New country: friend is lying to undermine my new friends - what to do?

[Fernie99]

I recently moved to a new country. I've put in a lot of effort to get established and make friends here. I knew one person when I arrived, Tara, who I met when we were working together for 6 months last year in a different country. Tara helped me a lot like letting me use her address for post when I arrived so I could get driving licence, bank account etc. I really appreciated it so when I was invited to things - bbq, drinks, embassy party, brunch, etc - I invited her along. I like her but she is complex to be friends with: she expects that I will bring her to everything I do (same as during the six months last year), calls during work hours needing to talk about a guy who didn't text her back fast enough, messages all day about her dates. I have tried to find a balance between being a good friend to her (she doesn't have many friends) while maintaining healthy boundaries, on the basis that although she's a complex person, her intentions are good.

Well... she invited me out with her friend Caleb (plus another friend) and we got along well. Caleb and I have a shared interest and talked about doing it together. Tara does not enjoy this activity so doesn't want to go (fair) but she also doesn't want anyone to do things without her. Caleb is worried about making Tara upset so now doesn't want to do our shared interest. I recently found out that Tara lied to him and said that I wasn't a good friend to her while we were working together last year because I "only wanted to go to the gym with her" and that now she thinks I might be using her to get to other people or will not be friends with her when I make new ones. Based on how much we socialised together while we were away, and how much I've socialised with her and invited her to things since I moved here, her statements completely untrue.

I am also quite sure that Tara said the same things to another new friend, Mia. Tara, Mia, and I only met each other a few weeks ago at drinks, and Mia was originally very warm about meeting up more often - but became very frosty after she and Tara caught up (I wasn't there because I had to work - also, no problem with them catching up without me since I couldn't go).

This is all way too much drama for me. It is tiring to even write about it. We are all in our 40s and this is like being at school again.

So my questions...

Do I take this up with Caleb and Mia to set the record straight? I don't really want to get dragged into it, but I'm also new here and I want to stand up for myself.

Also, I have made other friends as well and had previously brought them to socialise with Caleb and Tara, or brought Tara along when I do things with the other friends. Now I am not so sure if I want to do that: I don't have long-established friendships (whereas Tara, Caleb, and Mia are all from here) and I don't want to risk new friends believing Tara's lies, and losing those friends too. Should I stay above the drama and bring Caleb and Tara along anyway? Or stay friends with them but keep the friendships separate?

And if I don't bring them and my new friends ask where they are (since they've met once), how do I answer without getting dragged into the drama?

(Three questions so not sure how I can fit them into a AIBU or not yes/no! but would definitely value the mumsnet perpsective!)

I would make friends outside of and without Tara.

If you want to, you could still see her and Caleb or others who already know her.

It all sounds a bit hard work to be honest.

I would take a step back from Tara. She has said unkind and untrue things about you behind your back, most likely with the intention of manipulating the others. This won’t make for a harmonious friendship group.

Make friends separately from Tara as pp have said. Keep the door open if you wish but it’s probably best to make some new connections.

Drop anyone who displays toxic behavior. It just isn’t worth it keeping difficult people in your life and when you’re abroad you need a solid support network of friends as that’s all you have! So be picky, put yourself out there, maybe even talk to her about what she’s said about you and see if there’s been any kind of misunderstanding. But you are absolutely entitled to prioritize making friends with people who enrich your life, instead of draining it.

Start a new hobby and meet new people. Look out for clubs and events and go along to them. Don’t contact the friend that lied about you.

Unfortunately some people don't really emotionally mature, age is nothing to with it.

I appreciate she was helpful, but it sounds like she love bombed you to force herself into your life, and possibly targets newcomers as she's done this before and has a reputation for drama.

You don't owe her anything. People can be very helpful without expectations.

I'd actually look to grey rock everyone and step back for a few months. Make up some boring excuse (family problems or busy with work or something) and focus on other things as it all sounds fairly toxic and claustrophobic.

Maybe find some completely seperate social networks where you can do an activity and have company in a more low key way

(lot of good people who aren't so "intense" in their approach. So you won't be immediately going to parties and 1-1 events but it will be less competitive and less drama!)

What's that they used to say about university? You spend your 2nd year avoiding and growing away from the people you met in 1st year.

Keep everything a secret from Tara, don't let her or anyone know what you're doing. If she gets in touch, take time to reply and just be neutral and don't give any information. Just cut your losses and build new contacts.

@Rinsey has it right. Detach from Tara but do it in a grey rock, non dramatic neutral manner. If anyone asks where you've been simply be vague and neutral and say that you've been so "busy'. Dont defend yourself or justify yourself or say anything about Tara. Just drift away and make a new social circle.

I hate ghosting usually but with toxic people like Tara you cannot be honest with her without her twisting it and lying so ghost her gradually and subtly. Just be busy and start taking longer and longer to reply until the friendship with her dwindles to nothing. Pleasant but short answers only so she cannot show your texts to anyone to "prove" how "nasty" you've been. It doesnt do any good to get into arguments with people like her so cut her off nicely but firmly and focus on new people.

And if I don't bring them and my new friends ask where they are (since they've met once), how do I answer without getting dragged into the drama?

With regards to this- surely your friends wouldnt expect you to bring Tara along to every single event just because they've met her once??

I dont expect my friends to bring their friends every time we meet up. If they do ask, be vague and say lightly "oh I really fancied just catching with you this time". You dont have to be joined at the hip!

Thanks all! And good point @Rinsey about “lovebombing”. I don’t think it’s that exactly, but similar - like being really helpful to create an obligation. And I think I did get caught up in it for a while, thinking that I did owe her something.

@Moonlitwalk “I dont expect my friends to bring their friends every time we meet up. If they do ask, be vague and say lightly "oh I really fancied just catching with you this time". You dont have to be joined at the hip!”

This is reassuring. I think I’ve subconsciously been caught up in her narrative and feel obligated to put her interests first, or feel that other people will think badly of me if I’m not looking after her all the time.

Also @Moonlitwalk good suggestion on grey rock. I gave consciously not put anything in texts because she would do exactly that - show others to “prove” her position.