DM to really explain her thinking.

EscapingTheseFeelings · 28/08/2024 14:19

I think it’s better that you didn’t text him.

I think only people who are trouble makers go over parents head and contact young nieces/nephews when they aren’t in contact with the parents. It’s usually to stir up trouble between parent and child.You did the right thing.

NeedToChangeName · 28/08/2024 14:21

EscapingTheseFeelings · 28/08/2024 14:19

I think it’s better that you didn’t text him.

I think only people who are trouble makers go over parents head and contact young nieces/nephews when they aren’t in contact with the parents. It’s usually to stir up trouble between parent and child.You did the right thing.

Or, another way to look at it, it's a pity for the nephew to miss out on relationship because the adults don't get on

EscapingTheseFeelings · 28/08/2024 14:21

EscapingTheseFeelings · 28/08/2024 14:19

I think it’s better that you didn’t text him.

I think only people who are trouble makers go over parents head and contact young nieces/nephews when they aren’t in contact with the parents. It’s usually to stir up trouble between parent and child.You did the right thing.

I’m rereading your post and now realised your sister isn’t happy you never messaged.

She sounds odd.

You can only do what you feel is reasonable. I wouldn’t have contacted the nephew in your shoes either.

EscapingTheseFeelings · 28/08/2024 14:23

NeedToChangeName · 28/08/2024 14:21

Or, another way to look at it, it's a pity for the nephew to miss out on relationship because the adults don't get on

Show quote history

I’m a big believer in if a person is too toxic for an adult to cope with, then they are too toxic for children too.

A child doesn’t miss out on anything by NOT being exposed to family drama.

NeedToChangeName · 28/08/2024 14:25

EscapingTheseFeelings · 28/08/2024 14:23

I’m a big believer in if a person is too toxic for an adult to cope with, then they are too toxic for children too.

A child doesn’t miss out on anything by NOT being exposed to family drama.

Edited
Show quote history

If sibling A is toxic, then perhaps all the more reason for sibling B to stay in contact with A's children, so they have a safe haven? Just playing devil's advocate really. Difficult for strangers on the internet to understand family dynamics

Fraaahnces · 28/08/2024 14:26

I would say “He has never given me any indication that he gives a shit. Why would I bother?”

Spiderwmn · 28/08/2024 14:29

He’s 15 -I doubt he’ll give a monkeys, though I expect there will be a flurry of posts saying how their DS. dB, DN was gutted when great auntie Vi forgot them.

Original poster
sweettooth778 · 28/08/2024 14:37

No she has never wished my kids a happy birthday or sent presents.

I don't have nephews number but she put a WhatsApp status on wishing him a happy birthday and could see that I had seen the status, I don't have nephews number.

Sister is a very loving mother and does a lot for her son, no abuse there and nephew is extremely close to his mum.

I just can't see what good will come out of any communication with her to be honest as dealing with her is just too traumatising.

OP posts:
PolePrince55 · 28/08/2024 14:41

OP
Keep your distance. She has a wee jealousy of you and a well known saying is, never trust your kids with anyone who doesn't like their mum.

Also, if there is no contract, don't worry about the nephew- it's not his fault who gods mum is but if he doesn't see you he won't miss your birthday wishes.

There's been a fall out in my in-laws and my nephew by marriage is 13 tomo.
I'm gutted I can't send him a present but I'll text him.
He was like a son to us. Unless you're in the situation, you can't say what you would do. His parents can be quite toxic, needy, selfish, taker's....

KrisAkabusi · 28/08/2024 14:42

Get his mobile number and deal with him directly. That way you don't have to go through your sister.

SerafinasGoose · 28/08/2024 14:52

sweettooth778 · 28/08/2024 14:37

No she has never wished my kids a happy birthday or sent presents.

I don't have nephews number but she put a WhatsApp status on wishing him a happy birthday and could see that I had seen the status, I don't have nephews number.

Sister is a very loving mother and does a lot for her son, no abuse there and nephew is extremely close to his mum.

I just can't see what good will come out of any communication with her to be honest as dealing with her is just too traumatising.

In view of this update I would drop her from your social media and continue to ignore.

Life's far too short for this petty nonsense.

EscapingTheseFeelings · 28/08/2024 14:54

KrisAkabusi · 28/08/2024 14:42

Get his mobile number and deal with him directly. That way you don't have to go through your sister.

I wouldn’t do this. It’s a fast track for OP to be drawn back into the toxicity.
Also, you would be putting a 15 year old in the centre of family drama. He would become the messenger for OPs sister and it would be very unfair on him. His loyalty will likely be towards his mother.

INeedAnotherName · 28/08/2024 15:04

KrisAkabusi · 28/08/2024 14:42

Get his mobile number and deal with him directly. That way you don't have to go through your sister.

That's creepy behaviour. Why would you want a child's number when you have nothing to do with the adult.

HollyKnight · 28/08/2024 15:56

Presumably you haven't wished him a happy birthday on any of his other 14 birthdays, so why is she making an issue of it this time? Sounds like she just wants to make drama.

LBFseBrom · 28/08/2024 16:15

PrimalOwl10 · 28/08/2024 13:48

You could of sent the kid a happy birthday message your being petty. It's not his fault who his mother is.

:-)

Did you go to the same school as the op?

KrisAkabusi · 28/08/2024 16:28

INeedAnotherName · 28/08/2024 15:04

That's creepy behaviour. Why would you want a child's number when you have nothing to do with the adult.

Show quote history

Because it's her nephew! Nothing creepy about it.

angeldelite · 28/08/2024 16:30

It’s very difficult to maintain contact with a toxic sibling’s child if you’re low contact with the sibling.

As you feel you won’t be able to maintain the relationship with nephew, I can see why you stopped the birthday presents and messages.

I would wish him a happy birthday until he’s 18. No presents.

Then your sister will look like a twat for ignoring your children’s birthdays.