Aibu to not want to support my depressed friend any longer because she’s so argumentative?

[AsproutdeserveslifenotjustChristmas]

An ex work friend has been through a tough time in the past and was doing ok, but the breakdown of a ( totally unsuitable relationship with someone going through a divorce ) has sent them into a two year spiral. I have tried to help, but at times I have had to ignore her even though we are told to lean in, I have lean out.
The issue is she doesn’t want to talk about anything, but constantly tells me how lucky I am and how I don’t understand. ( I am not lucky and I have been through some things myself, but I accept these things as the past, some are not my fault and some are, but I make tiny steps to improve my future. ) But as there is nothing that you can say to friend she won’t ague with. I understand everyone’s issues are relative to their situation, but any advice I give is not welcome. I certainly don’t have more than her financially, I’m much worse off wit debt, but I do have 2 children.

Friend has driven away most of her friends because she lectures them and is very judgemental. Example would be

Her - you are so lucky to have had children
me - yes, but i made a compromise and settled for a not perfect relationship to be able to have children within ( both geriatric pregnancies, I was not married to their father and whilst we were in an LTR, we will never marry and he is very hands off, I have no family support and I also work full time )
Her- no one should compromise or do anything they don’t want. Massive rant about me sleeping around as I had a number of failed relationships , not being married before kids , not having big savings, no one’s ever worked as hard as her etc

Friend is a hard worker when I worked with her and has been successful in a later career, but friend is superficial and judgmental. When I first met her I thought she was quite rude. However we got to know each other and had lovely times together just us in and outside work and as part of a larger group.

Friend isn’t working at the moment as can’t cope with demands of work. She decided to leave her new job because it was hard, I suggested she asked for support with the work load as they were pleased with her. She quit next day, now doesn’t leave the house for weeks. Then suddenly she’ll go running or walking and do 20, 000 steps messaged me and ask how many steps have you done today “ oh only 7000 that’s pathetic” I find this very annoying does she want a reaction here ? A fight ? We’ve never had words. I’ve know her 20 years +

I don’t know what I’m asking here, I just don’t know what to do really. I feel guilty when she says she wants to phone, she won’t text for some reason. Last time we met in person was horrible, she just put me down and lectured me. It was soul destroying. I do not claim to be perfect at all. It’s also hard as I’m busy with work and my youngish 2 DC and she’s living alone, no DC, now an age that DC incredibly unlikely and not working.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable if you feel you have to step away - that’s tough! But I do think logically arguing with her is a mistake. If she says you’re lucky to have children just agree. If that’s something she wants she will feel sad and hurt that she doesn’t, and you explaining why it’s not lucky will just make her feel like you don’t understand/care/are being argumentative or judgemental yourself.

What a bitch. Why put up with somebody who insults you? Either start ignoring her calls or tell her you have had it with her mean and disrespectful behavior and no longer want to see her.

She creating conflict to justify the confusion and anger she feels inside. It’s difficult to stand by a friend who deals with their internal issues like this. She wants you to feel crap so you both feel crap and she gets some level of comfort in the matched energies. You can take a break or rise above it all and focus on the positives when you’re around her, whatever you feel up to.

She sounds quite mentally ill. But you have to look after yourself as well. Don't be unkind, but its fine to spend less time with her.

It's absolutely fine to pull back and give less.

I agree that there's no point arguing over any of it. You're lucky to have children - I wouldn't be insulted, I'd say something like ' yeah, I know. It has it's ups and downs though 🤷‍♀️'. It doesn't need to be an argument.

Just cut chat like this short. The steps comment - just ignore that particular message. Basically just pull back here and see if there's a different relationship possible where you interact on your terms ( not engaging in the debate). If you don't have anything mutual in common to talk about or relate on then that isn't your fault really

Don't engage the argument. You don't have to phone or talk on the phone, restrict contact to texts. Mute calls from her and only text. It's not convenient to talk.
Don't respond to anything negative, texts give you the time to compose a reply, change the subject, control what you are willing to talk about.
Having some control over this friendship will be better for you and if you are feeling guilty about backing away, you've not removed all contact. At this point it sounds like you would be better off without her though.

She's using you as a verbal punching bag to make herself feel better, that's not ok. Personally I'd probably walk away, your own mental health is priority.

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to 💐

You’re not obliged to ‘lean in’ to support someone who’s being a dick to you all the time!

"An ex work friend"
This woman is NOT your friend.

"When I first met her I thought she was quite rude."
She still is.

"However we got to know each other and had lovely times together just us in and outside work and as part of a larger group."
And because of that, you are hanging on in there. Maybe you should instead accept that the friendship died some time ago. This woman may have been a friend then, but isn't now.

"I have tried to help, but at times I have had to ignore her even though we are told to lean in, I have lean out."
'We are told'? You are tying yourself in knots because of a slogan used to sell a book?

