To think my elderly dad shouldn’t still have the power to upset me?

[ImSoEffingOverPeopleTreatingMeBadly]

I’m mid 50’s and over the past few days have been in tears over the ongoing issue with my elderly dad. It’s been going on 35 years.

Background: I had a lovely childhood. Siblings, very close cousins (mum’s sister), lovely days out and holidays, loads of fun. My aunt died, then my mum died a short while after. She needed an operation, and it went wrong. It was a massive shock, and I was the last at home, a teen.

2 days after my mum died, a widowed woman in our village came round, then every day, and my dad was dating her within weeks. I was very upset, and my whole life imploded. That Christmas I spent the whole day alone whilst he was at her house. About a year later I left home, went to Uni, and never went back to live there. I spent painful Uni breaks there. My siblings were all married and had DC. We all fell out whilst some of us were happy for him (didn’t have to deal with his grief), and others were horrified.

My dad’s GF was just awful and made my life a misery. I’m not being biased. One of my SIL’s, who is really calm and chilled out, banned her from her house as she was so rude and just a horrible person.

Over the past 35 years my dad involved himself 100% with her family, going on holidays, days out, Christmas etc. Once I took my young DC to stay at his, GF’s DGC came over, and bullied my DC saying he wasn’t their GD, but theirs.

The GF died a few years ago. They didn’t live together, have any DC together, but over the years my dad ploughed through 250k savings him and mum had accumulated, and her life insurance, on her and her family.

So now my dad is alone. There are no pictures of my mum in his house. His screen savers are his GF. Loads of pictures of her family everywhere. He still goes there for Christmas, unless they are away, and he’ll come to me. The AIBU main bit is this; he sits there upset telling ME, not my other male siblings, that she was the love of his life, he really misses her, he wants to be buried with her, and be in heaven with her. He openly mourns and grieves her, yet I remember little upset over my mum, and we had to mourn alone as his GF didn’t like my mum talked about and she was always around.

This leaves me, upstairs crying at night. I’m upset not for me, but for my poor mum who does not deserve to be so disrespected. My mum was lovely, kind, generous, fun, hard working and a great role model. She went without for us. She never got loads of money spent on her, holidays or jewellery. She was looking after her DC and her DGC. I feel like he didn’t respect her when she was alive, and he’s still doing it now. Under my mum and him there is a massive lineage with loads of family, DC, DGC, and DGGC. He doesn’t even have a dotted line to the GF.

I told my DH that I find his behaviour very triggering. When this happened as a teen, I felt isolated, alone, lost, scared and anxious. I really thought I was going to end up on the street so I had to just keep to my room and keep a low profile till I escaped.

You’d think I’d be over it now, 35 years later, but my siblings and I are still pissed off at each other, and my dad still has the power to send me up to my room in tears feeling like a scared teen again. It seeps into other relationships too. I get this feeling when I have small, natural marital challenges with my DH. I feel like I can’t rock the boat, or I’ll end up alone.

AIBU to think I should be over this by now?

Sorry it’s so long.

Sorry you are feeling this way. Speaking as someone whose father was abusive when I was a child and I still felt obliged to look after him when he was elderly- do not be me.
If he upsets you avoid him as much as possible.
Your mum would want you to be happy.

You absolutely need therapy, if this has been going on for 35 years. It will really help, but it would be better if you'd done this years ago and not lived so long with all of this unprocessed pain. It sounds as if you're still living with that teenager mourning her mother and trying to deal with her father moving on immediately.

It's not wildly unusual, though difficult for grieving children. One of my best friends lost her mother and 17, and her father picked up his first girlfriend of many at a residential course for widowed people within two weeks of the funeral. Another friend's father-in-law brought his new girlfriend to his wife's funeral.

It's a LOT. Your lovely Mum died. You then effectively 'lost' your Dad, almost immediately. Your siblings all fell out with each other over how to respond to your Dad's actions. No wonder you've struggled with this. I agree that some professional counselling (shop around) would probably be helpful for you to work through all this. Then the hurt of it all will be less problematic in time.

You don't have to be around people just because you share blood with them.

He emotionally neglected you as a teen, didn't help you grieve, let his GF treat you awfully... and is not conveniently unaware/uncaring of how his words may be effing insensitive.

He doesn't sound like a pleasant man whatsoever.

What positives do you get from contacting your Dad?
If non then why do you do it? He wasn't there for you, as a teen who lost her mother.

