To send MIL a birthday card

[Alifemoreordinary123]

My husband and MIL are NC and have been for the last 5 years (many issues coming from his childhood - no physical abuse but emotional issues). I used to have occasional calls / texts with her but not so much any more (things have dropped off in the last year). We have DC and MIL sends them cards and gifts at birthdays and Christmas. It’s a sad situation all around but one I decided to stay out of to a large extent, at least not try to fix.

It’s MIL birthday in a month (reminder has popped up on my phone). I usually send her a card and gift. Do I this year? What do I say? Or should I ask the children to write a card? It feels odd to send a birthday card like we’re a happy normal family, but cruel to ignore it too.

YABU - don’t send a card and leave things
YANBU - send a card from the children with us noted too.

So send one from you

If my husband sent a card to my father (who I was NC with before he died) then I would feel so betrayed.

Your loyalty is to your husband. He has chosen to cut contact for what sounds like very good reasons.

You should respect his decision and leave it now.

If your DH is NC I'd stand by your DH.

Buy a card that says “nanny” (or similar ) on the front and get the kids to write it and sign their names. Don’t add your or DH’s names.

You should be a united front with your husband, any contact with her is betraying him

Ask your husband. If he says no, then respect that.

Absolutely don't send her a card!

You would effectively be saying that you think DH is wrong to have gone no contact with her. That would be a huge betrayal.

You should also bear in mind that emotionally abusive parents have a tendency to become emotionally abusive grandparents - is that what you want for your children?

This.
My DH is LC with his mum. I always ask what he wants to do and act accordingly.

You're assuming he has an issue with her sending the cards and she's been doing this all this time anyway.

Op others have said talk to your hubby and that's what I also think you should do.

Don't send a card. It would be incredibly unsupportive of your husband to do that. I would be so hurt if you did that to me in his position.

So, if you're DH has been NC with her for 5 years surely the question of her birthday has arisen before. Presumably she has a birthday every year like everyone else! What's happened with previous birthdays, or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

Interesting, thanks very much for your replies. To answer questions;

DH has always been comfortable with me having low contact - he just doesn’t want any contact himself. As their contact decreased, I’d still try and connect her to the children (infrequently). She’s not a terrible person, but not someone he wants a relationship with or would want the children having a deep relationship with (occasional visits were fine). She is still part of their family and where they have come from (my oldest remembers her). We acknowledge her to the children as part of our family but explain (in a child friendly way) that sometimes adults don’t get on etc. I will ask him though.

Previous birthdays I have sent a card as a minimum from us all (possibly last year it was just from the children).

Why do you want a relationship with her or want your children to when she's been emotionally abusive to your husband?

Have you asked your DH what he thinks about sending a card from the DC?

I’ll ask my DH what he thinks, thank you. There is clearly a lot of background here which would take an age to recount and isn’t directly relevant to my OP. She’s had a tough life and isn’t an abusive demon. I’m sure if I posted with her side of the story many would berate my husband for how he’s treated her. So it’s complicated. But I will speak to my husband and appreciate the perspective around taking his lead a bit more around this.

Guess there’s always 2 sides to a story….no one person is the absolute ‘baddy’….feel sorry for the GC who miss out on a relationship with GPs…..but not down to you OP ….you are making the best of a bad situation that’s not your making so fair play to you

@Kitkat1523 thank you so much - really appreciate that. That’s exactly what I’ve tried to do. I’m sad for both sides that they’ve missed out. As much as I respect my husband’s view, he’s always respected my view not to cut ties entirely. It’s tough

I also made the mistake of feeling bad for my parents missing out on a relationship with their grandchildren.
Guess what? when the children got past the cute and amenable stage, my parents started treating them the same way they'd treated me (i.e badly). My children no longer want anything to do with their grandparents and I feel guilty for thinking I was doing the right thing in putting them together.

OP - has your DH had any therapy? Children don't cut off their parents for no reason. It sounds like he's in denial about how he was treated (and yes, abusive parents have often had hard lives and make their side of the story sound good. Simply put, if you are the adult that is responsible for a child, you don't get to mistreat them).