To think you don’t do this to a friend?

[latetoset]

I arranged to see my best friend this weekend weeks ago. We’d been messaging like we normally do and then she didn’t respond to my last message.

Anyway I followed up on Wednesday to say are we still meeting, but don’t worry if you have forgotten as we planned it so long ago.

I’ve heard absolutely nothing from her. Maybe something has happened but she’s looked at my Instagram stories so she’s still active online.

Thing is as much as I would be disappointed if she couldn’t come, I would have understood her rearranging but just not even acknowledging it. I’ve asked her now if everything this ok and she’s not responded to that either.

I just want to cry. There’s been nothing that’s happened between us, so I think not to find one minute to just let me know is actually quite mean.

Same. And it would just be awkward if I called and she didn’t answer.

Regardless I’ll just leave her to it. I’m a good friend and in this situation I’ve done nothing wrong. I said it was ok if she’d forgot because she’s recently gone back to work after maternity leave and we made the plans ages ago and she’s not a “write it in diary” type person, so I said what I said as I didn’t want to make her feel bad - because I really do care about her feelings.

I don't agree with PPs saying you should call. I felt like I was too full on or at least that's the only criticism she could have or me or what could have annoyed her, if anything. Incidentally I'm not concerned about what annoyed her as she was not a good friend!

Many people confirm an arrangement with friends by text.
Her friend not replying is extremely rude.
A simple "cant make it, sorry" would suffice.
She has a baby, things come up.
People understand.
But to simply not reply is rude.
Unnecessarily rude.
I would not be contacting her.
I would leave the ball in her court.
When someone doesn't respond like that, giving them space is correct.

People have awful shit going on, I am surrounded by it at the moment in my wide circle of friends, child died, brother suddenly dying of cancer, grandchild seriously ill, son with mental health problems, husband ill, long covid, ill parent.....the list goes on.
Life can be really hard, but a quick text "can't make it, sorry" is all that is required.

It is a rare family that doesn't have some stress or worry going on.

OP, give her space.

This is madness, i have literally no idea why people read messages, but don't respond! It's a common courtesy to respond in a timely manner, ok so they're busy, everyone's busy! I believe if you have enough time to read a message, you have enough time to respond.

If i dont have enough time to respond, i just look at the notification without opening the chat app, then read the message when i have time to properly respond!

I think you've been very considerate- you'd love to see her but appreciate she may have forgotten the arrangements and you also asked her if she's ok but she's flat out ignored you.

If something awful or catastrophic was happening in her life she wouldnt be liking random posts on social media so the only sensible option left is- she doesnt really care.

We are all busy! I dont know of a single person who sits around all day with absolutely nothing to do. I have kids and a dog and a business to run and other caring responsibilities but I still manage to reply to my friends because I, you know, care about them- thats why they are my friends in the first place.

Of course, I might not reply instantly or even the same day but I certainly would not leave one of my friends waiting, not knowing if I'm going to turn up to a pre-arranged meeting and then asked if I was ok. Sorry, I think thats just mean.

Wait, so you’ve now texted her 3 separate times and she’s ignored all of them but clearly been online?

Yeah she’s not a good friend. So sorry OP. I wouldn’t call either. If someone had ignored three of my messages I’d feel like a weirdo stalker calling her after that and then people will tell you you’re being too full on or wont take the hint so you can’t really win here.

It sucks. I have a friend doing something similar to me at the moment and it’s just so strange and hurtful. Like you I know I’ve done nothing wrong which makes it even more baffling. I suspect these are the people who years down the line then moan about having no friends and can’t understand why 🤷🏻‍♀️

If someone can't acknowledge a couple of texts I certainly wouldn't pursue them further with a phone call, even a good friend.
I would give them space.
She has clearly time to be on social media but hasn't time for a polite response?
We all have busy lives, I bet the OP does too.
I certainly don't have time or space in my life for that type of rudeness.
People cancel all the time, shit happens and me and my friends are always very understanding towards each other.
But simply ignoring several texts to simply confirm or cancel, absolutely not.
It would be considered very unnecessarily rude.

The OP did nothing wrong. She gave an understanding out to her friend acknowledgement of her baby/returning to work etc.
All she had to do was text it didn't suit her.
So rude.

I would send a text saying 'No worries about the weekend and hope all OK with you.' Send it and forget her until presents herself or not and focus on your own well being and life.

Easy solution. CALL her. That way not only are you getting the answer to your question, you are actively highlighting her behaviour by the very fact that you needed to call in the first place.

I wouldn't be sending her anything else and I definitely wouldn't be calling. I hate when people behave like this. It takes 2 seconds to message. Don't take it personally, OP. Some people are just too rude to figure out.

I’d message and say hope all ok, bit worried that you haven’t replied to previous message and see what she says.

for those saying call her, I’ve got 2 best friends and have been friends for roughly 20 years and could count on one hand how many times we’ve phoned each other, we text and meet in person, rarely phone.

