Today is my wedding anniversary

[helenabeesknees]

My divorce came through on Friday.

Today should be my wedding anniversary. 7 years.

This time last year we were staying in a hotel with the kids celebrating....not happily I admit but still. He bought me a plant with 2 flowers growing on it and said one was me and the other was him.

A year later I'm alone, divorced while my ex husband is playing happy families with his new girlfriend and her 3 kids. Their baby is due soon which they both rub in my face in every way they can. He wasted no time. He's abusive and very narcissistic - I know that's a term been thrown around everywhere these days. He just has many many traits. The last straw was when he told me he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault. I called the police that day.

I have healed in so many ways but I feel exhausted and very emotional today.

I've booked a last minute log cabin for me and the kids. Otherwise I would be sat at home with no motivation. My whole body just hurts.

Just needed to post. I'm not specifically asking anything. Just needed to vent x

Have a fantastic time away with your kids OP. Forget the ex and his bit on the side. He will probably do the same to her once he gets bored. Men like that don’t change sadly. Focus on you. You’ve been very strong. I hope you have kind friends and colleagues in RL to support you.

Thank you, I have a small circle of friends and my mum has especially been great.

I've just come out of therapy and have started a new job which I really love. I set 5 goals for myself and I've completed them all. I have been doing really really well.

I just can't help thinking that this time last year was so different. I desperately wanted him to change but knew it wasn't going to be possible.

I never imagined it would look like this a year later though. He's now got 4 kids to 4 different woman.

I've only seen him once since we separated - which was only the end of October last year. I did see a picture of him on social media a few days ago though and he has gone grey and put a hell of a lot of weight on. Meanwhile I've lost well over a stone 😂 I guess the divorce diet doesn't work for everyone lol

Wow, you have done brilliantly!

Don't be surprised if you get a bit of a slump. You have been running on adrenaline and doing fantastically. But be kind to yourself. It's only a year which is no time at all. Congratulations on the new job, new image and therapy. All great things. And two fingers to fatty ex and his wandering willy.

Well IMO @HerewegoagainSS summed it up in one pithy sentence: “And two fingers to fatty ex and his wandering willy.” Very well said.
Perfectly reasonable for you to feel a bit sad today, ‘firsts’ after any major life event can be difficult. But it will pass and you have done so brilliantly moving on, you are to be congratulated. 💐

Think about it like this, right now your reminiscing about this time last year - why not change your mindset and think about this time next year and all the things you’ll have achieved since the divorce came through…

Anniversaries in cases like this are always hard, they really shine a spotlight on how much things have changed (or haven't, sometimes)

But in your case, all of your changes are for the better. You've done incredibly well in a short space of time, especially getting free of a narc. I know people who've taken years to get to where you are now.

Focus on how much better things will be for you next year. And the year after. And so on, forever, because you're free 💐

Hahaha wondered if I had gone a bit too far there with the wandering willy and I don’t normally fat shame people (out loud) but this charmer deserves it doesn’t he? Go Team OP!

Don't look at it as a wedding anniversary, look at it as the beginning of your next and better chapter, make some plans for the next 12 months.

You could make it a date you always go away to celebrate the good times in the previous 12 months and make plans for the next 12.

look forward op this is the start of your life.

Look at it this way.

Last year you were sat in a hotel with an arsehole with the (hopefully) worst year of your life hurtling towards you.

This year you're sat in a log cabin with your kids having survived the worst year of your life and with a bright future ahead of you.

Wandering Willy 😂

You're doing so well op, of course dates like today will sting and like other pp said all the firsts will but you can and will get through them.

You've achieved so much, new job, new weight, achieved your 5 goals, well done. Set yourself some more goals, plan things to do on those dates that will hurt and don't mind them with their antics they'll soon be up to their eyeballs with a nappy changes, crying newborn and sleepless nights, he'll definitely be grey after that 😂

Enjoy your break away, thank you lucky stars that you're rid of the abusive narcissist and make some lovely plans for your future.

@helenabeesknees I did see a picture of him on social media a few days ago though and he has gone grey and put a hell of a lot of weight on. Meanwhile I've lost well over a stone 😂 I guess the divorce diet doesn't work for everyone lol Perhaps he is comfort eating now that he realises what he threw away!!!

just wait when the baby comes along & the sleepless nights start

I wonder if in a few years time the new woman will be posting the same kind of message.

Hope things get better for you OP.

I really appreciate these supportive comments - thank you.

I used to post on Mumsnet daily. Always with the same responses - leave.

I haven't posted in a while as I just haven't needed too. I think with the divorce finalised and our wedding anniversary being a few days apart has just knocked me slightly but I know it's understandable. Therapy has taught me to just feel what I need to feel. I'm not wrong for feeling what I need too.

I have just looked back at our wedding pictures. I felt the urge to do it so I did. Had a cry and now I feel like the weight has lifted slightly. Even in my wedding pictures I didn't look happy. I wasn't happy. I was stuck in a trauma bond with someone who I desperately wanted to be happy with yet I was so scared of. I loved him deeply but in a toxic way. It was never ever healthy but I really thought that if I could keep him happy, we would be ok. It was exhausting.

Never will I ever give so much to a man again.

You sound like you are doing fantastically well OP. It's normal to grieve for the future you thought you would have. The good news is, it is going to be far better than it would ever have been with your ex. You sound great (as does your mum). Enjoy your log cabin - your children are so lucky to have you.

I think it's ok to allow yourself to grieve, not for what you lost (sounds like you gained waaayyyy more!) but for the future you thought you would have, the one you planned and the one that includes him.

Then, take a deep breath and just consider, if that much has changed and is that much better from this past year, how amazing is it going to be when you look back from wherever you are in another year.

You got this OP, have an amazing time with your kids, live in the moment all weekend and then step into this next year with your head high, full of enthusiasm for wherever you go next 😁

Very wise words.

You wouldn’t be human op if you weren’t finding today difficult, feeling sad is part of life. You did the right thing having a look at the wedding pics, feel the feeling and then move on because you’ve got so much to look forward to x

I don't know, maybe. She's a female version of him it seems. Multiple relationships and cannot be alone. They could be a perfect match. I do feel for her teenage daughters - he doesn't like women very much.

Thank you - I do feel like this from time to time and I look forward to this fog in my head clearing as that really is a fantastic feeling.

We're setting off to the log cabin soon. I feel a bit pissed off with myself as we are only going as a way of distraction. So I'm annoyed that I've let it get to me that much that it's cost me a few hundred quid...but equally it's positive that I can make my own decisions now. I can just do what I want without walking on egg shells and that is soooo nice.

You sound like a lovely person and what a great thing you did divorcing him! Have a brilliant time in the cabin with the kids, you are far better off without someone who scares you and can’t keep his dick in his pants. Well done!

Thank you, it's hard as sometimes I just feel like I'm failing even though I know I'm doing my best and I've come so far!