Boundaries - how do I get the damned things?

[BreathingDeep]

If you met me, you'd assume I was strong, capable, maybe even a little feisty. I'm super chatty and come across as confident, but it dawned on me this weekend that actually, I'm so rooted in people pleasing that I let the world trample over me in order to keep everyone happy and placated and I need to make some changes.

It's like I've seen something for the first time and it's honestly astounded me. I don't speak my mind or feel I can voice an opinion that might be advantageous for me. I have countless examples of how I end up making life harder or less enjoyable for myself, simply to make life easier for others. We go out with friends and no-one offers to drive, so I offer, so I've made everyone's lives easier. I then end up taxiing everyone around, resenting every sip of delicious wine they have, when I'd have loved a couple of glasses.

I run a business which is really intense. I have crazily high standards for me, yet struggle to call anyone out for doing something wrong or not doing enough. I pick up the slack, and all the shitty jobs, as well as my own, as I don't feel I can ask others to do them. If a client/colleague complains, I assume they're right and fall over myself to prove that the business (and I) am worthy. I take the blame for other people's errors, and go out of my way to put things right, even when I don't need to.

With family and friends, I often shoulder 'jobs' so no-one else has to, even though I'm often the one with the least amount of time to spare. I go out of my way to reassure someone about anything that might upset them or caused them any upset, even it has nothing to do with me.

I even struggle to say no to my own children, so we frequently have half the neighbourhood here, rummaging though the snack cupboard and stampeding around the house. I'm struggling to enforce boundaries and that no means no, even with them.

I've also realised I can never ask for what I want. A cup of tea, maybe, but that's about it. I can't voice an opinion about what to have for dinner, what movie to watch... it's like I don't even know myself.

And I'm realising, this isn't because I'm Mother Theresa and extraordinarily selfless. It's actually my way of trying to control what people think of me which, well, seems a bit pathetic. I worry all the time about what people think, and I so wish I didn't give two hoots.

Earlier this year, I did stand my ground - for the first time ever, I think. I told a close family member how their behaviour was making me feel, and had always made me feel and how I couldn't let it continue. Their response was to go on the attack, tell me all the reasons why I was wrong, why I was actually the problem and why I owed them the apology... We are now estranged, which does cause me some pain.

I've also had to be more boss-like, but when explaining that a piece of work wasn't up to scratch, for genuine and real reasons, the team members' response was to be upset, leaving me feel like the biggest villain and there being an air of bad feeling, which I really struggle with.

I know I need to get better at this. Why am I such a walkover? And how do I change it or am I destined to be this pathetic (and secretly resentful) for all of perpetuity?

You kind of just need to do it, OP.

Let's see: stop being the designated driver. When the plans are being made don't jump in and offer to drive. If someone asks you outright to be the driver you reply along the lines of "I've driven the last few times, I'd like to enjoy a few drinks as well, let's get the train/Uber this time." And then say nothing!

At work: this is your business. Ultimately if the staff aren't doing the job properly it's your reputation on the line. Correcting their work and making them do the correction is allowing them to do it properly. If they've never been corrected then it is likely to be upsetting to feel like they've been doing a shit job and not knowing it.
Try the "shit sandwich" method. One good thing, the bad thing, finish with a good thing. "Your timekeeping on tasks is really good but I'd like you to focus a bit more on this part as it's not quite up to the standard im expecting. Let's look at it again in a fortnight, the rest of your work has been really good so far."

Some people do push back because they only know you to say yes and agree to things. That's their failing, not yours.

You have to learn to be able to cope with the feelings.

You say you put yourself out to make others happy, but there is a part of you that finds being thought of as “The Big Meanie” quite bad. When you can live with people not liking you (Someone’s work wasn’t up to scratch and you told them. Their upset should leave you incredulous at their cheek!) then life will get easy.

Boundaries are good and boundary over steppers are bad. It is reasonable that the driving gets shared, but if you volunteer people will assume that you were happy to drive, because - they make choices that suit them… and assume that you do too. So your resentment will be utterly perplexing to others because you have wanted them to pick up the secret messages without actually saying anything!

How you get them is saying “I’ll get back to you on that” and then decide what you want to do. If there are specific examples the prepare for them!

Were you rude and shouty when you told the person you had had it up onto here with them, or were you calm?

Rude and shouty? Nope, I couldn't do that even if I tried. I wrote it down to ensure I was completely calm and resigned and explained how their actions had caused deep upset over a long period of time and how for my own sake, I needed to take a step back.

And yep, I genuinely can't bear the idea of being thought of badly. It doesn't sit well at all, and I know I need to get better at accepting this is going to be the case sometimes. But, euuugggggh. And yes, I don't let on to anyone that I have any issue with anything, but then very deep inside, I have a little voice saying 'but what about meeeeeee?' which is really unfair!

You are both completely right - I just need to stop doing it. It's like awkward silences, it feels like it's my job to fill them, and I can't bear it. The shit sandwich is a good one, thank you!

@BreathingDeep not everyone is going to like you. That’s just life. Just like you won’t like everyone either. Trying not to upset people and being afraid of what they think of you just makes you a doormat and people will take advantage of you.

When you do stand up to people they will throw their toys out the pram because they’re not used to it. It’s like a tantrum, how dare @BreathingDeep say no or have an opinion?

I went no contact with a toxic family member who I realised had said some awful things and made me feel small, they went nuts! Because they weren’t used to me standing up to them and telling them their behaviour wasn’t acceptable. Well tough, they’re probably slagging me off to their friends, but I can’t control that. i am probably the villain in their story but there’s nothing I can do about it.

I think you equate people pleasing to being liked, and it just doesn’t work like that.

Only keep the people around you who you really cherish. Everyone else can be in the periphery. Only say yes if it suits you. It’s the joy of getting older, do what the fuck you want. It’s very freeing!!

I have no words of wisdom @BreathingDeep but I could have written your posts myself. Even down to not being able to voice an opinion because I'm not sure I know what I want.

I don't want to upset anyone else but no-one seems bothered about upsetting me. I really struggle to manage people and don't want people to dislike me so find it difficult to tell people if there's an issue. I am trying to be more direct and care less about what people think, but years of being a people pleaser is difficult to undo. DH is the opposite so he is trying to help me be less of a doormat!

I'm a work in progress myself, but I found counselling helped. The counselling was actually for other reasons, but one of the things that the therapist unpicked with me was that I wasn't good at acknowledging my own feelings and so didn't ever articulate them. I also had a whole bunch of mad rules in my head that I couldn't do x because of y. Yet when we looked at the worst effects of y it turned out it didn't really matter, I was just making it unnecessarily hard for myself.

Im not there yet, but every pushback is a mini win. Every time I say I'm not sure about that and leave a pause is a small victory and saying no is a battle won! It does start to improve your confidence.

One other thing I'd add along with shit sandwich feedback is to make sure that you are really clear about what you do want. Tell your team what matters to you. It's a lot easier to set expectations up front than to have to push back later.