To feel alone and disappointed in dh after baby

[HumHubs]

Don’t know if I’m being over sensitive but I feel so disappointed in my dh’s attitude recently and it’s making me feel very alone.

We had a baby earlier in the year and live far away from all family, so the only extra help we get is when my family come to visit.
DH works flexibly and said he’d condense hours to a 4 day week so I can do work (I’m freelance) but it hasn’t happened. He still finds time to go to the gym most days and goes off to play sport for a full morning every weekend.
A couple of weeks ago I was full of cold and hadn’t had much sleep, then had to take the baby for his vaccine at 9am (a 1 hour round trip on foot), he said ‘have fun’ as I walked out the door - then was upset when I returned home and said I didn’t appreciate that! I was disappointed he didn’t offer to go to the appointment instead - we had a big row and he insisted he was trying hard to be there for me and thought I was the one being unfair. It’s been a similar story today, for the 4th time since we had the baby, he’s been away for a ‘work’ event this weekend - his work does involve a social/networking aspect but really this weekend was mostly enjoyment. He did this one month after the baby was born and returned in a total state, too exhausted to help with the baby for a few nights after (but insisted he was just tired from work, not binge drinking). I’ve had help from my mum during these times, mostly we’ve spent the time getting on top of housework etc.
When I’ve raised the fact I’m not overly happy he just gets so defensive and insists he’s doing his best to support me. I end up feeling like somehow I’m being ungrateful.

I had a really traumatic birth and am finding it hard being far from family but trying my best to get on with things and putting a lot of energy into making sure the baby is healthy and happy (he seems to be!). I guess I’m just feeling quite disappointed in dh as I expected more (we’ve been together a long time so I felt certain we were on the same page about all this) - I don’t really know how to move forward since he gets so defensive, even though I speak calmly and don’t make accusations, just tell him how it feels from my point of view. Maybe it’s hormones but I can’t help but feel I’m getting a raw deal at the moment and it’s shaking my faith in our relationship.

Your DH is being flaky and selfish. You mention being together a long time before having a baby. It sounds like DH has not properly made the transition from your old life to this one. He needs to step up.

Can you not do similar? Go out with friends sometimes, go the gym when he's home, have nights out when he's home? Is it more that you're choosing not to do that whilst he is?

You need to sit down and have a frank conversation about what the new normal with a baby is like. The life you had before is over. If he isn't willing/capable to share the workload and be present and involved then it's better he becomes single again so he can life that lifestyle.

Outside of fish points try and find out about how he is seeing family life? I am assuming he warmed the baby too? How's the reality for him? Is it easy/what he expected? Did you agree roles/childcare/earning division prior and if so why is that now different? You need to start talking and planning as a couple.....

It feels like he says the right things when we talk about plans / how to divide things but when it comes to action, he’s lacking. Like the compressed hours as an example - I don’t mind if this doesn’t happen because he’s too busy with work but then it’s a bit galling that he still finds time to go out / gym etc.

I go out occasionally but we moved to a new city a while ago for his work and I don’t have many friends here as yet. It also feels quite ‘on the clock’ when I have time to do things, but yes maybe I need to adopt a more selfish attitude at these times.

YANBU

Sounds like life has remained completely the same for him and as always for mum it's done a 180.

He needs to firstly condense the hours as he said he would and then take it form there.

Get the fair play card system and look at how equal your days and free time are spent, tell him you are becoming resentful and no longer want to listen to him lie to your face about him trying because he obviously isn't.

Ask him to give you specific examples of how he has tired, he won't have any.

Can you divide out chores since you're both working. You're in a city so there will be plenty for you to do for an equal amount of time off. Perhaps join a leisure centre and swim, have a sauna, work out, do a class. Any clubs you can join such as film club? Any nice cafes you can take a book? Any events going on? Hand him the baby and go out.

I’d note down and present him with all of the hours he’s had to himself this past 7 days - gym, sports hobbies, social event at work, versus how much time he’s spent with his child, and how much time you’ve had to yourself in the past 7 days.

Ask him for solid examples of what’s changed with regards to his lifestyle since the baby came along. He won’t be able to provide a single one by the sounds of it.

I bet your mum is biting her tongue so hard to stop herself from telling you what a selfish cunt he is.

Did your DH actually want a child?

Regardless, that ship has sailed and he needs to step up to the plate. But, if he isn’t adjusting to one, he should be sensible and not agree to further children.

