Would a psychiatrist help?

[Rumors1]

I am feeling so crap and deflated this morning as I ended up screaming at DS(almost 15) again last night instead of having the calm conversation I intended on having.
Trying to keep this as short as possible, DS was the loveliest child until he hit 3 years and then the tantrums/meltdowns started. He would follow me around the house screaming at me for hours on end. It was horrendous, nothing I did worked to get him out of them. I ended up having a sort of breakdown when he was 4. I developed a panic disorder and anxiety.

Over the years his behaviour was so difficult to manage. He is very strong willed and stubborn and always tests boundaries. He is very self centered, really struggles to consider other people, he wants his own way all the time.
My brother has all the traits of narcissistic personality disorder. He was a bully to myself and sister growing up, always tormenting us. He was let away with it and the emotional abuse turned to verbal and physical abuse of me as an adult.

Both my parents are very selfish people, only consider their needs and don't consider the emotional impact of their behaviour on us.

Dealing with this in my life has made me want to ensure that DS doesn't grow up like that.

The problem is I don't know whether he genuinely doesn't understand how bad his behaviour can be and its impact on others, or whether he is just being a selfish brat.

Both DH and I have been very consistent in our parenting to try to keep him in line. We have lots of rules in the house which stems from his behaviour eg who has control of the remote, who sits where on the couch each night, who does what chores, who is first for - the stuffing, the pick of the steaks, treats, etc.

My other two will compromise and there would be no need for these rules, but he will always pick himself in a situation.
For example if picking a movie, DS will not agree, the others will choose a couple they are happy to watch and DS would purposely say he didnt want to watch those, even if he did. On a few occasions when DS wouldn't agree to any of their choices and the discussions had gone on for about 30 mins, I said one of their choices would go on and he said fine but he wouldnt watch it and went to his room and sat on his bed for 2 hours.

He is very forceful and has always struggled to listen to others point of view. I really do try to explain how his behavior impact for example on his younger brother who looks up to him.

Last night DS 13 came down to me upset as his brother had told him not to look at him in school or say hello to him.
I tried to calmly explain the why this is upsetting to DS13 and to try to put himself in his shoes for a minute, he went off into his usual argument of why it isn't his problem is DS13 is upset, that's on him, he wouldn't be bothered if it was the other way around, and I am ashamed to say I roared at him that he was a fucking horrible child.

I apologized but the damage is done, the damage is always being done as I cant control myself in the face of such constant stubbornness. Its every day with him and I can manage most interactions calmly but at least once a week I end up loosing it.
At times he is the loveliest child, he is kind to me, hugs me often, tells me he loves me, he is a great help around the house, gets on well in school and shows real kindness at times. But I feel it is on his terms if that makes sense, like he is nice to us because he is happy and it suits him but when we want something and he doesn't then its a hard no.
I do wonder if he has a personality disorder or some issue. On the face of it these things may seem trivial but its just the constant nature of them that is wearing me down. I wonder would bringing him to a psychiatrist help to see if there is anything going on.

My other two are so different, yes they can be stubborn and moody at times but its completely different.

Any advice would be very welcome as I dont want to destroy our relationship or damage him.

@Beth216 thanks I can relate to the cut off his nose to spite his face, he definitely does that!

Phrasing things in different ways helps, like asking for help with something is better than telling him to do it - I use the PDA strategies which do help.

It sounds a lot like my younger, he's 11 now.

What helped: First thing, divorcing his dad. Second thing, understanding I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and that I'm triggered by my DS's behaviour, third thing, working on my own C-PTSD. Fourth thing, a mix of very strong boundaries with live bombing (the correct balance is still being worked on).

We're still working on that, but things have been improving. No more 45 minutes tantrums (they were frequent), no more crying (from my part), etc.

@Rumors1

He might find school easy with his memory to gcse level. But you may find he comes unstuck at A level.

This is beautiful and gives me hope for my DC1 who I experience in the same way you describe. I'm fighting for support at the moment. Thank you!

This is so invalidating. Unless you have loved with a child who displays this behaviour you have no idea how mentally unwell it can make you feel.

You’ve mentioned your family traits and neurodiversity is inherited by and large. I suspect there is some autism/other traits in your family and your son is also autistic and possibly PDA which is linked to autism. I have an autistic son and some of what you say is familiar. He doesn’t double down on his own wants so much because he is older and will just go to his room. He's always been well behaved with others at school/college etc. and is bright. I do have to treat him differently and avoid meeting him head on. I give him as much control over things as possible. Eg. You need your hair cut. When do you want me to make an appointment? Rather than my other child, I’d just tell him what was happening. Shouting as you will no doubt know makes things worse. But hey we have all done it. Try and get a referral to Camhs or look at private assessments/patients right to choose. You need help. Go to your GP and tell them what’s happening.