Am I in the wrong here?

[ConfusedWriter08]

Regular MNer, but I’ve name changed to stay anonymous. I know not everyone will ‘get’ it, but I write fan fiction using a website specifically for that purpose. I do it completely anonymously, and in real life not a soul knows about it bar DH. I, specialise, I suppose you could say, in ‘literotica’. I know it’s not for everyone, but there’s a huge following for it, and not to blow my own horn, but I’m good at it. I’m told I’m good at it. I like being good at it. I’m just developing the sort of following I’d need to move some work to Patreon and start to charge for it.
This morning, DH has told me he hates it because it feels like I’m being intimate with other people. I’m baffled by this, because it’s not like anybody knows, it’s fictional stories about fictional characters, posted to an open website, it’s not like I’m sending them to a specific person I know.
He’s adamant that anyone would feel the same way about their spouse writing porn. I’ve said personally I couldn’t care less if he was writing erotica.
AIBU?

Is he getting jealous of your success? Because otherwise that's weird.

It's just stories, if you wrote murder mystery would he think you were going to murder someone!

I mean, yanbu and he is bu. Is it because he imagines you writing this stuff involves you thinking of it and therefore you're thinking about sex outside of the context of him? No real advice I'm afraid but I'd suggest he doesn't read it!

I can understand that if he is reading it knowing it is you, he probably thinks of it as fantasies and quite intimate. Maybe it makes him worried about your sex life, that things he does will pop up there or he's not doing what you want.

I don't think it's anything you can't reassure him about, he just feels there is part of your sex life he isn't part of, I'm sure you can show him it's totally separate and different with a little bit more communication.

Neither of you are being unreasonable really. Erotic fiction is meant to turn you on so it's not that much of a leap to think that someone gets turned on by writing it.

He can't help how he feels about it but that doesn't mean you are wrong for writing it. Some partners would be fine with it, some wouldn't.

He's entitled to his opinion and you're entitled to write erotica.

I do kind of see where he's coming from - not that that means you should stop, though.

He doesn't get to control your thoughts or your actions. You aren't cheating.

And it's hypocritical as fuck because, sorry to be crude, but there is no way he is wanking over you every time.

He is insecure and my experience with that sort of man is that you need to close it down. You can be nice about it, sure, but the bottom line is: this is me. This is what I do. You need to make a decision about whether you can handle it and make a decision. You're either OK with it and everything that comes with it, or you aren't and you need to walk away. What we cannot do is straddle the middle line where I try to reassure you constantly. Let me know by Sunday where we stand so that we can both move forward.

I think you are both entitled to feel the way you do about it.

Does moving to Patreon mean you lose your anonymity? If so then I can understand his concerns.

Otherwise he's BU

He's expressed his opinion. He is not wrong in doing that

I do feel some sympathy for him. You're providing material for other men to masturbate to (and women, I'm sure). Some men would be OK with this, others wouldn't. Some men might see it as similar to their partner turning men on over an adult chat line.

I don't think you can choose how to respond to this. It's a bit like having a DH or DP who likes looking at attractive women. My late DH did. It never bothered me - I trusted him. He just liked looking at beautiful women - but I know some women are unhappy with this, and that needs to be respected as well.

It's not really an answer, but I'd discuss it with him sympathetically. If it isn't handled well, it could turn into a deal breaker.

He’s definitely not jealous of the success. He says in his eyes it’s akin to OnlyFans.
We have a great sex life, but he does have some opinions about things like masturbation for example that I find… unusual. He’s adamant that it has no place in a happy sexual relationship because it’s not needed. I feel very differently about that, and whilst he has never and would never ask me not to, it’s very obvious that he’d be upset that I hadn’t just come to him to ‘scratch that itch’. It’s basically a don’t ask don’t tell situation.
Completely understand the point about providing material, but just wanted to point out that it’s very much ‘erotica by women for women’ type writing, that’s not to say there aren’t men reading it, but it’s not aimed at them.
He can be very insecure and jealous, but he doesn’t show it, he internalises it all and then it all comes out in a massive showdown months or years down the line when I force it out of him because I know it, he knows it, it’s just nobody it confronting it.

There would be no loss of anonymity on Patreon.

Also, he doesn’t actively read it. Never has. He’s glanced over my shoulder a few times and read a line or two, obviously disapprovingly, but he’s never actually read any.

No one has any right to control anyone else, but he's allowed to have feelings about it and to share them with you.

I'd feel the same as him and have some of the same opinions you've described.

I think it's an incompatibility issue

He sounds controlling.

Is he actually asking you to stop OP?

He isn’t, but knowing him as I do I know he wants to, but won’t. I’d put money on him hoping I’ll volunteer to.

I agree with the pp who said that you're not wrong to do it but he's not wrong for not liking it.

We all have our own boundaries and many are felt rather than being a choice.

Obviously, you're not going to volunteer to stop. He hasn't asked you to. You're not hiding it from him so there's no deceit.

Has there been a calm conversation about why he doesn't like it? Has he had chance to actually articulate his thoughts and feelings? Because this might go some way to help him.process it and if he actually feels heard, and you can respond to his cocnerns, he'll be in the possession of the facts rather than filling in all.the blanks himself and coming up with something that is far worse than the reality. As is often the case.

I don't think he should be dismissed as controlling just because he's a man though.

Completely understand the point about providing material, but just wanted to point out that it’s very much ‘erotica by women for women’ type writing, that’s not to say there aren’t men reading it, but it’s not aimed at them.

The thing is, a lot of this stuff is very much based around the "fantasies" of the author - so it's not really surprising that partners can feel a bit put out by those fantasies being shared online with millions of people, even if it is anonymous.

While it may not be entirely rational, I think it's quite easy to end up feeling insecure as a result of stuff like this. Imagine your partner writing sexual fantasies online about stuff that you could never attain yourself - I can totally understand why some people find it a bit upsetting.

That doesn't mean I think you should stop, just that I do understand where he's coming from and I do think people would be a bit less "okay" about it if it was a man writing this stuff.

I voted YANBU.

But in all honesty, although in theory you are absolutely NBU, in RL I could see that a partner could feel a bit sensitive or insecure if, as far as they can see, you spend much of your time dreaming up fictional / fantasy sex involving characters other than him.

And it is currently your hobby that you do because you enjoy it. Rather than it currently being your job.

Is your target audience women or men?

So I would explain your case but with some generosity to his feelings.

In the end his insecurity is the issue .

I don't think the majority of fanfic readers are men. The OP is writing stories with sex scenes in them. It's like the woman who wrote 50 shades of Grey not adult sex chat line work. You've completely misunderstood.

Now you’ve said that he doesn’t think that masturbation belongs in a happy, sexual relationship I realise that you are dealing with so much more than your spouse being jealous of your fantasies. Has he ever insisted that you stop wanking (if you do)? He now sounds controlling.

YANBU. I’m guessing you’re on AO3? You must be good if you can move to Patreon!

I see at least one PP has assumed it’s men reading your stories, and wonder if this is what your DH is assuming when he talks about it feeling like you being intimate with other people. Does he understand that it’s usually women who are reading fic?

Are you writing m/m fic? If so, could that be what he has a problem with, rather than the concept of erotic fan fiction in general?

Literotica can be pretty hardcore, fanfiction or not. The OP wasn't specific about the kind she writes. So, as I said, men and women masturbate to it. I don't have a problem with that - it's not really any of my business, except the OP did ask; but if someone isn't happy with it, then it's not something that is easy to change.