You know what we're also 'told'? Boundaries are good, and we should protect our self-esteem. Your self-esteem is currently taking a huge hit because you have poor boundaries. You allow this woman to tell you that you are pathetic. Why? I can see that you pity her, but allowing her to talk to you like this will not solve her problems. You say she has "driven away most of her friends because she lectures them and is very judgemental". Well good for them refusing to allow her to treat them as she is currently treating you! You should take the same path - stop seeing her, stop taking her calls, stop giving her headspace. Step away.

"I don’t know what I’m asking here, I just don’t know what to do really."
Start by considering what exactly it is that you are doing now. The title of your thread is "Aibu to not want to support my depressed friend any longer because she’s so argumentative?" Let's break that down.

1. Supporting her: Your relationship does not support her, it merely provides her with a whipping boy. You are her punchbag, not her crutch.
2. Depressed: You are not responsible for that, and frankly she sounds as if her rage against the world will always prevent her dealing with her depression. If she's even depressed, which she may not be. You may, by trying to make sense of her behaviour, have misinterpreted her behaviour as depression.
3. Argumentative: It sounds as if she only contacts you to have someone to have a go at, so yes, very argumentative. But you can't argue alone, you need an opponent or at least an audience. Which is where you, her punchbag, come in.

I'd suggest that continuing this relationship (it's not friendship, it's really not) is actually bad for both of you. For you, it's soul-destroying and bad for your self-esteem. For her, it's locking her into her past and allowing her to obsess about how 'everyone' is doing better than her and increasing her resentment of 'everyone'.

The best thing you can do - for her as well as yourself - is to just call it a day. Be upfront. Text her that you have decided that her constant belittling is driving you to depression and that you have decided that you need respite from her behaviour; and for that reason you will not be in touch for the foreseeable future. Wish her well, suggest she sees a counsellor or therapist, but repeat that you will not be around to take her slings and arrows any more. Do not try to sugar the pill, be absolutely blunt and unequivocal.

Then step away from this woman's rage, and stay stepped away.

Everything @Whereyouleftit said is spot on.

My summary, ditch the bitch, she's not your responsibility.

And "we're told to lean in" ....🙄

She's not your friend.

Anyone who troubles you is not your friend.

Dump her. And move on in life. New better friends will come into your life.

She's draining you, she sounds jealous of you hence the constant put downs and negative comments.

I suggest you block her, just go NC so she isolated herself by her own words and actions and the fault is hers and hers alone.......she sounds pathetic to be honest and with friends like that, who needs enemies

@WhereYouLeftIt puts this beautifully.

This is a relationship based on codependency and she is using you as an opportunity to avoid dealing with her depression and low self esteem.

If you care about her: read her the riot act and tell her she is sabotaging herself and needs to get a grip. If not just walk away: you don’t need this.

I don't think the response to you are lucky to have children is the one you gave. Bit of a red rag to a bull if she has no children and kind of inviting her to comment on that compromise. I'm surprised 2 years in you are trying to still give nuanced answers to her. I was in a similar situation supporting a friend and just moved fairly quickly to just listening and giving empathetic responses regardless of what I felt about her decisions or issues. I was clear about how often I could see her and that was all I could do. I wasn't going to be the thing that fixed her.

Break up with her you're getting nothing out of this

Gosh, thank you all brilliant advice.

I do feel a lot of guilt here as friend has no one left. I pull back and say I’m busy and make excuses, but that makes her more needy because she is not at all busy and gets jealous. I do at times ignore her. Or only talk about abstract things like text her a nice flower photo I’ve taken.

Her parents have both died now and she is jealous I have mine alive although the relationship is not good, unrealized me saying that means nothing to her, she still thinks I have it better. She does have siblings, and some nieces & nephews, but of course they are not talking to her either over money after the parents died. On this I can see both sides of the story, and it could have been handled better, but I think they all have certain trait.

I suppose feel bad I can’t help somehow. She had therapy in various forms, but it seems to make her worse and I suggested CBT to try to stop the negative spirals getting worse, but she isn’t interested in trying that. I can’t recommend her for jobs either as she’s too volatile.

I will certainly pull back and fade.

I dont blame you for being frustrated. Some people settle into victimhood and blaiming everyone around them, instead of taking it on the chin and moving on.
Ive been told Im lucky to have a child by someone who was engaged to a milionaire, and decided to abort several times as she thought she could do better father wise. Whereas just like yourself, I did not win the lottery and settled for an average, less than perfect relationship in order to start a family. You dont owe her anything, she isnt your parent or a sibling. Some friendships unfortunately have to come to an end.

Just drop her. She sounds exhausting and unpleasant.

You don't have to be her emotional punchbag simply because she's driven everyone else away.

I didn't really understand why you started the argument about kids by saying you made compromises, that comes across as very judgemental that she didn't do the same. She got much too nasty in biting back, but it seems toxic from both sides. It's OK to step away as she clearly isn't adding value to your life, but it is worth reflecting a little on why your approach was so aggressive. If it was just her tone and history, then leave it, but if you find you have a lot of conflict like this is worth unpicking a bit more.