To not want to holiday with a big group any more

[AppleBlossoms5]

As part of my hobby, a big group of us have gone away twice a year for the past 10 years or so. I just don't enjoy holidaying with 25+ people every year now, have begun to find it overwhelming and my tolerance to be around a big number of people has declined. I didn't go on the most recent trip, instead I went somewhere else and did the hobby with my sister and a close friend, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

An acquaintance from tbe group asked me why I didn't go with them, am I turning antisocial.

I find my tolerance to be around lots of people in general has declined recently... I need a lot of alone and quiet time. I'm early 50s. AIBU and antisocial and should I have gone?

Why would you even contemplate going on a holiday you don’t enjoy?

YANBU. Just say you enjoy more peace and quiet as you're getting older. You don't have to go on a holiday you don't enjoy.

Twice a year is too much. It’s restricting to be with others and it’s not spontaneous. So it’s not really being antisocial, it’s how you can get the most out of a holiday.

Why on earth would you even think about a holiday you wouldn't enjoy???
You said you still did the hobby with your sister and enjoyed it. Your aren't married to the hobby group. Do what makes YOU feel good!

As a side, are you peri/menopausal or have any other health things going on, hence the change of wanting your own space? Not saying its a health issue to want to be on your own and do your own thing, but peri/menopause can cause anxiety in situations you previous found comfortable to be in.

YANBU, most people are exhausting to be around 24/7.

Why should you do anything you don't want to do? I can guarantee that there will be others in that group who were thinking exactly the same as you but who went along anyway and now don't know what to do next year. Once one or 2 people have started the banter about "ooh, she's gone all antisocial on us" then no-one wants to then put it out there to say "actually, I know how she feels."

It's daft because presumably you know all these people well, but on large group holidays it's sometimes hard to know them REALLY well, because with any large group socialising unless you take someone into a quiet corner to have a deep and meaningful chat, it's all surface banter and half-finished conversations and someone talking over someone else, or getting the wrong end of the stick etc etc.

I'm not the personality type to enjoy large group holidays because I'm an introvert. I would find them exhausting and not fulfilling on a proper bonding level because it can only ever be surface chitchat. So I've never really done them. There's nothing wrong with wanting more fulfilling small group conversation as you get older. Plenty of people don't find it good anymore once they're out of their 20s.

Was it skiing?

And look how you described it anyway: "an aquaintance from the group asked if I was being antisocial". Surely you don't really care either way what they think if they're just an acquaintance?

I went away in a large group just after Covid - these are friends l have known for over 30 years but it has put me off group holidays forever!

Why should you go on a holiday you don't enjoy? You could suggest smaller meet ups with those who've bothered to get in touch.

I've never done a large group holiday, what didn't you like about it?

It was good but too many opinions about what to do, where to eat etc.

It was too big a group as well (over 20 of us).

Just like an easy life now l am older - we always have a lovely time when it's just us.

I don’t think you should have gone on a holiday you weren’t going to enjoy. But I would guard against indulging your anti-social tendencies too much and make an effort not to lose touch with people, even if that means meeting up with smaller groups more often. I don’t think it’s does any of us good, especially as we age, to isolate ourselves.

Don't accept the label 'antisocial'. Just frame a positive reason for not attending these holidays - say you've limited funds or time and so you've opted to prioritise family holidays, such a shame, hope the others have a lovely time! If pushed say your energy levels just don't enable you to keep up or something vague like that.

Never explain the real reason as you'll alienate the group, which is unnecessary. But just don't go on big group holidays again.

Yes, I feel I'm more comfortable these days in small groups or one-to-ones, and will continue to do this, and also to meet individuals I'm friendliest with from the big group.

Oh god. Group holidays are the devil’s work. Be true to yourself and your own needs, which do change over time. Your needs and wants at this stage of your life are different than before. Honour this, unapologetically.

I wouldn't even consider going if I didn't enjoy it. Just be honest and say you've enjoyed it in the past but you find it a bit much these days!

That makes so much sense, thanks - I feel my needs and wants in different areas of my life have changed recently

I don't like big trips, you don't get to do what you want because everything is a group decision and I don't like having loads of people around me all the time. I'm an introvert and find it very draining. Trips cost money and you really should be spending your time and money on what you want, not what other people want you to do. I would bow out gracefully from all the future trips.

25+ people??!!!! I could not cope with that. I go away with a group of 5 - 8 friends twice a year and find that hard enough.

YANBU.

I'm also an introvert, have always found these kind of events draining, but instead of going along with it as usual, I'm doing what I really want to do instead

Too many opinions and preferences to balance and too many people think they are the main character and everyone else exists to fulfill their needs. So if five people want to have dinner at x restaurant and one person wants to have dinner at y restaurant, that one person will often get mad and sour the whole mood just because they didn't get their way.

Also too many anxieties and irritations come out when you are spending 24/7 with someone, for example I have a friend who is the type to want to go to the airport 6 hours before because she is anxious she will miss the flight. So when you are on a trip with that sort of person she is constantly anxious about every ridiculous thing and no matter how much you try to reason with her she doesn't stop, because in her mind her anxieties are completely logical.

It can drive you absolutely insane!