To give up with family relationship?

[KnobHobsandTea]

I am fully prepared to be told I am BU. Sorry, this is long.

MIL and I usually have a good relationship, but I’m getting tired and resentful of the lack of effort on her part. MIL lives an hour away; she is retired and although she does not drive , she lives with SIL who does not work and does drive. MIL is fit and healthy and has an active social life.

DH and I have a three hour commute each day , on top of school drop off and pick ups. Two of out of our three DC are also disabled.

It was a milestone birthday for MIL in June. I made a huge effort for her day. I coordinated with SIL to purchase her an item from a coveted set of expensive jewellery she wanted. I bought her some additional , thoughtful gifts from our 3 DC. We don’t usually gift for birthdays so this was a big gesture. DH and I also had to travel separately to see her with our 3 reluctant DC in tow.

I’ve helped MIL out a lot since FIL left her, emotionally and with life administration , getting used to things and so on. We grew quite close. DH rarely makes an effort with her , and she rarely makes an effort with him. I am always the instigator of contact . MIL will make little effort but then around special occasions will make digs that she hasn’t seen the DC.

I have regularly invited her and SIL out with our DC but she will always decline with a lame excuse. The most recent being our DC1s sixteenth birthday (family) meal out , in which MIL said she couldn’t come because it was on too late (6pm).

It was my milestone birthday last week; I received a text saying “happy birthday”. I have planned a family meal for next week and I have once again reached out and invited MIL and SIL. MIL at first said she’ll think about it and then later declined.

Before she had declined, I said to DH that I predict MIL will decline and the excuse will be that SIL has an appointment. Sure enough, when I asked for her response to the invite a few days later, she declined citing SIL has an appointment.

I’m afraid I got a bit frustrated at this point and said l no problem, but whilst she is always welcome, I won’t be inviting her to anything again because she always says no and it’s always the same excuses. Cue the waterworks and phone calls to DH from both MIL and SIL, asking why I’m trying to upset her and cause bad feeling.

I’m quite hurt that this is the way she thinks after all of the effort I have made to have a relationship with her. She was quick to turn things sour with remarks about me being nasty and trying to cause bad feeling. I don’t have my own family, so I valued this relationship, but it appears she really doesn’t care.

AIBU to give up now and make little effort myself?

@KnobHobsandTea communication is a two way street. If she's giving constantly but not sending anything back then bugger her. Not fair on you or your children to keep making all the effort. Sending 🫂💐

You're not unreasonable to stop inviting her but you were probably unreasonable to say it outright.

What age woman are we taking about?

Yep, mirror the effort she makes. When relatives don't make the effort with us and come out with 'oh we never see you' or 'the kids are so grown up, since we last saw them' I deliberately put the onus to visit back on them. I reply ' just let us know when you are visiting, the door is open'.

@shellyleppard yes I think you’re right. It’s playing on my mind because I’m not usually like this but the resentment is bubbling.

@ManhattanPopcorn Yes i possibly shouldn’t have said it, but I felt hurt for my DC1 too.

@KnobHobsandTea can you go low contact??

@Harvestfestivalknickers That is a good way of handling it; I will try this myself.

@shellyleppard I think that is what I’m going to do to save my own sanity.

Why do you try so hard with someone else’s family? Just leave your partner to arrange things with his family and if he doesn’t then tough shit

MiL/SiL doesn't like it when you point out her truth? Well maybe it'll make them both think again about how her withdrawing just means you (and DC) also withdraw from the relationship too. Maybe she's lost all confidence or is depressed since her relationship ended? Maybe she can't understand her grandchildrens disability idk? Whatever her reason if she won't make the effort and you've told her you've noticed (but she's still welcome) then I don't think she has any right to complain (unless we're missing huge backstory).

Your load has greatly lightened op. Leave any sort of relationship between dc and the ils to dh.

@yeesh because they felt like my family too. As I said in my OP, MIL and I were close, but I feel like I was only useful when she needed me. Now she doesn’t, she’s lost interest.

I had a moment like this with my DH family. I treated them like my own family. I really really tried hard and instigated contact. They turned on me once when I pointed out the behaviour of one of them and soon realised blood is thicker than water, no matter how unreasonable it was. So i went low contact.

Be warned, you will be blamed for this, and they will comment that they don't see DH and the kids because you are stopping it. What they don't realise is they are the issue.

My life was infinitely better without the nonsense but make sure you don't ask your husband what they say cause it will just annoy you. Better you don't know

Yeah I just wouldn't bother anymore. A relationship should be 2 way and she obviously doesn't really care much. Just go low contact and don't organise things etc.

You've got enough on your plate without this bloodsucker. Low contact, get DH to speak to his own mother.