Right. You need a reset. Stop waiting for him to impress you with what a great hands on dad he is. He’s not going to, he’s going to take the easy way out if you let him.

When you discuss it, move away from how let down you feel- that’s just getting him defensive.

Get practical.
Book a planning session with him. Agree a day- or two- that will be your free day. Tell him you will be booking in work and exercise and social stuff those two days, so he can’t be unreliable about turning up. Remind him that babies aren’t flaky, they are 24/7 commitments and that both of you need to be the same.

Then on your days, go out. Do your freelance work from somewhere else. Go to the gym. Meet a friend.

When the pattern is established you can ease back and be a bit more flexible.

Remember he’s been using the time when you’ve been supervising the baby to do social things and exercise. You can too. The 5/2 split seems fair.

Stay really calm though. Phrase it as a joint problem- we haven’t been prioritising my work time. We’ve tried being flexible but I’m not managing to get anything done. We need to try it this way for a while, see if it works.

Point out what an advantage to the family it will be if you both work and manage the house.

By the way, do you cook and clean on your days? Because if so, he’ll need to do that as well. If you choose to have the coming home parent cook that’s fine. We did it the other way. I cooked, he put the baby to bath, bed etc.

But it’s a joint effort. It’s worth it for both of you!

You are right to raise this now so please don't feel that you are being unreasonable and that this might be hormones. It may well be that you will spend more time with the baby in these early months but that does not mean that you have no personal time at all while he does, and that you sacrifice your work in a way that means it's difficult to get back. I think it will be useful for you to raise this clearly with him now and review and reset with him, to establish that the unequal balance isn't ok and not can it ever be permanent, otherwise he will likely just get into a position where nothing changes for him and everything does for you, on a permanent basis. It sounds like he is hiding behind his words and that his actions aren't there. It's then easy for him to manoeuvre you into a situation where 'you know everything about the baby and are so much better at it' while he carries on as normal. Don't accept any statements from him that this 'unreasonableness' must be 'because you are a bit tired' or because of your hormones'. I think it's hard for many of us to stand up for ourselves during these early months, so stick to your guns.

There are 2 issues here.

The lack of down time for you and the lack of time to work.

1.Tell him that this week, you will count how many hours he has had to himself then take the same hours. So it he goes out on Monday eve. You take Tues eve off. This doesn't necessarily mean going out. You can go and sit in the bedroom and read, watch a series on Netflix, phone friends etc while he looks after the baby. When my babies were little, I didn't want to go out, I just needed time to relax.

1. Issue of not having day off to work. You need to say which day and stick with it. This needs to be sacrosanct. He needs to work a bit more in the evening or the weekend. Or just work less.

He does not get to dictate how you make this work. Be direct and tell him what you want.

You are not alone in this, most couples I know have had variations on this exact issue. In your husbands defense, his father may have done the same if he had one, for some of us we are breaking new ground in parenting equally.
All above advixe is fantastic, I'd just reiterate on your days/hours off get out of the house. He won't get it if you stay in and you may feel you have to step in if baby cries etc, you will never "switch off" in the same way.
If a day is too much, try two evenings a week with an exercise class.
You could also try booking husband into an activity with baby eg baby swimming on Saturday mornings, as a starting point for them to bond

Two things:

The defensive go-to response has to be put to rest. It's such an effective strategy for wrong-footing and shutting up a wronged party, but it'll not allow things to repair or resolve, only for resentment to fester. Would he respond to criticism at work like that? My guess is that he does it as he's invested in being a 'good guy' and you calling into attention the places where he is lacking challenges this narrative for him. Could you raise this with him? See if he can incorporate 'responsive' and 'listening' into his 'good guy' repertoire.

I hope it's simply that your partner 'doesn't get it' rather than being deliberately clueless. Could you frame future discussions about shared workload in the language of the workplace and project management? Suggest outcomes; What will it look like when Hum feels better supported? What things will be in place? A, B and C will be happening daily with DP taking the initiative for implementation. D is a twice weekly occurence and DP has ensured that he is up to speed with E and has taken overall responsibility for F on weekends. What will be reasonable timeliness for implementing the above? B, C and F can start immediately. A requires a conversation with his employer, now scheduled for this Wednesday. D will take some induction -shadowing Hum tomorrow and on Thursday, and DP will read the manual for E and become proficient by the 18th. Let's review by the end of the week and then again on the 7th.

I wonder if breaking it down like that might allow him to see that he can, and should, get parenting jobs done in line with expectations, just like he would at work.
Best of luck!