How much help does your friend have with the baby OP? I know when I started back at work after my baby I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed at how much I had to get done and be responsible for, working full time and with almost no help with my baby [outside of nursery whilst I was working]. I struggled to reply to messages from friends or discuss plans because it was simply too much to try to add more planning in to my brain. Could this be your friend's situation?

She may well be a shitty friend who is rude and ignoring you, or behaving like a child to 'punish' you for something she perceives you did wrong. Or she could be struggling. Unless you know which of these it is I wouldn't write her off just yet, I'd see if she gets in touch qnd apologises in a genuine way. If she doesn't then bin her off.

PS I read something that talks about roles in life and how we can only ever really excel in one at a time, max two, and the other roles we won't do so well at and in fact at times will do poorly at. So if you are trying to succeed in your career whilst being a great parent that might mean for a while at least you aren't a great friend, daughter, or wife, even if you usually would be.

I might have known…

so sorry OP. This is nasty and immature. Why should you be doing all the chasing?

be nice to yourself. Plan something nice to do/get your favorite food in etc. Being let down by friends is just horrible.

What's her relationship with her partner like? I'm influenced by my own history but I was cut off from friends by an abusive ex and I know it would have looked like ghosting to them. If this is a friendship you value and want to keep them send a message saying you can see something has gone awry here and as she's not replying then you will leave the ball in her court but you will be here as a friend should she need even if it's months or years time. Just because by the time i personally realised I had to leave my ex had so effectively wiped out those who would support me it I fear for other women in this situation and no one knows.

I’d text her, say you hope she’s ok and to get in touch if she wants to. But I’d do that for my own sake of knowing I’d done the best I could.
It’s horrible but I’ve had several friends drop me when they became mums, they all became very focused on their identity as a mum and decided they only needed mum friends despite us being long term close friends. I’ve noticed they often start with the behaviours people describe as precious first born, like not announcing the birth normally, having lots of rules about the baby and being very self centred.
It really hurts as the friend but I think it’s complex and definitely about your friend not you.

If it’s your best friend I’d assume you know her pretty well and can use your judgement here on what to do. Natural to be hurt though when someone forgets or doesn’t respond but I’d give my best friend the benefit of the doubt. Those who sugggets to block and go no contact are over reacting. Having one’s feelings temporarily hurt doesn’t really equate to never speaking again. But obviously it’s possible your friendship isn’t perhaps what it used to be.

There's really no excuse for her to ignore your messages and not let you know that she couldn't make it. I would leave the ball in her court now and wait until she contacts you again. I bet she'll send you a sorry text with a feeble excuse.

Bingo. She’s done exactly that.

Being honest I am annoyed still. I’m actually tired of putting in effort. I would never read her message double checking we were meeting and just ignore it. She couldn’t give a shit her actions made me feel terrible.

That’s a really shit thing to do. I’m sorry your friend let you down.
what was her excuse?

I get that it's disappointing , but unless there is more history to it I'd assume there was an issue in her life. If she's just returned to work maybe things are a bit stressful. I'm not sure about your message including 'if you've forgotten' , there were other ways to say , is it still OK with her to go out but no problem if not. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

I’ve reread my text and I didn’t say if she forgot, I said if she couldn’t now then it’s ok as we planned it so long ago.

Not replying to the odd text doesn't sound like that big a deal to me - bit flaky perhaps, but certainly not a friendship dealbreaker, especially with someone you see as your best friend. She could have all sorts of things going on that have got in the way. It sounds like there might be some bigger issue for you though - have you any reason to think she might be withdrawing from your friendship?

I'd call her and if she doesn't answer then I'd send a text saying
"Hi! Thought we were supposed to meet at the weekend or did I get confused? If I'm not confused and you didn't come, I hope everything is OK? I'm always a phone call away if you need support'

And then either she will reply explaining that she thought you meant it was OK to not turn up when you texted. Or that something has happened that's bad and she's overwhelmed.
Or she won't reply at all.
If she doesn't reply at all then I'd wait a few weeks.
If she still hasn't replied and there's no evidence anything is serious wrong then I'd write her off as a bitch and no longer your friend. And I'd block her number and carry on with my life.
Unless there's some evidence she's ill or her child is ill or someone close to her has died or is in hospital or something serious like that. In that case I'd just let it go, and give her space until she maybe decides she has the strength to reply. Perhaps send a 'how are you doing? Hope youre ok' text every week or so, so she knows you care.

I don't think you can assume she's just a bad person without actually investigating what's gone on here.

I mean if it were me I'd be genuinely worried something awful had happened to her or in her life. It's very strange to just not turn up then not reply to messages. That's not a sign everything is OK with someone usually is it?

Drop the rope OP. It's her turn to make the effort now. I wouldnt bother initiating any further meet ups.

If she is genuine sorry she will try wont she? If she doesnt then you know exactly where you stand.