You have no obligation to him, if blood is the only tie, cut it.

I feel you big time on this. Some men, particularly of an older generation, can have next to zero emotional intelligence and be extremely self absorbed. My dad is similar to yours in a lot of ways, although the details are different. My mom died of dementia, it was bloody awful. Afterwards the grieving was all about him, no consideration that we too had lost our mother. He was the only one who mattered. Then not long after, he met a woman who he then became obsessed with. He constantly asked me for dating tips and advice, he even tried to ask me sex advice. This is how unbelievably tone deaf he is. I told him, no way am I discussing that with you, and he threw a little tantrum, saying he had no one else to ask. He’s nearly 80 years old, by the way. Who on earth thinks it’s appropriate to ask your own daughter sex advice like that, not to mention while still grieving the death of your mother?!

Parents hold a lot of power over us. It doesn’t seem to matter our age, or theirs. I totally get your upset and you are not being unreasonable.

I think you're carrying a lot of grief from your mum's death and your dad's actions afterwards. If you never had any bereavement counselling, it's not too late. My father was hurt in a similar way when his mother died when he was just 17. His dad remarried very quickly and the new family was preferenced. In fact, he was basically thrown out of the home six months later after a serious car accident because he needed care to convalesce. My father didn't address it and it affected our relationship until he started opening up aged 70. With me early 40s. He's much happier now. You could be too.

My gut feeling is your Dad never mourned your mum. He literally filled her spot with the second wife so he didn't have to deal with any of it. It's an emotionally immature response & one that didn't give a shit about his poor kids stuck in the middle of his mess.

I guess you were painful reminders of her, so to ignore you in favour of the new family was all part of that 'if I don't think about it, it never happened' cycle.

Totally agree with above - your best bet would be therapy to deal with your own (natural) feelings of rejection & anger at your dad.

You don't need to bring him into your home if it's upsetting & triggering - he made his choices long ago - let his other family take care of him, especially as he ages.

Im sorry it's happened & I hope you find some peace.

I’m so sorry, that’s such a lot to deal with.
I had a somewhat similar situation in that my father didn’t treat me very well yet I somehow seemed to end up going back again and again to help him out. I was so angry with him but had to keep it all in as if I said anything I would’ve be shouted at , put down, awful. When he died I felt guilty because I felt I hadn’t been a good daughter, in my head I was awful to him , which now I can see is ridiculous! I do think counselling could help, I’ve had quite a lot, my mother is a whole other story ! I am getting better, it’s taken a long time and a lot of talking but it helps . Also I am particularly close to one of my sisters and it’s helped to talk to her to find our shared experiences and realise that actually, it wasn’t our fault and we did have a rough time .

I think you were over it, but unresolved trauma is like a poorly folded duvet squeezed in a cupboard- it only takes one little nudge on the door for the whole thing to spring out and overwhelm you.

I think therapy (not CBT) will probably be really helpful because it will allow you to organise how you're feeling and maybe allow you to grieve for the father you deserved and wanted.

Also I hate to say it but it sounds like your dad was already seeing this other woman before tour mum died :(

Just 2 days and she was round and openly dating within weeks?

Ot would explain why he didn't grieve your mother, he had already moved on before her death to someone else.

It's continuing though, isn't it, and continues to hurt you because you've never been able to talk to him about it, get his point of view or acknowledgement of your mother or of the hurt he caused you or the catastrophic effect on your life at the loss of your mother - and father - or any resolution about it with him.

We don't know our parents as people, as individuals independent of us but typically see them as a monolith that has immense power over us and huge effects on our inner and outer lives. It's hard to reconcile that with another view of the person or treat it with some degree of detachment and we probably can't find peace unless we go through some process of talking or emotional conditioning therapy. Otherwise it can keep on tormenting and destabilising you in your everyday life and your inner feelings.

Stop letting him talk about the horrible GF and disrespecting your lively mum. Stop having him for Christmas/ other events when he clearly only sees you as a back up to his GF's family. Put yourself first.

If he says anything, speak up. Say that when your mum died he was a terrible father. That you miss her, and his late GF was horrible to you.

It sounds like he never loved your DM.

Her being a fab DM doesn't mean their marriage was good. Did they have to get married?

He was with new woman for 35 years, was that longer than with DM?

Most men do prioritise second wives and their families whether through death or divorce.

At least he didn't marry her and gave her family inheritance your DM's assets.