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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My husband won't take time off work or if he does, he cancels or shortens it last minute...

17 replies

karrliz · 28/08/2024 13:30

I am a SAHM with 2 girls (one is 2 and the other 3 months). I worked in sales before and was made redundant whilst on MAT leave and we made the decision for me to take a couple of years out of work with the children.

My husband also works in sales, but as a manager and I do understand that it is a very high pressured job and industry.

I am EXTREMELY understanding, I think because I have been there, with early starts, late nights, overnight stays etc. and I just focus on the girls whilst he can solely focus his time on work.

However it just feels a little too much at the moment... he had paternity leave, but had to take calls whilst on it and now that she is 3 months I have begged for him to use up some of his holiday in the summer months just so we can do some family days out.

It was a struggle to get him to commit to it, but he did. But last minute had to shorten the week to 2 days because of a meeting- which I understood.

He's now saying he won't take it at all. We had plans to drive down to the beach, which I have bought all the bits for!

I'm just upset and frustrated as the weather is super lovey when we are going (not so much on the weekend) and was really looking forward to some family time.

I am always understanding, but I can't help but feel let down. He seems to not rust his team and thinks something will go wrong without him there- but this is no way to work at all...

He makes me feel guilty that I don't work and says he has to do it because of that, but tbh he has always been like this (even when I did work). I have countless memories of him taking his laptop abroad, me having to answer his messages whilst on car trips, him having to go somewhere for a call... it's honestly always been like this, but it upsets me even more now because we have our girls and I can't help but feel like we are missing out on quality family time and making memories.

OP posts:
DeclutteringNewbie · 28/08/2024 13:33

it's honestly always been like this

What conversations did you have about it before baby number 1, and then baby number 2?!

karrliz · 28/08/2024 13:38

I've always said to him that a couple of days won't hurt and he has said he will be there more with the two children.

He really is a great Dad and husband, but it's the taking time away from work that's he struggles with...

It's not a financial reason, it's definitely more a distrust with his team.

OP posts:
Dreamcatchergirl · 28/08/2024 13:44

It’s a mental health problem.

My dad was exactly the same. Married to his job, cancelling annual leave, taking calls on rare days off or popping into work when he was meant to be at home. Thinking about work every evening and weekend.

His reasoning was the same, distrust with his colleagues.

At the end of the day this is your DH issue. If his colleagues cannot do their job it’s for the directors to sort, he needs to speak up. If he died tomorrow or broke his leg etc then they’d have to get on with it at work.

I am sure he loves you and DC more than anything but he needs to break away from the “everything will go to pot if I’m not there” anxiety with work.

I suggest he speak to his managers asap.

Lindjam · 28/08/2024 13:46

Well this does sound like you thought he would change? Obviously he hasn’t, so he really isn’t the great dad and husband you claim he is.

He is prioritising keeping a grip on work over his wife and children. I would feel pretty demoralised to be honest.

Izzymoon · 28/08/2024 13:47

The baby is only 3 months, it not that weird to not have booked extended leave after paternity and in that time window.

Are you saying he never books all his 20 or whatever days of annual leave in a year?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2024 13:49

It's not a financial reason, it's definitely more a distrust with his team.

Then he's a poor manager. He needs to develop them, train them, supervise them. Then when he goes away, they can make good decisions as a team.

parkrun500club · 28/08/2024 13:50

Izzymoon · 28/08/2024 13:47

The baby is only 3 months, it not that weird to not have booked extended leave after paternity and in that time window.

Are you saying he never books all his 20 or whatever days of annual leave in a year?

Exactly this, isn't he getting hassle from the HR people to take his leave?

Our holiday year runs with the calendar year and we get emails from October onwards reminding us to take it (and we can't carry ours over- in previous jobs I could take 5 days over but that would have still left a minimum of 15 to take).

Edited: or does he book it and just work regardless so nobody (except you) knows he's not taking his leave?

DeclutteringNewbie · 28/08/2024 14:00

An incapable team is his responsibility.

He may be motivated to deal with that if you ask how he’s going to manage 50/50 care of his daughters when you divorce him and go back to work.

DeclutteringNewbie · 28/08/2024 14:00

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2024 13:49

It's not a financial reason, it's definitely more a distrust with his team.

Then he's a poor manager. He needs to develop them, train them, supervise them. Then when he goes away, they can make good decisions as a team.

100%

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 14:07

Hes a poor manager if he thinks his team can't be trusted. Or a control freak. He is making himself seem so important. Do you drive? Could to take the girls without him?

He is awful for agreeing with you to take some years out, and now using it against you. Excuses excuses. He's a workaholic, end of.

karrliz · 28/08/2024 14:09

Izzymoon · 28/08/2024 13:47

The baby is only 3 months, it not that weird to not have booked extended leave after paternity and in that time window.

Are you saying he never books all his 20 or whatever days of annual leave in a year?

There isn't a pressure to take holiday because of her age! It was more because it's the end of the summer and we haven't had any holiday time so far and wanted to make the most of the weather before it gets cold! Yes we had Pat leave, but that consisted of recovery and adjustment. His holiday entitlement is 25 days and he can carry 7 days over (which he does ever year) and ends in Dec

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 28/08/2024 14:11

Can you not go without him? I wouldn't hang around waiting for him to be free - just go. Take your parents or a friend or something?

It sounds like he's always been like this.

violetsparkle · 28/08/2024 14:12

Leave him. Then he might actually spend time with his kids every other weekend

parkrun500club · 28/08/2024 16:18

So if he can take 25 days, when has he taken it?

cunoyerjudowel · 28/08/2024 16:22

Various reasons:

Firstly, he has anxiety about not being in control and at work so is more relaxed still working and doing less for 7 days than taking actual time off

The pressure of being sole bread winner will add to this

Being around small children is hard work and not enjoyable and he probably can relax more at work

The less time he spends with you all the harder the time he does spend becomes as they kids are not used to it and you are understandably resentful

It's a serious problem which you both need to talk about - I have been there and ended up splitting up

pitterpatterrain · 28/08/2024 16:22

parkrun500club · 28/08/2024 16:18

So if he can take 25 days, when has he taken it?

Some people seem categorically unable to disconnect from work

I have seen people accrue 20+ days of vacation and lose it through not taking it

As PP mention it’s work addiction almost … feeling it will all fall apart if you are not there (although may feel like micromanagement by the team)

ManyMaybes · 28/08/2024 16:27

Is this because he earns commission? Is he earning a lot?

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