A PP referred to this useful resource: www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

Speaking from experience, nip this in the bud now if you can. I know it’s hard.

This isn't going to get better without serious intervention

He sounds like a bit of a twat tbh.

Whilst no one has a crystal ball, certain patterns establish themselves early on in relationships, and it is these patterns which make or break trust and happiness, and as cliched as it sounds there is no “I” in the word team. When a child enters into a couple’s relationship, they have to work as a team, a house divided cannot stand.
You are doing too much and he is doing too little, and on some level he is a chauvinist hence the ‘defensive ploy’ when you try and address things. He's not listening, and it is not being heard that causes huge resentment. How do you think that the next 365 days x 18 are going to be spent? So nip all the BS excuses in the bud.
Your life has changed irrevocably and his hasn’t, why is that? You discussed the type of changes which would be necessary, why hasn’t he addressed these things? He knows you are struggling why is he ignoring you?
Childcare and its impact on parents doesn’t mean that no one gets to exercise or socialize, but it does mean that bilateral adjustments are made which are a happy compromise for BOTH parties. At the moment you are making all the adjustments and he isn’t. He isn’t sharing the responsibility of having a child and he isn’t being sensitive about your social isolation, or the impact of having experienced a traumatic birth. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but he sounds selfish and emotionally childish.
If he chooses not to change, and this is his choice to make….in 5 years you will despise him …resentment kills marital harmony and for your own sake don’t have any more children with him.

Could you be rlly direct with what you need & want from him? Ideally he would see it & respond but while you settle into new routine, saying
"Hey darling, I feel really rough today- would you mind taking the baby to the appointment for me please? I know you'd have to miss XYZ but I feel poorly" and then a big thank you when he does it.

Or, "hi honey, I really need a little break from everything. I'm going to head into the village for a coffee for a couple of hours tomorrow morning. Please may you watch the baby & do her morning feed?" Again, big thank you when he does it.

Hopefully after a couple of weeks he will start to understand how he can best support you. He probably realises you don't feel supported & feels rubbish about that, but doesn't really know what to do & is floundering. After a while, he might start saying "hey, why don't I have the baby for an hour while you nip for a coffee/ bath/ whatever" because he knows that's what you need to relax.

X

I didn't want children. DH convinced me.

Three important things:

1. Once I agreed, I was on board 100%. There was no suggestion I would be shit at it, or less involved, because I started off less keen.
2. Once a child exists, even if you weren't keen, that child deserves a proper parent, two if two exist. Unless you're a complete arsehole, you do the very best you can.
3. The most important first job of a father, is to support the mother. The baby, during the first few weeks, gets everything it needs from mum. But a difficult birth, mood changes, life changes, it's incredibly hard on mum. Prioritising the welfare of mum is very important.

OP your DH is not failing with 'helping' or 'supporting' you. He's failing as a partner and father. He's getting defensive for two reason; guilt and because it works. He doesn't want his life to change, and if he's defensive, you'll just make sure it doesn't. The fact that you are distressed is not important to him and he doesn't want to know. You can't let him avoid the conversation by being defensive.

And please don't mention hormones. Please. You can be angry, sad, furious, frustrated without hormones being the cause. Women minimise their needs and wants enough, don't give him an excuse.

Thank you everyone, some really helpful suggestions here around setting boundaries and rethinking the laidback attitude I had pre baby - and good tips about getting out of the house.

We spoke last night and dh claimed not to have realised how overwhelmed I felt (!) and didn’t realise I felt that I needed to ask for even small amounts of personal time. I also made clear I don’t like the idea he’s ’helping’ me or I need to tell him what to do. We agreed to plan each week ahead to make sure things are divided more equally. Let’s hope it works.

Not to make excuses but he has other issues going on with his family at the moment that I’ve been encouraging him to seek support for. I think this is having an impact too so I’m going to be firmer over this also.

It's great you have had a talk- ask what has happened to the compressed hours, because you were looking forward to doing something other than childcare. I would also ask him to drop his weekend morning of sport- at least until the baby is a little older- you need some personal time and probably some time with him and the baby.

This is unfair on you and don't let him gaslight you into thinking it's your fault. He's not stepping up... Where's your time to go off and do things you want? You need to have a talk with him now... maybe plan in advance what to say and how to make him realise what he's doing to you, so he doesn't just dismiss your concerns as usual.

This is not OK behaviour from a new dad and he is not considering your needs and how he could best be supporting you