Ex calls me a cunt to teenage child. Parental alienation?

[Regalhen]

I'm a single parent of a 15 ds. I have brought ds up since we separated due to my ex's domestic violence against me when ds was a baby. Ex didn't want overnight contact until ds was 5; and then only every other weekend plus daytime contact in week.

I have pretty much brought ds up single handedly (financially, boundaries) . Ex has tried to sabotage relationship with ds throughout over the years (multiple social services referrals over the years). Tells son constantly I'm a bad mother (I had severe PND after birth and had to go to a mother and baby unit. Aggravated by the fact ex was punching me while breast feeding and telling me I was useless).

Social services have investigated dutifully every time; but it's the constant drip of poison in my son's ear that I'm useless, a bad mother, evil and mad.

It's complicated by the fact my son has autism. The type of autism he has (demand avoidance) manifested in extremely challenging behaviour when he was young and my son was excluded from mainstream education at 7 years old. He has massively improved since going to special school and now is coping with mainstream secondary and doing well academically and maintaining friendships.

Recently ex has escalated alienation. I have told my son and ex many times that they have every right to explore living together post GCSE'S; if they both agree I'm such a shit parent. Every time both immediately row back on this and say they don't want status quo to change.

Today I collected son after he has spent 4 weeks with his dad. He didn't want to come home, and has been pretty much closed off and silent with me so I've matched his energy and been polite but cool with him

Today I checked his phone. Don't do it v often but found his dad has called me a 'cunt', 'selfish fuck' and a 'shite parent' to our son for not making more of an effort. They are constantly in contact - like 100 whatsapp messages a day plus - yet when he stays with his dad, there is no contact the other way, even when I try to initiate

@Regalhen I'd be surprised if your ex even takes him in at 16. Your ex is using this as a way to exert control over you and emotionally abuse you. If your DS moves out the control is gone.

Agree. When ex realizes this means he can no longer use the son to hurt OP, he'll lose the desire to have him. To accomplish this OP must never give the impression that she is desperate to keep her son or to see or talk to her son when he is with ex. If she does ex will keep him just so he can deny her that. What he's doing is classic triangulation. It's like a three legged stool though; if one leg is gone it falls down. As long as OP continues to be the third leg he will keep doing it. When she appears to lose interest and is no longer affected emotionally, that will burn his little playhouse to the ground.

My ex-husband was the king of parental alienation for many years. It's horrific.
The court's stance will be that at 15 your son can decide himself where he lives.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, @Regalhen 💐

Could a 3rd party person eg someone at school/ SS idk step in here to say “thats not right what your dads doing is wrong”? And talk it through with him

Get.
Legal.
Advice.

And stop talking to your ex. No more requests. No contact at all.

By the way, 1 word text responses or ignoring messages is typically 15 Yr old boy behaviour I'm afraid.
So try not to expect a response, just send the messages one way and know that at some level he knows you love him. It may take a while but he'll come back to you

Could I suggest a different tack you and your son are both vulnerable you have enough evidence to involve the police. His dad is being emotionally abusive as well as physically harming your relationship with your vulnerable son. There is evidence of coercion, post domestic violence as well as other things that his dad can be charged for. From there the police can enforce a no contact order as well as support and counselling for you both.
You have to protect yourself and your child he cannot do this himself you need to do this for the both of you. Fight fire with fire and speak your truth fuck his dad it's time he realises that you should not fuck with a mama bear go kick his arse the legal way.